Understanding Oncorynchus 

Claudio C. Araujo MD, FFHom(Lon.) et al.

From the proving itself a group of characteristics have emerged, being the first one the impression this patient has from himself: He believes he is a strong person, bold, instinctive and that he’s ready to kill any opponent, if necessary. He believes and he feels himself as if he is an animal in disguise; his inner self belonging to a fierce animal. The proving is expressing this impression through out the image of a wolf: a lone wolf, wandering through the city, with his fangs hidden inside his paws. 

I feel like an animal on the inside but a human on the outside.

Sensation of being a wolf.

Feel like a lone wolf in the city.

Walking in the dark is easy. The wolf is a great teacher. I feel I have the attributes and awareness of a wolf.

It was wonderful walking the city. Feel like a lone wolf at night in the dark.

It’s a relief to be a wolf, as kissing is not a problem. Lick and sniff. Laying on front, paws tucked in, I love the power in my shoulders.

Desire to be free and wild.

Feeling trapped; longing to be free.

Felt a very strong pull during the full moon. Wanted to run wild and get drunk. Ended up running around the garden with my daughter at midnight with sparklers in our hands.
Enclosed in house, desire huge, wide, open spaces.

I feel weightless and free.

Feel resistant, red, stable, powerful, strong.

 Feelings of strength, power and speed.

Feel strong, brave, invincible, positive and going for it. I have no sense of danger. I was cycling along the road at night, when I encountered six or more menacing- looking men blocking my path. I cycled towards them and eventually they moved out of my way. One said, “You were going to cycle into us, weren’t you?” I said, “Yes.” I felt totally fearless and determined to get past them even at the expense of my own safety.

Feeling very emotional and obstreperous, wanting to push people back when they push me in a crowd. Wanted to run across the road in front of cars and take risks. Feeling bolshie, but emotional; feel like crying at the same time.

I felt as if I was not a person, that I was the wrong species. I could not communicate verbally, as if it was the wrong way to communicate, as if there were another way, silently, like animals. Strong desire not to talk.

Had a strange feeling that my face had changed shape and cheeks were full and jowly, like a British bulldog.

Feelings of power and strength. I feel as if some animal quality is emerging, something that is strong and powerful and loving but that would kill to protect itself and its loved ones – like a big cat or a wolf.

Attraction to colours amber and black, warmth and danger. Thinking of bees, lions, leopards and wolves.

Awareness of what is going on but not completely here – half wake, half asleep. Kept seeing wolves. Having the desire to run, bite, scratch and escape.

This inner feeling – of being a wild animal wandering through the city – bring us the second group of symptoms: Oncor-t.longs for a wild life; he longs to be in the mountains, of living in the forests. The proving says that reality around is strange, dirty and he longs to live in the wild.

Everything feels unreal and unnatural.

Everything is disordered. It’s hard to function in disorder.

No interest in doing anything or being with anyone. I want to just lie in bed. I want to go to the mountains. I want to be peaceful and quiet.

I long for peace and quiet, so I can figure out where every noise is coming from. Feel alien in the city – too many sounds.

Night: I feel very safe, extremely emotional with sounds; hopefully I can now communicate. Home is the oceans, deep, still and bathed in sound. Need to record, diving deeper on each dive. Desire to make love in the water.

Boldness, bravery and a wild nature – this brings us the next group of symptoms found in the proving: Oncor-t longs for car races, risk, speed and movement. During the proving, the experimenters felt a strong need for driving, speed, they have longed many times for this sort of emotion. Also many reported a need for continued motion like riding in their car, swimming, walking and running. The impression he has of himself – being someone strong and rave – may lead to his desire for speed, risks, races. Onc-t may be someone longing for radical sports, an athlete longing for sports like racing cars, sailing boat races and so on.

Love walking in the dark semi-light. Feeling my way by my feet, ears and twilight/night vision. Feel warmed up after walk and no longer anxious about driving. 

Wanted to walk outside. Enjoyed walking over frozen snow. Enjoyed the sound of the cracking, of throwing the snow at holly and listening to the beautiful sound when it fell ‘like a rainstick’.

I went for long walks along the Thames every day for months.

Sensation as if gliding. Driving home through thick fog, sensation as if wheels not quite firm on the road, as if gliding slightly.
Enjoying driving. Feeling very moved (emotional) by rivers of traffic. Just going with the river, seeing other rivers flow off in different directions and in the distance others flowing into the stream.

Sensation of timelessness when swimming. Felt powerful swimming through the water. I didn’t care about the time. I could keep on swimming.

Dream: I ‘flew’. There was some sort of propulsion, a balloon. I hung onto this and was transported across the countryside.
Dream: I was flying in planes. I was sometimes the pilot and sometimes the co-pilot.
Hate the proving; want to escape. Hate the uncontrollable feelings. If I could run, bite and get angry, I would be okay.

Sensation of floating everywhere.

Desire to be free and wild.

Feeling trapped; longing to be free.

Realise that I’ve been driving lots in past 2 days. One day I didn’t leave the house except for short walk. Feel as if either very still or permanently on the move.

Feeling rushed. Driving to work, rushed feeling, as if late. Rushed to catch train,
not leaving enough time, anxious that I might forget something. Go back upstairs; forget what I went there for. Timing journey, to remember for the next time. Seem to be continually observing time. Didn’t arrive late. Surprised myself.

Felt very peaceful when driving. Usually go to a meeting and then hightail it back to work, but I took it easy. Thought, “***ger it,” and delayed going back. Felt so relaxed, didn’t want to go back. Felt peaceful and laid back most of the day.

High, racy

Feel slightly out of control, nervy like a highly strung racehorse or an athlete about to take off from the starting blocks.

Feeling high, high-spirited, racy. This starts at 10.30 am and goes on until 4.45 pm. I have heightened senses, can feel everything extremely and things amuse me more than usual.

Feeling high like a pleasant intoxication. 

Feelings of strength, power and speed.

Feelings high, as if given a ‘buzz’ pill. Feel all revved up. It feels like a rush of adrenaline with slightly racing heart, dry mouth, fullness of head, slight but not unpleasant pressure behind the eyes and a hollow feeling in the stomach.

Feel very alert and in good spirits.

Another group of symptoms, similar to the previous group, is expressing his desire of leading a quiet and natural life: of living inside the ocean, under a river –  his inner nature longing for a wild life, away from the city.

When I meditated, I had a very brief sensation of being underwater or in the clouds.

Water is the right element to be in.

Wanted to dive into the Thames when driving over Battersea Bridge. I feel very safe, extremely emotional with sounds; hopefully I can now communicate. Home is the oceans, deep, still and bathed in sound. Need to record, diving deeper on each dive. 

Desire to make love in the water.

No longer exiled in barren wastes. Watery times, refreshed, cleansed, finding direction, coming home, webbed from between the fingers of the Red Sea. Travelling north towards the gates, hearing the sounds of the great city as she wakes. Gentle warmth still rising from the roofs as I ascend the pillars of light. Warm breath of the Earth and her creatures.

Pink haze of dawn before the shimmering heat of the day. To Jerusalem I returned. Sweet spring water, cold depth of wells brought forth into the light of day. Soft, sweet and moist, I join the earth with richer wisdom than before. Sun and Earth rejoice – welcome home.

Altogether with his wild nature and his longings for a wild life - comes his feelings about the others. Onc-t. is someone that feels himself alone, forsake - he carries inside himself this unfulfilled longing for his soul mate. 

Overwhelming sadness. I am totally alone in the world; we are all alone. I am lost. Nobody loves me. It is good to see my mother; she reminds me that I have roots somewhere. I don’t want my mother to grow old and die. I love my family but I am alone. The secret of life is love; all that matters is love.

Evening. Feel tearful, lonely, even though there are people around me.

With painful physical and emotional symptoms, I feel I want to ask for help, whereas before I would always cope with it on my own, however difficult .
Feelings of being abandoned and connected at the same time in a relationship. Deep sadness about the loss, but at the same time not believing the abandonment because of the intense feeling of absolute connection.

I feel an incredible connection with my boyfriend, yet at the same time I feel separate. I thought I could communicate with him through meditation.

I now feel ready to join my soul mate, realising that it may not be time for him yet. I can wait. Even if it’s not in this lifetime it’s okay.

Strong desire for a home and a relationship.

Feeling that I am searching for a place to put down roots, a home, and with someone special.

Awoke feeling wonderful, as if I’ve just fallen in love.

The secret of life is love; all that matters is love.

Feels okay to be alone. My biggest fear is that I never find someone I really love and never settle down.

Thinking how lucky I am to have so many people around me who love me.

Felt down today, not as calm as I usually am. Things not working out with relationships, with men. It’s all to do with men! Feeling disappointed and lost. 

Urge to contact a potential partner. Disappointment when he said that he was thinking about a job overseas.

Feel I want to get engaged and married. Feel almost definite about this.

Obsessed with family and children. I want a baby and a family, a house, a dog, even a husband. Desire to get married and settle down, get pregnant and have a family.

Sudden, deep belief and conviction that I would find my soul mate or life partner.

Deep, yearning, empty feeling. Feel hollow inside. Such a deep hunger, but not for food – for something greater, for the other half of me, which feels stuck or lost in time and space. Deep, deep sorrow. And then I question what would happen if I ever merged with that other half. What would there be then? The cycle would continue and separation would follow.
Cycles are part of this proving, as separation, connection and completion.

I have also been questioning whether it is possible, on this plane, to have a soul mate and whether what I may be searching for is the integration and harmonising of the ‘male & female’ of the male and female in me. The likelihood of finding someone is like a drop in the ocean.

Dream: I found my soul mate. He was a flat mate who I hadn’t really noticed, but he came to help me with my bags as I was about to get on a train. I realised he meant a lot to me and it was mutual. He was tall, fair and broad-shouldered. I felt at peace. 23, 30C, 

Dream: I was in a between state, half in a dream, half somewhere else. I was asking questions and somebody from a higher place was answering them. The only answer I can remember was to the question of what’s the meaning of life? It’s love.

The next group of symptoms can tells us what may happen when this patient doesn’t get enough room for himself., couldn’t reach his gol and follow his longings. We have already understood how he feels about himself and about his environment. The symptoms have showed how he’s expressing his feelings. But lets figured out now how an “encaged” Oncor-t. patient may feel when not aloud to live the life he wants to live:

Feeling trapped; longing to be free.

Hate the proving; want to escape. Hate the uncontrollable feelings. If I could run, bite and get angry, I would be okay.

Very emotional. Desire death as an escape; can’t cope. Sobbing.

I woke with severe depression, worse than usual, feeling hopeless, like a loser. I realised the truth about my self, that I will not be able to go through life because I am too stupid and it is too late for anything. I tried to do various things and was confused. I was crying, very unusual, felt trapped in the world. I said, “I want to die,” but the knowledge that I will have to return to this world made me feel helpless and trapped. I fell asleep and had lots of dreams about water, the sea and pools. After sleep I felt drained and weak but the depression had gone.

Generally felt battered, like an animal or a defenceless victim. I felt like I wanted to be left alone to die; there is nothing to live for. Felt as if I had been beaten to death. 

Desire death in the evening. I think about shooting myself. This has passed through my mind a lot this week. I’m going to f***ing kill myself. Violent death. I’ll never have a loving union with anyone. I hate myself.

Strong self-pity: “It always happens to me.” Hatred of everything that happens. Sudden tears. I feel all alone; I want to die. I hate not feeling like me. I hate not feeling strong. I fear that I will get ill again, physically and emotionally. I feel I can’t handle it anymore. Feeling like I am in the wrong place, in the wrong species – humans are not my species.

Desolation and despair, sadness. The bottom of my soul is like all time and all life times, like there is no time and it is just the journey of the soul. It feels like a circle is near to completion.

A feeling of enormity. Everything is too big to do anything about. Lack of will, hopelessness, an inner feeling of dull ache tinged with anger. Feel cut off. Can’t get in touch with the anger.

Coming home from work in the evening and I had a strong feeling that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I felt angry and wanted to cry. Felt dissatisfied with my job and life generally. Felt that work was too slow and monotonous. I feel irritated by everything.

Irritable

I felt as if I was not a person, that I was the wrong species. I could not communicate verbally, as if it was the wrong way to communicate, as if there were another way, silently, like animals. Strong desire not to talk.

Feeling of being a helpless victim. Helpless, hopeless; given up completely. I don’t care. No resistance at all.

Completely cut off and alienated from everybody. Sad and crying all the time. Intensely emotional, and feeling the sad and hurtful events of my life.

Feeling exposed, vulnerable, cut off from outside, withdrawn.

No interest in doing anything or being with anyone. I want to just lie in bed. I want to go to the mountains. I want to be peaceful and quiet.

Feel rather apathetic, slow and sluggish. Everything seems too much effort.

Felt in another reality, a completely different place; kept on trying to remember where I was like I was lost, completely disorientated. Then dreamt of friends, of being left somewhere I didn’t know and I was trying to find home, my home, feeling exasperated and frustrated.

Confusion about my emotions. Lost. Don’t know what’s going on. Wanted to act on my emotions, pour them out, do something, and spent hours trying to express what I was feeling on paper. Wish I knew where it all came from. Lots of indecision: to act or not act. Totally confused. Deep longing. Like a boil come to a head. Being on the proving remedy is about highs and lows, splitting and coming together; very spiritual, ethereal aspects; maybe clearing something, voicing something. More at ease with myself, despite deep stuff.

What can we understand from the proving symptoms of this remedy? What is our conclusion about the deep nature of this patient?

It’s clear that he feels himself as a free person, a free wolf wandering through nature, longing for iiving in forests, where there is wild life around. It will be very unlikely to find this patient living in a big city, working behind a desk in a regular job basis. 

He has deep inside this strong impulse to go and live a wild live he longs so much for.

His first impression of this world is one of disorder. He’s probably  trying to find for himself a better place to live. 

 He has these two aspects in his life:

A strong feeling of being someone strong, powerful, determined, violent to the point of killing someone.

His desire of living in the wild, free, among the mountains and nature.

From the other side, he is alone, he feels alone to the point of killing himself.

We may suppose that someone who has this choice of lifestyle has renounced some of the comforts of a common life, like housing, plumbing, heating, gas and electricity. Who will follow our patient along his decision of living in the wilderness? He maybe a lone wolf. Strrong, wild but lonely. And his/hers feelings and longings for a mate may arouse from this social situation where he’s into. Where is his/her mate? His choice of living will keep most of people far from him. 

So we have this sequence: A strong feeling person, longing for a wild and dangerous life, averse to a regular job and a social “square” community, longing for freedom and for a life near nature, but longing for a mate and suffering from loneliness.

I couldn’t avoid compare the proving symptoms with a song written by Mars Bonfire who, during the sixties, co-founded a band named Steppenwolf (the steppe wolf) and wrote one of their main hits, a song called “Born to be Wild”. The band’name, altogether with this song, may embody the idea of this remedy – living free with no boundaries, no limits, born to be free and wild. 

The band’s name comes from the book “Steppenwolf” written by the German writer Herman Hesse and published in 1927.

Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Looking for adventure
In whatever comes our way

Yeah, darlin'
Gonna make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space

I like smoke and lightnin'
Heavy metal thunder
Racing in the wind
And the feeling that I'm under

Like a true nature child
We were born
Born to be wild
We can climbed so high
I never wanna die
Born to be wild