Understanding Alabaster

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo M.D., F. F. Hom. (Lon.)

Symptoms from the Wilkinson C. proving

Alabaster has, in his subconscious mind, a very particular way to look at the world. In this group of symptoms there is the very reason why he will move through the world the way expressed by the provers. Then how is his first impression of reality?

It seems that the world has become a place of limited resources, so have to think careful what I put out, and less like a place of abundance where I can simply get on with it. Feel more like a miser than an abundant person (not materially). 

Felt defensive like it was a hostile universe, like being in the desert and you had to hoard water. 

Feel discontented. The world seemed a less attractive place. It was flatter, colours ceased to be gorgeous. 

An overall perception of the world out there and me in my world - separate and closed. Not a massive deal but still there. 

Woke about 2 am with the thought that everything I believed in was an illusion (US) Nothing really exists, when you die your dead etc. God didn't exist Felt hopeless and a bit desperate with a fear of madness and being out of control 

Unable to go back to sleep, feeling anxious and a bit hopeless about myself. Felt whole world and the way we live is mad. 

He is facing a hostile world, with limited resources. And he has to take care for not be robbed, his things not been taken by the others. “Feel more like a miser” “defensive” and he needs to be apart and protective against the others.

But then what comes next? With which internal resources will he face the world? Anyone needs internal strength, resilience and a strong will in order to surpass and win such a fight like that. But Alabaster hasn’t any of those internal determination and stamina.

Feel depleted and at the mercy of the world. 

Low confidence, feel inadequate (I'd never have come to those remedies).  

Finding it impossible to relax, feel vulnerable, stupid (OS) and that I am 'beating myself up'. 

Feeling the same plus feeling I need protection and security. Strong feeling of trying to hold something in emotionally (like a child that needs protecting, walking around with arms around self, hugging self, holding something in. Asking husband for hugs, not normally a touchy person. From - Supervisor).  

Want to be held, feel vulnerable. 

Alabaster wants to be held, cared, taken just “like a child needs protection”. 

This is our starting point. Theses are the two combining impressions that will made and guide Alabaster’s life. He is closed, apart and defensive before this mad world and he lacks internal strength to deal with that.

Another group of symptoms can only illustrate a bit more his internal feelings when facing his own reality:

Felt a bit panicky and weepy but didn't actually cry. 

Slight panic attack, anxious and unable to breath, for 15 minutes 

Fear of death. 

Fear of life. 

Fear of the dark. 

Fear of madness. 

Slight panic attack before going to sleep, fearful not sure of what. 

This fear is so big, like fear of fear itself, difficult to pin to one thing] 

We can only imagine why he has those fears related above; as we said before, he imagines the world like a poor madhouse, full of thieves and crazy people but he is so weak and vulnerable to face it.

Then comes Alabaster strategies to survive. How he will face this insane place?

Probably his/her main strategy is to remain a child (and we said it before) in the need of protection. A frivolous child who is full of desires, a “girly” child. There will also a “male” version of a frivolous boy and we can imagine how it will be: a dandy type of teenager heading to become a growing up fellow. It’s important to notice that Alabaster’s way of being a childish person is related to apparence and the need of protection. Later she will feel ugly, fat, the opposite values of vanity and beauty.

Frivolous feelings! 

Went shopping and had unusual interest in buying clothes, make up, jewellery. Never usually interested in this sort of shopping. Bought 9 blouses, 2 dresses, 1 skirt, perfume and make up. Spent over £300 without a qualm, wanted to spoil myself and treat myself. 

Didn't feel guilty afterwards. 

Went to homeopathy college and people commented on the way I had dressed, clothes with matching accessories and makeup. Have decided to grow hair longer, more feminine. Someone said I looked very confident and was glowing and bright. 

Sociable and confident, with slightly less energy. Still taking more care of my appearance, still "girly", wearing more makeup and skirts, dressing smarter. 

Still fluffy and girly.  

Feeling more feminine and girly.  

Dreamt about lots of lovely pink flowers above my head, first painted ones then real. 

A second possible strategy – also combined with the first one – is found in her strong longing for rest and peace. It could be confounded with a primary effect of the drug during the proving, but is far too present in many symptoms and so can be considerate a “way of being in this world”.

Have to go to a seminar, would normally want to go, but feel very reluctant. Crave some peace and quiet.  

Didn't sleep well but in the morning I wasn't moody - I always am if I don't sleep well. 

Restless, but mind doesn't feel as though it wants to think about anything in particular. I don't want to engage. (Though it's) not in a muzzy way. 

Thoughts are less intense, less of a presence in the mind, have become preoccupied with thinking about other things. Part of me feels more calm and peaceful, spreading over things, rather than focusing on one thing that I can't resolve. Thinking more now about family, things read in the newspaper. 

Feel in touch with my feelings and not self conscious or inhibited. Able to just be - not over expressive either. Easy going and relaxed rather than my usual intensity. 

As we can see, the prover is giving up his responsibility on behalf of “crave some peace and quiet” mood. Feeling “easy going and relaxed rather than m usual intensity” can show us the direction of Alabaster longing for a peaceful and quiet life. Of course it will be connected with his responsibilities and his work. Again it’s only a matter of following the tracks and we’ll reach to the point: What will be Alabaster’s relation with his work?

Work dream - essence of dream. Doing my job but felt I was wasting my time because someone was doing it already, although it was my responsibility.

 Felt depressed, don't want to get up or go to work. 

Didn't go to work (although feeling amel. ). 

Longing for a frivolous life, full of pink colors and nice clothing; needing to be protected and feeling unable to face work responsibilities, there is now a third strategic possibility:

Alabaster is crazy for the sea, ships, clippers and the blue color of the sea and the white of the sand. Also we can associate travelling towards nature, the beaches, the sea and the sand to the calmness and quietness that he longs so much.

Thinking of travelling boats, aeroplanes, trains, travel, superimposed over map of world - India. Big buildings like Taj Mahal. Ivory. Elephants. Bright colors, dressed up elephants. I'm having a great time here.

A thought - a tall ship - I'm not into tall ships, quite small, mast twice as high as length of boat, 2 sails but could be out at sea, not in a dock or port. It could be perilous but actually very safe. Cool breezy weather. 18th century tea clippers? You might think you wouldn't want to cross the ocean in that but people did, lots. 

Big wide open sea. Dark, overcast but doesn't feel bad. Bleak, a bit wild. 

A big bird like a parrot or macaw, bright colours - turquoise blue green. Big eyes. I'm on its left perched on the mast. 

Seeing an island. Tall trees like palms. Date trees - thick chunky bark. More tropical looking but not hot (maybe because my kitchen's not hot?) 

Rum. Isn't the mind a wonderful place to go into - I love it 

Observing energy has been round the world. I've just come home. The  

Island, boat etc. are still there but I'm not connected any more. 

 Dream - I was on a pier over the sea looking for my car (Citroen 2cv sold years ago). 

Dream - At on open air summer wedding, everyone was diving into clear blue sea. 

 Woods so beautiful, looking at trees. I said they look like loads of people standing there reaching towards the sky. Feeling in tune - trees - looking at branches - so beautiful. 

Let’s imagine now that his strategy went wrong. This is something really possible to happen in everyone’s life. Society had demanded him to work and fulfill his responsibilities, travelling became something expensive and his debts are on the increase at the Bank. His life is falling apart and the world, as he imagined from the beginning of his days, is taking hold of everything.

How is he feeling now?

Groups in Alabaster

From Wilkinson C. proving

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo M.D. F.F.Hom. (Lon.)

Humor

Happy, calm and relaxed

 Feel peaceful, calm, relaxed. 

 Feel like smiling.  

 Sensation as if smiling. 

 Still smiling, even after an afternoon at clinic. 

 Better mood, able to be efficient.  

"Daughter said there's not a word for 'fool' in Japanese", laughed. Feeling light-hearted. 

 Feel light in body, not very grounded. 

 Don't feel inward as usual. 

 Happy in myself. 

 Since last year been more open and positive. 

 Already more buoyant. Effects of remedy either short lived or I've accommodated them quickly. 

 What would help? A sense of lightness and buoyancy. 

 Very high spirits. 

 Day less hectic than usual so feel at ease/relaxed. 

 Mood improved during the day - felt better for sighing, much better by evening 

 Felt happy and light all day - felt I had more energy. 

 Mood much better. 

 Felt happier than for a couple of weeks. Someone said I 'looked better' (this is second day of her period). 

 Good day. 

 Feeling relaxed, not thinking about anything in particular, no images come to mind when closing eyes. (To think of anything else takes a positive effort. Relaxed within these 4 walls, seems enough at present - from Supervisor who thought he was very relaxed after the remedy - prover thought it was normal for him) 

 [Relaxed, opened up, became more talkative. Talking a lot about a past relationship.] 

 Feel at ease and peaceful. Not so many thoughts whirring around in my head, my mind has slowed down; not under any pressure to resolve anything anymore. Feel quiet and still. 

 Talking nicely, gently, sweetly, friendly. 

 More focused, a bit more energy. 

 Mood calm. 

 Energy higher than usual. Calm, no excessiveness. Reasonably focused. 

 Feeling quite excited, a wave of it. Optimism - let's get on with it, motivation. Quite a zip. (Usually tired, sleepy in evening). 

 Quietly content feeling. Quite inward, not 'let's go do it' like a few minutes ago. 

 Felt alive and invigorated. 

 Lots of energy, pulling out fireplaces, taking rubble to dump. 

 Lots of energy pulling out a fireplace, clearing up room, taking rubble up to dump. Lets go for it mood. 

 Sorting and clearing stuff up. 

Peace and quietness

Have to go to a seminar, would normally want to go, but feel very reluctant. Crave some peace and quiet.  

Didn't sleep well but in the morning I wasn't moody - I always am if I don't sleep well.

Restless, but mind doesn't feel as though it wants to think about anything in particular. I don't want to engage. (Though it's) not in a muzzy way. 

Reflecting.

Noticing the surroundings in the flat and finding it very relaxing] 

The calmness is still there, enabling me to get a better grip on situations; feeling more on top of things. 

Feel I have relaxed more than usual. 

Stayed calm under pressure, more so than I would have expected given the difficulties.

The main thread of the remedy has been a calmer feeling, mentally and emotionally.

Feeling of being calm, no blabber vision. Coming back to the here and now rather than worrying about things. 

Feel in touch with my feelings and not self conscious or inhibited. Able to just be - not over expressive either. Easy going and relaxed rather than my usual intensity. 

 Thoughts are less intense, less of a presence in the mind, have become preoccupied with thinking about other things. Part of me feels more calm and peaceful, spreading over things, rather than focusing on one thing that I can't resolve. Thinking more now about family, things read in the newspaper. 

Anxiety

Anxious on waking (it was stormy). Anxious about global warming.  

Anxious, fretful, worrying. 

Left with a slight anxious feeling after a dream. 

Slept on settee for 45 minutes. Woke around 10 pm feeling very anxious for no particular reason. Felt something might happen to my family, husband and sons - car accident - very restless - similar symptoms before last time 8 months ago. Went to bed had argument with husband. Felt upset, depressed and hopeless (said 'I feel so scared' whilst trying to go to sleep. - Supervisor) 

Anxious dreams - in a church for a posh wedding but I was wearing jeans. 

Irritable

Feeling very impatient and irritable. 

Intolerant, irritable. 

Ennui.

Cheered up during the day but felt very irritable most of the day. 

Felt irritable in the morning, mood improved during day (during fever/sore throat) 

Shouting at other drivers on way to work, quite angry mood amel. during day  

Had road rage again today 'have to check myself to shut up'  

Have a slight aversion to my cat and really irritated by her. 

Very tired all day, irritable and angry with people at work (after only 3 hours sleep previous night) 

Very irritable in afternoon, amel. in evening after a long run. 

 Less angry, irate, settled down; feelings of violence less consuming. Less feelings of anger in the upper chest. 

 Grumpy this morning, fed up. Less tolerant, waking kids. Stressy type of morning. 

 Whingey, better seeing patient. Muddle in my mind. 

 Not sociable today. 

Low

 Woke feeling very low. Sensation as if, too much to do, feel sorry for myself, teary. 

 Mood is persistently quite low; feel I can't quite get up the energy to enjoy anything. 

 He seems drawn into himself (he agreed). 

 Sadder, melancholic, blue. 

 Lacklustre - inwards. 

 Down and Low

Feeling a bit low at time, better for getting going (occupation amel.) 

Up and down: Up: thoroughly enjoyed new patient yesterday 

Down: Struggling with eldest son. We used to do things together, now when we go to town he meets his friends and we get nothing of him. 

Feel very flat with it, doing (decorating) Xmas tree trying to be enthusiastic. 

Feeling like a punctured balloon, it's over, it won't be the same again. When he's in, his girlfriend phones or his mates phone and we don't see him. End of an era. 

Depressed and hopeless

 Everything seems a struggle. 

 Woke during the night feeling really depressed and hopeless. Had been dreaming, can't remember, but feel it may have been connected with my mood. 

 Similar mood on waking am. 

Slightly depressed amel. by midday. 

 Poor nights sleep, woke 2 am feeling anxious, unable to go back to sleep, got up, dozed until morning. 

Woke 2.30 am feeling desperately unhappy (and want to talk to someone. - Supervisor) but don't know why. 

Left frontal sinus blocked, amel. by crying. 

[Stopped talking - enjoying the peace and stillness. Noticing the quiet in the flat. Level of frustration felt on driving is lower than normal. 

Small howl - that was anxiety like apprehension - came up into my throat. 

Tired, lacking energy (early in day), feels like 10.30. But part of me wants to get on. 

Don't like crowds, don't like Xmas shopping, people in the way all the time. Have not felt depressed like this for ages, at least a year. 

Stuck in limbo in the middle, not much freedom in it. 

Day has gone quickly. 

Went to sleep feeling heavy and depressed, feeling like a weight was on my throat, chest and solar plexus. 

Woke during the night feeling really depressed and hopeless. Had been dreaming, can't remember, but feel it may have been connected with my mood. 

With Oneself

Rocking

I had the urge to sit in the rocking chair and rock myself violently. 

 Urge to rock back and forth - security feeling (had arms across chest, hugging self. - Supervisor) 

Girly

Still girly and dippy, people commenting that I'm not as efficient as usual, think I'm "away with the fairies".  

Went shopping and had unusual interest in buying clothes, make up, jewellery. Never usually interested in this sort of shopping. Bought 9 blouses, 2 dresses, 1 skirt, perfume and make up. Spent over £300 without a qualm, wanted to spoil myself and treat myself. 

Didn't feel guilty afterwards. 

Went to homeopathy college and people commented on the way I had dressed, clothes with matching accessories and makeup. Have decided to grow hair longer, more feminine. Someone said I looked very confident and was glowing and bright. 

Sociable and confident, with slightly less energy. Still taking more care of my appearance, still "girly", wearing more makeup and skirts, dressing smarter. 

Still fluffy and girly.  

Frivolous feelings! 

Complained of supervisors clothes being too casual, like he'd just come in off the beach and wasn't being quite serious about the proving. Disliked pale colour of his trousers. Preferred richer colours like silky blue or orangy brown. 

Feel its beneficent, soft feel, like cotton wool. 

Dream - My mother bought my late grandmothers flat for me to use as a homeopathic practice. She asked Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen from changing rooms to decorate it. It was done up in bright Barbie pink and filled with clockwork toys and girly ornaments. I absolutely adored it. Usually I like very plain decor and am not very interested in interior design or clothes. 

Feeling more feminine and girly.  

Dreamt about lots of lovely pink flowers above my head, first painted ones then real. 

Aware of parts of one’s body

Feel aware of the flat plane of each layer of teeth. 

Aware of the shape the teeth make in the jaw again. My awareness seems to be in the space between my teeth.

I am in my head and arms and hands - the rest of me is disconnected, but also supporting me. 

So comfortable, don't want to shift position of legs even a bit - arms and head move, rest of body feels its just there, not heavy, just quite still. 

Looked at my arms, and connected with how they have been during summers - my arms linked me with my past self, especially summers, holidays, back activities. Had brief flashbacks to various summer holidays - it seemed to link those times with the present.  

Having a drink of water, suddenly saw arms as being strong, efficient, useful things and I liked having them there.  

On taking the remedy and waiting for an effect the first thing he said was "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr Hyde - hair sprouted from the palms of hands." 

Felt physically twice my size width ways but not front to back (US) which made me feel not in control of my physical being. 

Feeling grossly fat, disgustingly fat. My legs are like tree trunks but tree trunks are nice (so they're not). 

Dream - Looking down at legs, both swollen ( like 2 sausage balloons with feet sticking out . - Supervisor) 

Low confidence, vulnerable

Low confidence, feel inadequate (I'd never have come to those remedies).  

Not comparing myself as had in the past. (More confident?) 

Finding it impossible to relax, feel vulnerable, stupid (OS) and that I am 'beating myself up'. 

Feeling the same plus feeling I need protection and security. Strong feeling of trying to hold something in emotionally (like a child that needs protecting, walking around with arms around self, hugging self, holding something in. Asking husband for hugs, not normally a touchy person. From - Supervisor).  

Want to be held, feel vulnerable. 

Flashbacks to the event, feeling stupid and wishing it could be different. 

After a work dream left with a feeling that I am too responsible and too much is expected of me. 

 Passive/reactive - stuff happens. Feel depleted and at the mercy of the world. 

Fear

Felt a bit panicky and weepy but didn't actually cry. 

Slight panic attack, anxious and unable to breath, for 15 minutes 

Fear of death. 

Fear of life. 

Fear of the dark. 

Fear of madness. 

Slight panic attack before going to sleep, fearful not sure of what. 

This fear is so big, like fear of fear itself, difficult to pin to one thing] 

Suffocated

Woke by dream at 4 am feeling anxious and as if suffocated and it was difficult to breath (left sinuses frontal and maxillary blocked). 

Dream - Dreamt I was in the back of a (chauffeur driven - Supervisor) limousine being given unusual presents (toys I think) Had a closed in feeling, difficult to breath. Wanted to get out of the car quickly - then woke up. 

Dream -At a party, took a recreational drug, white powder on a chip. Started to feel spaced out in the dream, bit scared of losing control and dying. Felt was unable to control what might happen next but wanted to enjoy the experience. 

Trying to rationalize situation all the time. 

Feel my energy is being drained away from heart/ solar plexus ("as if a hole in my solar plexus and my energy is draining away") area. 

Towards the Others

Better in company

General desire to connect with people and things. 

Out with friends, felt amel. 

Slightly flirtatious feeling when chatting to people. 

Thought how nice it would be to have a partner (not what I want normally, haven't got the space or time). 

Arranged to go out and meet a friend for a drink - that surprises me because normally I'm an unsociable git. 

Reflecting on relationships a lot; talking about all the people in the world who want to be with someone. 

[Wants to stay up and watch TV (which is unusual). Dilemma between talking to people and wanting to watch TV.] 

A wonderful dream, I was with my late grandparents on a beautiful beach, taking their photograph with an old fashioned camera. They looked as they did 20 years ago, I was so happy to see them. It was a very sunny happy dream. 

Feeling distant

A colleague has had a rough time. I would normally be very concerned and be thinking a lot about how I can help her, what can I do, believing I can help her, much of the night, but I feel distanced, though still concerned, only thinking of her once or twice. Maybe I am seeing things more clearly and less emotionally? 

Hostility there, the boat was unwelcome. I'm an observer, an etheric observer - I'm not quite there so I don't feel the threat. I'm seeing from the point of view of intruder who came on ship. 

Communication difficult. Everything is hard. 

Felt angry that my husband had woke me (even though I was happy he'd come to see how I was). And again angry when he woke me as he came to bed. (During headache). 

Argument with husband 7 am did not dwell on it. 

Rang sister in the evening - identical twin. I took the remedy at her home on Sunday - she had very similar symptoms to me but the onset was a few hours later. i.e. depression, fear, anxiety (close relatives having car accident), severe cramp and had an argument with her partner extremely similar content to my argument with my husband. We have experienced having similar symptoms in the past and often know if each other are unwell. 

Slightly anxious when reminded of work incident* (overheard conversation) dealt with it felt amel. (it* feels like an intruder who will not let me have any peace. - Supervisor). 

Feelings of anger towards former work colleagues were not, for once, uppermost in my mind. 

Feeling brilliant, comfortable with things: all the normal things: life, children, relationship - managing to float through it. 

I've done a bit of channelling, a bit of medium stuff, its just say what's in your head - you end up describing how their father died. I have learnt - just go with it sure.

Angels, way above. Feeling crown chakra - connectedness with angels. 

Connections and communications, chatty. 

17 year old son wants to be away for New Year - philosophical - it's his life now - I've done my bit for saying yes or no. 

Being with friend, helping friends

Another warm, friendly, happy dream, I was with an old boyfriend from the 80's who is now married with a family. I was totally accepted as part of the family. He was about to undergo surgery but it was not an anxious dream, I was going to help him and be there for him. 

Bad dreams with faces appearing out of the dark (bad weather, heavy wind and rain).

Another happy dream, again with my boyfriend from the 80's, it was summer and we were in a strange underwater building, sitting under trees in the sunshine. Very idyllic dream. We kissed in the sunshine. Very nostalgic and happy, knew he was married in real life but in the dream it didn't matter. Sense of inevitability that we would kiss. 

Again, on the clouds. The dream was with a friend from Brazil who died more than 20 years ago. 

Had a dream again, with friends from Brazil that I haven't seen for ages. 

Had a dream again, and again it was with a friend who I haven't seen for ages. 

Dream - Being on holiday with wife and my parents (the children weren't there) Nowhere in particular. Had holiday with my parents year after we were married (1980). A memory of this? [Unusual for him to dream. Peaceful feeling in dream.]

Robbers

Someone stole my purse, cheque book and card. Bag had been left somewhere undone. They'd wrote loads of cheque and spent my money. From this dream, I've decided to keep cheque book and card separate. 

Something to do with colonies. Taking stuff that isn't theirs. Partly why it's not a huge threat, they've got the power. But you wouldn't go off on your own. 

Strangers

Dream - Husband and I went to stay at a bed and breakfast. We went for a walk with two other people. Knocked on the door of a scruffy house. Inside were five people doing DIY (do-it-yourself). Other room was a huge bathroom! We stayed for a party (?). We were invited to stay overnight - several fold-up beds were produced. I insisted my husband phoned the B and B to say where we were (dream time showed 2.30 am). 

Dream - I had been told to assemble with unknown people at a certain place. Then we went to a moors type place for exercises - army style. Next day similar with different (armed?) service and the third day with scouts. 

Spent the evening in the company of strangers at study group, felt very comfortable very sociable. Had been insular and unsociable since a close bereavement 18 months ago. Enjoyed the evening and stayed late with no feeling of being trapped or wanting to escape. 

At the sea, with company

Dream - 3 days before remedy, waiting to take it: 

Dream: somewhere, different country, beach. My friend, S, younger, had 6 month baby with her, being carefree with him, sitting by sea, she's not paying attention to baby. She comes to me. I say you can't leave a baby there by the sea, but saw the waves reaching the baby and him sitting there playing until the sea touched him. When we got back baby was gone. No tension no emotion - didn't feel tension - wasn't worried. An observer. Walking around edge of sea trying to find him. Asking someone to get help - they'll be here in one hours time - 'It'll be too late, he'll be dead by then'. By the time I got back, S was back talking to people on beach.  

With the Environment

Feel outward. Usually have a desire to close eyes when I take a remedy. I want the light on.

The room is slightly empty, not quite rich enough. I'd be nice if there was a lit candle so I'd have something to look at. (Noticed a design on a cover for the first time despite it being there for several years). This room doesn't have any blue in it. It needs more rich things. Seeing it in a different way. 

Money and social classes

 Before I took the remedy, if I was in a shopping center, I'd feel negative about not having enough money, things not working, and comparing self to others who "have". Would still feel it would be all right in the end. Now, I feel more balanced in seeing things as they are. I can just be me in the midst of it all rather than reacting (ie "can't have", "don't want" - I'm above it all). I no longer feel caught in the spirals of extremes or reacting to things (as above). I'm now relating to things rather than pushing them away. I can hold my space in a busy environment, even if I'm tired, and so end up feeling less tired. 

A less attractive place

The quality of looking at the world is less rewarding. 

 It seems that the world has become a place of limited resources, so have to think careful what I put out, and less like a place of abundance where I can simply get on with it. Feel more like a miser than an abundant person (not materially). 

Felt defensive like it was a hostile universe, like being in the desert and you had to hoard water. 

Feel discontented. The world seemed a less attractive place. It was flatter, colours ceased to be gorgeous. 

An overall perception of the world out there and me in my world - separate and closed. Not a massive deal but still there. 

Woke about 2 am with the thought that everything I believed in was an illusion (US) Nothing really exists, when you die your dead etc. God didn't exist Felt hopeless and a bit desperate with a fear of madness and being out of control 

Unable to go back to sleep, feeling anxious and a bit hopeless about myself. Felt whole world and the way we live is mad. 

Somewhere cold and dreary and dull. Very different - India feels totally gone. Closed in feeling like winter when you wrap your coat round you. Introvert. It's raining outside but it's like slushy snow - wouldn't want to be out in it - I'd turn inward to a nice warm fire. Not that I'm cold. 

Felt the same both indoors and outdoors. 

I absorbed (heard) more than I normally would from what was on Radio 4. 

At the sea/pirates/travels

A thought - a tall ship - I'm not into tall ships, quite small, mast twice as high as length of boat, 2 sails but could be out at sea, not in a dock or port. It could be perilous but actually very safe. Cool breezy weather. 18th century tea clippers? You might think you wouldn't want to cross the ocean in that but people did, lots. 

Big wide open sea. Dark, overcast but doesn't feel bad. Bleak, a bit wild. 

A big bird like a parrot or macaw, bright colours - turquoise blue green. Big eyes. I'm on its left perched on the mast. 

Seeing an island. Tall trees like palms. Date trees - thick chunky bark. More tropical looking but not hot (maybe because my kitchen's not hot?) 

Rum. Isn't the mind a wonderful place to go into - I love it 

Observing energy has been round the world. I've just come home. The  

Island, boat etc. are still there but I'm not connected any more. 

Dream - I was on a pier over the sea looking for my car (Citroen 2cv sold years ago).

Dream - At on open air summer wedding, everyone was diving into clear blue sea. 

Dream - Driving a car that went over a cliff and into the sea. Passenger in car ? who. Car went under water but didn't fill up. Felt surprised. No feeling of panic. 

Word arrows coming from behind . May be connected with adrenaline feeling.  

Spears and shields and coloured people, dark people. Don't feel a threat,  

only awareness its in the background. 

Big, round sun - what I like. 

Chocolate and cocoa in my mind. 

Thinking of travelling boats, aeroplanes, trains, travel, superimposed over map of world - India. Big buildings like Taj Mahal. Ivory. Elephants. Bright colors, dressed up elephants. I'm having a great time here.

Tree like skeleton tree but coniferous shimmery goldy-silver. 

Feeling tired - because I've travelled round the world - once. 

As if I left home and went in a circle and came back. It just happened. 

Something separate. Feeling it all. Detached person, seeing these things. 

Picture [image] of fossil - ammonite, lots of lines in a circle.

I feel like I've done it [the proving], obeyed the instructions - it took an hour.

Woods so beautiful, looking at trees. I said they look like loads of people standing there reaching towards the sky. Feeling in tune - trees - looking at branches - so beautiful. 

Anxious dreams - a man was mending his car in front of a building I was in, he attached heavy chains to the building and drove off. The house started to creak and groan and I was anxious that it would collapse with me inside it. 

Dream - My mother bought my late grandmothers flat for me to use as a homeopathic practice. She asked Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen from changing rooms to decorate it. It was done up in bright Barbie pink and filled with clockwork toys and girly ornaments. I absolutely adored it. Usually I like very plain decor and am not very interested in interior design or clothes. 

http://www. oldgreypoet. com/writings/beanstew/199908/19990815. Html

Recurring themes of dreams: 

 - young, romantic, happy, carefree 

 - nostalgic dreams of late family and past happy times 

 - lots of water, clear blue water, sea, crystal clear lakes 

 - sunny weather, warm and comforting 

 "hiraeth" Welsh word - feeling of belonging and homesickness, yearning for home and family. 

Dream - In a house a lot bigger than our house - huge entry way. Kept discovering new bits of house we hadn't realized were there. Was doing some work on the house and opened up a door which had been closed. Behind it was a storage space we'd forgotten about, where there were clothes hanging out to dry. Also, there was a scooter (in the dream too small for my son, in reality his scooter isn't). We were puzzled as to why we hadn't realized the clothes were missing - they'd been there for several years. It felt like there was suddenly all this extra space in the house that we'd forgotten about. 

Dream - "M" invited a few market friends for a meal at her home. The others went inside and I stayed out in the garden. M came out looking for specific leaves for garnish. One had to be brown. I helped her look and she ended up taking a dead curled up laurel. 

Dream - A lot of people walking around a large undercover area such as a railway or airport. There was a yellow straight wide "pathway" marked. No-one was using it - everyone was just (making) random movements. 

Dream - My husband and I were being shown hotel rooms. Every bathroom had different ornate tiles. Husband not in next scene - three dark wood doors in hotel at end of corridor. Then we were both in bedroom overlooking racecourse on race day. Lots of people in the garden area below. We fell asleep and missed the racing. Woke to see three men in suits looking out of window and talking. They soon left, ignoring us completely. 

Dream - I went by bus to Commercial Street. There is actually a roundabout there, but in the dream the sea was there. I stood talking to someone on the beach. Then I was in a small shop holding the lead of a retriever guide dog. I remembered that I had forgotten my shopping trolley on the beach. I wedged the lead under the shop door and went to look for the trolley. The tide had come in and several bags were floating. I found my bag and the trolley separately. The bag contained only goods for the charity shop. 

Part of a dream - large expanse of sand, someone using a large JCB type machine to make fence posts with tree trunks. There was an elephant there at the time. 

Dream involved large circus tent with sawdust. 

Dream - Picnic overlooking large wooded area. With WI friends - food pronounced unusable so would have to go back the next day. 

Dream - Had moved to Midlands area on the edge of a town, with only one house nearer to the countryside than ours. I did not like it. House very basic. Neighbours died a few days after we arrived. We went away a week after moving (for a holiday?). House and garden still untidy from the move. Had not taken a lot of our belongings. Several people came at different times looking for our neighbour, so we had to tell them she had died. 

Dream - Artist painting racehorses racing very close to him. 

Dream - Running along a dark, wide road away from a large dark car. I think I went into an alleyway at the side of the road. 

Dream - I was in an ordinary high street and wanted to go to a more interesting place. Next - in town with ancient buildings. Didn't know where I was or how to get back to hotel. Next - looking out of a window (train?) at a fast-flowing river. Most spectacular scenery - huge, 20ft rocks in the river, mountains beyond. Next - inside old building, moved to another room to talk to person. Very bad weather predicted. I went back to get my luggage and we all moved into huge domed building (drew picture)- all brick walls and ceiling. Brick roof self-supporting. It looked as if the bad weather would cause it to collapse, but it was hundreds of years old so I reasoned it must have withstood previous bad weather. 

 

Dream - Enormous multicolored spider which I was quite afraid of. Couldn't catch it. Kept changing into a normal big black spider. Lost it. Not too concerned but hoped it would stay where it was. Felt need to control it. 

Images like hairy legs of a spider, head of a cockerel.  

Dreamt about lots of lovely pink flowers above my head, first painted ones then real. 

Dream - Image of tiny eggs hatching larvae.  

Divided Countries

Dream - Belgium splitting into two.  

Dream - Split in the church, lots of changes. Walking around Church fete. Cliff Richard brought out a book of prayers as a result of split. 

Dream - Antarctica being divided into three. 

Dream - My group split into two houses under attack by local people - should we make friends with them? 

Dream -Barn full of bulls and I heavily pregnant talking cow. Would give birth to 100s of calves.  

Dream - Scavenger hunt - a group of us going through woods, rivers and caves 

collecting things. 

Dream - Weather predicting machine. Extreme heat, blood, sand, violent. Land partially flooded, rivers made it difficult to travel. 

Dream - Mouse getting across bridge, broken into lots of pieces. 

Work

Physical work is a chore, mental work not. 

Felt depressed, don't want to get up or go to work. 

Didn't go to work (although feeling amel. ). 

Incident at work, made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, upset me. The way I am reacting to this event is out of all proportion to the actual event. Like it has ' pushed a few buttons' in me and bringing up emotion and feelings that don't belong to here and now. 

Feelings of anger towards former work colleagues were not, for once, uppermost in my mind. Wanting to bury the hatchet with former work colleagues; very angry about these people, but wanting to put the past behind me - life's a bit short to carry it around with you. Work incident still popping into my head in day, feeling very sensitive about it.

Again upset by work incident, angry with self for letting it bother me so much and allowing it to happen in the first place.

 Tired and restless - having to do lots of things. 

 Work dream - essence of dream. Doing my job but felt I was wasting my time because someone was doing it already, although it was my responsibility.

Focused, less scatty. Work is easy including doing accounts and teaching a class. The teaching felt dynamic and easy even though it is physical. 

 Returned to work. 

Awareness of motivation to get things done.  

Feeling calm with a surge of motivation. 

 Tired physically, bright mentally. Open and communicative, in touch, relaxed, easy going. Work is not a chore. 

Childhood

 

Male Sexuality

Female Sexuality

Worse PMT I've had in a while. Very moody and impatient. 

Can still get PMT but less intense or manic. 

Doing silly little things (PMT?) like putting inside the fridge things that should go in the cupboard. 

Worse PMT I've had in a while. Very tense, the muscles of my shoulders and neck were hurting. Very moody and impatient. 

Intellectual

I've been dippy all day, I was definitely having a "blonde" day, I put things on top of the car. and drove around town with them still there. 

Totally dippy driving my car today, couldn't find reverse, driving as if I was still in my old car sold 10 year ago (dreamt about it last night). 

Again doing silly little things. Forgetful. 

I'm going to work and I'm still being forgetful. Before I closed the front door I had to go back inside three times. 

At work they said to me that the lights are on but nobody's in. That is not me. 

Forgetful, printing same things out twice.  

Confused over word order. Eg "Hold your hands with your feet" 

Feel sluggish. 

Able to go to supermarket in the evening and be focused and buy a few things, without shutting down. Very unusual, especially for the first day of my period.  

Left the car unlocked in the city centre. Very untypical. 

Not as focused. Less decisive. 

Dropping and spilling food. Spilt some over myself. 

Bumbling.

Left the lights on in the car (the battery ran flat) and hadn't got his AA card. 

Got a parking ticket. 

Muddled like an old man. 

Memory poor. 

Took much longer with clients, not on the ball. 

Took second dose after attending a meeting, felt alert and able to understand everything at the meeting. Did accounts until 23.30. 

Felt clear headed and at ease. 

I purposefully had a more physically active day as the previous days had been relatively uneventful compared with my normally very hectic but unstructured lifestyle. I would have normally felt quite tired after such a day but was still mentally alert and energetic, so did some paperwork and reading. 

Watched two TV programs in the late afternoon (unusual). Felt well but lazy. 

Felt motivated but not pressured. Thinking clearly about my normal activities and planning. 

Annoyed at myself at getting my timetable wrong and ending up flustered. 

Afternoon/evening - clear thoughts. Feel I'm in control again. 

I am surprised I have written so much. I do not normally express my feelings/thoughts. No, I haven't been drinking! 

Still feeling well and alert. 

Notice I have not been in perpetual motion as is normal for me. Perhaps because I am mentally alert, I am thinking about what I am going to do instead of rushing headlong into the many things previously listed regardless of whether I really have time to do them. (overview) 

Being alert mentally is the only thing of note. 

Generals

Day was amel. 

Feel more and more fluey. 

Three people told me I looked awful. 

Bursts of energy later in the evening, felt +++, washed, ironed, tidied up, wrote letters, very busy. Still awake at 4.30. 

Increased energy in evening. 

Increased energy in eve, feel great but look tired, bags under eyes. 

Feel energised and want to go to the gym to stretch and work out body. (Moved around the room, playfully moving parts of her body). I want to go outside and run and be active, or run on a treadmill. Body feels a bit stiff. 

Restless, fiddling around with everything - her nose, neck. 

Now tired, like I've run a marathon... well not quite. 

Fatigued much more than usual from abdominal exercise class. 

Clay like. Lumbery. 

No energy. 

Suddenly felt really dizzy, bit shaky and a bit nauseous, spaced out and weak. Had recently eaten, so not low blood sugar. 

Very tired, just want to flop on the sofa. (During heavy menses). 

Very tired all day, irritable and angry with people at work (after only 3 hours sleep previous night) 

Very cold. 

Low energy, very tired. 

Ran for a few miles and felt amel. 

Neurological

Feel a bit drunk, without the wooziness. 

 Felt I was not in control of my thoughts (delirious), temperature 100°  

 I have a feeling in my body as if slightly drunk, a warmth through my body, relaxed. Senses as if dulled; hearing and vision dulled; feel the edge has been taken off things; feel as if high and removed from things. Is the remedy Prozac? 

 Lots of dreams, all rubbish and confusion, delirious.