Understanding Vanilla

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo M:D. FFHom (Lon) et al.

The world around the Vanilla patient is filled with danger. As we read more and more the symptoms there is a clear image emerging from the provers: there is no safe place for Vanilla. Wasps, wolfs, killers, robbers, terrorists, dead people and graveyards, that’s what belongs to Vanilla subconscious mind. Most of all, like the script of a horror movie, there’s “this” weird house, killing its occupants. A house means protection, shelter during the night, our home with the family we belong. Vanilla is also lost in well know streets, also feeling lost when he drives in the roads - he had lost his sense of direction. 

Vanilla needs to clean everything around her. Let’s think the other way: if one needs to clean, is only because everything seeing around is dirty. Otherwise she will not be so intensely fond of cleaning. This impression should be added to the other impressions and then we can figure out Vanilla’s own world: it is a dangerous, threating, dirty and menacing world out there and there’s no way out of it; Vanilla can’t find his way out, his way back home, he is totally lost.

There is also no mention of Vanilla’s relation to the others, but for company and parting. Some symptoms mentioned Vanilla’s lack of compassion to one’s fellow men.

…The call goes easy and the adjustor is co-operative, apologetic, compassionate and concerned about my welfare.  He discloses personal information about his previous job as a nurse and that he has experienced colon cancer. I am surprised by his personal revelations and I am caught wondering about his motives and his sincerity.  He takes a long time to close the conversation and I am feeling myself to be impatient and I am counting the seconds under my breath.

…I realize that complaining is tiring and is a way of procrastinating and not doing creative work.  I am more drawn to begin my book project, more than ever before.  I spend time thinking about the details of the book that I want to write.

My 9:30 patient is late and arrives 35 minutes late.  This is her first time to the clinic and she got disoriented.  I finish the appointment on time despite her lateness.

Vanilla has a strong criticism towards society and the others. And this criticism is associated with one´s own responsibilities. This is a feeling in one of the provers. But - the real Vanilla patient will assume his disposition of not having responsibility over nothing. His energy is only for what he believes it’s the best for him. The text says: “I just want to go and read my book”.

1 42:  irritable, critical

1 44:  down and irritable all day. Critical and feeling overwhelmed with home responsibilities.

 6 14: – Mild Headache and tired all day. Felt irritated and didn’t really want to go look at rental places but did anyways and felt so irritated by it.

1 11: Irritable-at husband- petulant --husband’s family obligations (before menses)

6 08: Became suddenly irritated and angry when I was making phone calls about practice opportunities.  I was extremely anxious as soon as I started to go through

 the list of numbers.  Suddenly I felt I wasn’t doing this thoroughly and I couldn’t figure out how to go about doing this properly as to be sure I covered them all and this made me so irritated and anxious.  I was still irritated for the rest of the day even though I stopped pursuing anything to do with my practice. I took it out on my husband – I felt so irritated, and I didn’t know what to do with these feelings.  I just wanted to go read my book.

Vanilla is averse to domestic duties. So, she probably will not get married. She doesn’t want to be told what to do. She gets impatient when helping people in a store. She will not work for someone else. She doesn’t like to be a mother. If so, she will be impatient with her children.

Impatient, she wants things that can be solved quickly.

Clumsy, distracted, losing things.

Lazy, doesn’t want to be disturbed or bothered. Tired.

Procrastinating (it means -no job)

Vanilla lacks coordination, he bangs himself over the chairs, he drops things, is easily distracted by other thoughts that are crossing his mind. The text says the Vanilla is unable to focus. He wants to be “sitting on a dock of a bay”, he doesn’t want to be bothered. He just wants to sit there looking cool, “happy to be sitting, not moving or thinking”.

 Realize that Lyrics to “Sitting on a Dock of a Bay…watching the tide roll away, sitting on a dock of a bay wasting time …” running though my head, sitting in hot tub last night, alone, I sang the lyrics out load, I would never do this normally, I was not shy to do this, even if someone came I do not think it would have bothered me. I have been humming or singing it in the shower, in the bathroom, near water? Has my pace slowed, not just the fact that I am having a business- holiday trip, even before I left home I felt I was not being as efficient, but may just be that my pace has changed

 Spacey feeling. Unable to focus. Vegetative. Happy to be just sitting, not moving or thinking even though I was with a friend. Lasted about 1.5 hours.

 I have delayed in recording my dreams and so by the time I get to the computer, I have forgotten them. It is too much effort to record my symptoms and I am overwhelmed by the lethargy.  Lethargy breeds more lethargy. In the past few days I had so much energy and now I am on the complete opposite end.

The sentence “I had so much energy and now I am on a complete opposite end” explains what is the primary effect of the drug in the prover and what are the secondary effects, the ones we must search for in the patient. Secondary effects are the ones our real Vanilla patient will show to us.

I procrastinate today. Little jobs are efforts and I am easily distracted.  My sense of accomplishment for the things needing to be done is little.  Instead, I vacuum the hundreds of flies that have come to the windows.  The weather is warm and flies have left their hibernation places and the windows attract them.  I vacuum the flies in the deck and also start vacuuming the floor of miniscule debris.

 I wake up exhausted and feel that something has shifted in my energy.  I am so tired and I have to work.  I am dragging my but.

 10 10: 7:00 I want to sleep longer and have difficulty getting up.  It’s a deeper sleep.  I feel annoyed because I cannot remember any dreams. My alarm clock goes off and I forget everything (all I remembers from my dreams is a lot of people).

There are some sexual symptoms, but it´s only related to Vanilla’s sexual drive, not to love.

Dream: Sexual dream about male genitals and crazy things. That is all she remembers.

4Sexual desire increase.

 I have a pimple in the middle of my forehead (in real life) – in my dream I tried to squeeze it but what came out of the pimple was an actual size penis – in my dream I just thought that it looked exactly like a penis and wished that I had thought to hang on to it to show people how strange that was – once it was out there was a bit of a crater in my forehead because it was so big but it closed up with cold water like a regular pimple.

 Sexual dream about male genitals and crazy things.  That is all I remember (…)

In what sort of way did Vanilla build a strategy to overcome his fears and longings? Since she’s here for good, how can she survive?

Over weighted, happy and always with a smile on her face; always in a hurry, because she has many things to do. She loves eating; she loves to enjoy the good pleasurable things that life offers to everyone. She loves beautiful dresses and dancing parties, but most of all what she loves more is to eat, to go to nice restaurants. She is also the one that, in a restaurant or in a party, loves to make people laugh.

That’s our Vanilla patient.

She will expend her money shopping for budgets, looking for opportunities and sales, wasting away any time available. She wants to looking good, to be nicely dressed.

She wants to buy things for her house and her kitchen.

…I spend my time looking at dishcloths instead of buying the things I need.  I examine each of the colors and the different types and marvel at the texture of the weave of the cloth.  I am fascinated by these dishrags.  I buy a package of green ones.  The purchase of dishcloths fills me with excitement.  I spend too much in the store looking at the dishrags that I have no time to look for the things I need so I quickly choose things at random.  I arrive late to pick up my son. I am not worried. (Since my accident, if I am late, I will be frantic and upset and nervous.)

Changed hairstyle, normally wear hair up. Felt like a change. Wore it down to work (bank), got some positive comments.

Now she’s getting fat, day after day. And we know that, from getting fat, she will lose her beauty, her disposition to work and mostly her health. From being fat: how could she keep on dancing and parting? How would she buy and ware nice dresses? 

Is she enjoying life at its upper most because there will be no tomorrow? 

This is our hypothesis: Vanilla lives one’s live as if everything should be lived at its most. 

There is no hope for a future or even there will be no future. Everything must be lived at once. And “living” - for the Vanilla patient - means parting, eating and looking good. 

Why did Vanilla choose to live like that? Why she believes that that’s the best way to enjoy “the last moments of her life”? 

Because there is way out of this scary, dangerous and dirty world.

Sensation like there is no tomorrow: eat as much as you can, have as much sex as you can, buy stuff like there’s no tomorrow, it will be gone forever.

 I also had two dreams of drugs. In one, a shady man standing beneath a tree asked me if I wanted to buy “coke,” so I asked him if he had peyote and mushrooms, and he said, he did. He took me into a house, where they were some men and women sitting around a kitchen table, and in the adjacent room on a sofa, three people were watching TV. One woman had a plate of salad that she was eating. There were extremely large pieces of marijuana that she was eating in the salad, casually. I was surprised at how much there was and how much she was eating and that no one was making a big deal

8 1 go into an old bookstore.  There are very few bookcases and the few that have books are sparsely placed.  I reach for a title of a book on “Archetypes” and as I leaf through the pages, I see that it is beautifully printed.  The style of type is as if it has been handwritten in a simple but elegant calligraphy.  I pick up another book from another shelf called “The Life and Death of Captain Tom Dooley”.  It is a book about a sailor and even without looking in the book, I know what is in it.  The story is about a sailor who drinks too much, loves too much and dies young.

We have heard stories about people that fit in Captain Tom Dooley’s way of living - to live one’s life in extreme – bearing his perspective to see the world. Many artists, rock stars and probably lots of unknowing people have all decided to live (and to die) like Dooley. They all have a predictable outcome and some of them, after their passing have become a sort of example to a group of relinquished people bearing the same ideas and the same longings. They live and enjoy youth at its most; dancing, eating, dressing, and drugging themselves. But only to finally becoming sick and dying very young.

Groups in Vanilla

Symptoms from the Louis Klein and Rebecca Horwood proving.

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo MD, FFHom (Lon)

Humor

Laughing

12 1 – I had a dream that I was informally acting in front of a group of people, trying to make them laugh. I was acting like I was George Burns, whom I told them was the best actor ever. I was speaking as if I had a small burnt out cigar in the right corner of my mouth, and I was holding it and placing it in and out of my mouth. I was also speaking with his accent. Later in this dream, I switched into speaking with a thick southern accent.

 Dream2: I do or say something so funny that I laugh and laugh. I laugh so much that in the dream I wake up from the dream.

10 01: 3:30 went to Grocery story and was laughing and giggling—vegetables rolling on floor and thought it was really funny.  I was also very tired.  My daughter told me “Mom you are acting weird”.

Partying

8 10 There is a clothing sale in a beautiful home with many beautiful women with lots of money to spend.  The clothes are beautiful and displayed on exquisite hangers.  Each item costs $15.00.  I chose many items, hats, shoes, dresses.  Several women comment by murmuring that I have a lot of things.  I react by questioning myself whether that is true but I conclude that I like everything and I will buy them all.  I pay for them and immediately notice that I have purchased items that I already own.  I bought a pair of shoes that I don’t wear and dresses that I don’t wear.  The more I look, I notice that I have bought things that I own.  I find the woman in charge who happens to be my fitness trainer and CH tells me that I can return anything I don’t want.  As I survey the huge pile of things that happen to be lying on a bed, I notice that I have a huge brimmed hat along with a couple of old fashion hats with feathers and veils.  I choose these hats because they are so rare and old that I will never be able to find them anywhere again.  I decide that I do not want the 2 new dresses that were not previously owned by me and I return them, along with the pair of shoes and other items that I owned.  As I gather the things that I did buy and carry them to my car, I am feeling that I misjudged my purchases and even the hats are things I do not want any longer.  My indulgent shopping spree is empty and full of regret.

 8 15 I am getting dressed for my wedding.  I put on a light blue top and an orange skirt.  The skirt looks ok but the blue top is not the one I like.  I remember that I have a gorgeous white blouse in my closet.  I am late and I am frantic removing my blue top.  I am trying to do too many things at once and I feel so late.

8 12 My mother has moved to a new home (which is her present home that she has lived in for about 30 years).  I am looking in her closet for some dresses, particularly two to wear and I cannot find any that belong to me.  I ask my mother for these two dresses and she instead gives me polyester blue fuzzy sheets for a bed.  I look at these extremely warm sheets in puzzlement because it is very hot and it is summer.

 8 12 I am going off to camp and I arrive with no clothes that are suitable for camp. I have only winter clothes and no swimsuit or shorts or cool blouses.  I am frantic that I have nothing to wear.  I am given a few articles of clothes but no shorts or bathing suit by G. (ex-partner).  No one has clothes to share and no one seems concerned that I need some.

 8 17 I lost an earring, which is my most favorite and cherished earrings.  I am sad and so distraught that I could have lost it.    The earrings were a gift from a friend who bought them at the Metropolitan Museum in NY.  I am afraid that they are no longer making them.  Such grief.

 1 48 XXX I was at a jewelry store getting some funky colorful earrings , the same ones that were stolen from me three times already. When I came back a second time they seemed irritated and perplexed (like again!). After the third pair were stolen they said they did not have any more in stock and had to order them.

 Shopping, goodies

3 X: XXXX shopping-big issue, want to buy beautiful, fine things, shoes

 8 02: 16:30   I take my son for a chiropractic appointment.  I have a half an hour to do a few errands.  I am shopping for items for my Open House this weekend and I go the Dollar Store.  I spend my time looking at dishcloths instead of buying the things I need.  I examine each of the colors and the different types and marvel at the texture of the weave of the cloth.  I am fascinated by these dishrags.  I buy a package of green ones.  The purchase of dishcloths fills me with excitement.  I spend too much in the store looking at the dishrags that I have no time to look for the things I need so I quickly choose things at random.  I arrive late to pick up my son. I am not worried. (Since my accident, if I am late, I will be frantic and upset and nervous.)

 2 14: 14:30 While shopping had to exercise great restraint to keep from buying pottery that was a beautiful teal blue slip contracting w the warm orange - redness of the terracotta. I had a very intense feeling of attraction to these colors. I have always liked good color combinations, these being complementary, but I am overly attracted and want to buy several pieces for myself and well as for others as gifts.

 8 13: XX:XX  I am witnessing a special wedding from a fairy tale.  I am absolutely enchanted by the events at the wedding.  I stay up late dancing with no foot pain.

 8 25: 13:00 I am an hour late to pick up a bouquet of flowers for my sister who is graduating with her Masters in Engineering and I feel like I will never make it on time for the ceremonies.  While the woman is wrapping the flowers and putting them in water I am attracted to a row and tables of orchids.  There are purple, white and yellow ones.  I linger and take my time looking at every one of them unable to decide which one I want.  I have completely forgotten how late I am.   Although I have seen orchids many times before I am so entranced by their exquisite beauty.  I decide that I have no room for another plant and leave but on a table near the cashier is a beautiful purple orchid with 2 branches of flowers.  I cannot resist and buy them and decide to give them to my mom.

7 06: 19:20 changed earrings from pearl studs (which I always wear) to drop earrings with garnites, to go out.

 7 08: 8:20 changed hairstyle, normally wear hair up. Felt like a change. Wore it down to work (bank), got some positive comments

 7 08: 18:00 met friend for Ethiopian meal, she commented that I looked healthier, more relaxed

 7 09: 9:45-4:30 helped brother move to new apartment, lots of heavy lifting. He made comments on how strong I was

 8 09: 1:55 I wake up and see the time on the clock. I am unable to sleep. I am not hungry.  My mind is awake and it won’t shut off.

Productive, happy and energetic

 1 13: 24:10 Do not feel tired, continues with trend of proving, staying up later.

 1 16: 23:30 desire to stay up and watch TV until midnight.

 1 45: XXXX very productive and happy today

 3 10: 07:30  Able to get right out of bed when my alarm went off, I usually don’t get up for 30min or so. More energy today in general

 6 02: 15:00 Then great towards afternoon. Positive and energetic.

 6 03: 20:00 – Lots of energy. Went for a run. Came

 alive at night – lots of energy, not ready to go to bed at 10:00 as usual.

 6 05: XX:XX –  Great day. Positive and excited about the future.

 6 15: XX:XX – Felt great all day. Decided on a game plan for tomorrow – excited about doing my thing now.

 8 13: XX:XX  I attend a wedding that is held at a ski resort.  It is a beautiful autumn day and just looking at the empty ski lifts and mountain slopes makes me feel that I could ski again.  I am very excited about the hills and ski shops in the village near by.

 8 14: 7:20:  I wake up after a short sleep of 6 hours to start my day.  I am energetic and ready to go. During today there is a long car ride to travel to Windsor for Thanksgiving dinner.

 8 15: XX:XX I drive home and I am tireless and feel that my stamina is endless.

 8 21: 17:00 I see an ad in the Globe for ski trips to Tremblant. I have not skied since the car accident and feel that this year would be a good time to see if I could ski again.  I made reservations for my two sons and husband.  I am very excited to go skiing.

 8 31: 13:00 While on the equipment that does not require running, I glance at the women who are running so easily on the treadmill.  I am reminded of my dream and wonder if I should try.  I choose not to because I know I won’t be able to. (Dream:  I am at my fitness club and I am running or jogging on the trend mill.  I can feel the air blowing through my hair and the feeling is exhilarating being able to run so easily and fast.  (In real life I am unable to run because of broken bones in my right foot.))

11 02: 6:30 No trouble getting up this morning.

Anxiety

8 01: XX:XX  Anxious, feeling tight for time.   My heart is squeezed and feels tight.  My breath is in my upper chest.  Breathing deep causes my heart to hurt a little bit.

 8 03: 7:00 I wake with anxiety that I have too much to do and I won’t be able to do it all today yet that is not the case.

Irritability and criticism, mad at others, averse to responsibilities

1 15: 19:00 slightly irritable, short of patience, ended after Board meeting. Eyes are sore rubbing both eyes (During menses)

 1 22: 16:00 Very short temper with people, told by a friend to chill out.

 1 28: 14:00 short temper- enrage easily

 1 32: 2:30 someone stood very close to me and I got a real feeling of being crowded more so than usual. I usual back away when someone comes too close, but this action made me mad and I noticed it.

 1 42: XXXX irritable, critical

 1 44: XXXX down and irritable all day. Critical and feeling overwhelmed with home responsibilities

 4 04: XX:XX Irritable

 6 14: XX:XX – Mild Headache and tired all day. Felt irritated and didn’t really want to go look at rental places but did anyways and felt so irritated by it.

1 11: 17:30 Irritable-at husband- petulant --husband’s family obligations (before menses)

6 08: 15:00 – Became suddenly irritated and angry when I was making phone calls about practice opportunities.  I was extremely anxious as soon as I started to go through

 the list of numbers.  Suddenly I felt I wasn’t doing this thoroughly and I couldn’t figure out how to go about doing this properly as to be sure I covered them all and this made me so irritated and anxious.  I was still irritated for the rest of the day even though I stopped pursuing anything to do with my practice. I took it out on my husband – I felt so irritated and I didn’t know what to do with these feelings.  I just wanted to go read my book.

Giving orders, terse, scolding and cursing

1 13: 12:30 I was stung on my right calf. Got very agitated after I was stung. Husband stood their stunned and I barked instructions at him.

 2 07: 18:00 - Picked my Mom up at the airport after her return from a business trip

 I appeared to give orders to a traffic monitor at the pick up area, he said, “I don’t listen to any one who tries to give me orders”. I apologized for his perception and reworded my comment. He was very nice after this. I had not realized I had spoken in such a manner, this is not my normal state. I have been told I am normally gentle, and kind when speaking. I do not remember exactly what I said or how I said it.

 7 25: XX:XX There seems to be a lot more nasty customers than usual over last few weeks, colleague also mentioned this. She is taking their comments very personally, at times having to leave the till to avoid exploding.

 7 47: XX:XX I asked a colleague if she had noticed any changes, she mentioned that I was very ‘terse’ (her words) early in the proving.

 8 03: 17:30 While driving with my teenage son I am feeling a heavy wave of fatigue.  My eyes are heavy and I feel that any conversation is too much.  When we get home, my son wants to drive the car instead of the truck.  I feel irritated but I don’t have the energy to give him an explanation.  My response is short and indifferent.  I don’t want to discuss anything with him.

 8 05: 8:10 I am yelling as loud as I can at my son for missing his school bus.  I don’t care how profane I am. I am angry with him for a long list of behaviors that I lump together.  I’m angry at his selfishness and self-centered attitude.

 10 03:XX:XX I went to Sears and became very aggressive with salesperson in appliances as they delivered my appliances and no hose for the washer was included.  I insisted that they take the delivery charge off my bill and I was very persistent and forward about it.

9 03: 6:30 I was cooking a meal and although I’m known to drop things, it was ludicroushow frequently I was dropping things while making a meal, especially cutlery and spatulas, and I broke a glass. And I found it so irritating and I was loudly cursing after every drop.

 Sad and lonely, desire to be alone and not communicate

 4 04: XX:XX Sad, calmly sad, lonely, but want to be alone, no desire to communicate

 4 04:XX:XX Sad - it is bigger then me, depressed with no reason, very sad, anguish, do not want to communicate with people at all

 4 X: XXXX Does not want to communicate: stop to talk to friends, stop to communicate with relatives and many friends, have no desire as well to talk to supervisor.

 5 X: XXXX (Supervisor) Had trouble keeping in touch with Prover…felt wanted to call, but never seemed to contact each other…also kept meaning to call but did  not actually do it as much as I meant to.

 6 05: XX:XX Felt irritated at having to call my supervisor. He was difficult to get a hold of and I felt like I was taking away from his day to do this thing and I didn’t want to talk anyways. I feel like -what’s the sense, I am writing it all down anyways.

 6 08: XX:XX Still have not really communicated with my supervisor much.  I don’t feel the need to though.

 8 10: I had conflict of scheduling and I semi-solved it.  I went to my meeting and hoped that my patient would pick up her messages.  When I am at the meeting I am wondering how so much talk can be made over very little that has no relevance to us.  There is really so little that needs to be said.

Depression

7 18 XX:XX Had ultrasound appt., got impression problem was uterine fibroids (have hx of fibroids) Depressed for most of day, feel due to above, colleague at work mentioned that I seemed very subdued, sad, not usual self

7 39: XX:XX Depressed most of the day

8 08: XX:XX  I am so tired that the day feels empty and bleak.

7 32: XX:XX Colleague made a ‘seal’ to protect herself from the negativity of the customers and ward off any evil sent her way. I’m curious. I mentioned that I was feeling a lot more negative than usual and wondered if I could do with one myself.

Frustration

1 24 XXXX tired all day. Frustrated that I could not shake off lethargy. Feel like I am going through the motions.

With Oneself

Clumsy, uncoordinated and dropping things

 2 01: XXXX Clumsy, uncoordinated, dropping things

 2 02, 03: XXXX Clumsy

 2 06: 1845 - While serving dinner dropped steak on floor after coming in from BBQ

 Had to cook it more to sterilize it, my partner and I laughed it off, but I feel so out of balance and uncoordinated

 2 07:12:30 - After enjoying and walk in the woods w my dog I hit my head on side of car door frame getting back into car, not sure why I did it as there was no reason for the miscalculation, and I did not slip that I recall. Left welt on forehead. Did take Arn 30 C upon returning home about 15 minutes later. Have been very clumsy, family and friends are noticing. So far we have been laughing it off, but this incident resulted in a broken pair of glasses and a pretty good-sized lump. Sore neck after for a long time right side.

 2 16: 18:00 Still clumsy, broke my friends small glass pitcher when helping to prepare dinner. Felt so badly, had a hard time letting it go. My friend was not the least concerned

 2 23: XXXX Bruising easily or clumsiness?, Bruise badly right breast 25 mm as the result of getting up to quickly and catching corner of a cupboard left open

 4 02: 20:00 cannot type on computer, tremor and bad coordination in hands

 7 02: 12:13 slammed drawer shut on L index finger

 9 03: 6:30 I was cooking a meal and although I’m known to drop things, it was ludicrous how frequently I was dropping things while making a meal, especially cutlery and spatulas, and I broke a glass. And I found it so irritating and I was loudly cursing after every drop.

 10 17: XX:XX  feel clumsy - dropping things on floor etc.

 10 04: 4:XX I was late at a parents’ meeting and when I arrived in class I dropped everything on the floor.

 8 10 I am lying in bed and I am challenged by the difficulty to turn my body around in bed.  Each time I turn, it is clumsy and awkward and my movements are occupying a large space.  The exercise of turning has the same quality as a competition.  I sense that I must make my turn so that I will win the race, but each time that I turn, I cannot succeed in doing it in the space that I am suppose to.

Losing things

 4 01: 14:00 start to loose things, lost sunglasses, parking ticket

 4 04:XX:XX Couple of things happened in house- my daughter lost a dog (he was with me at that time)(lost)   She was very upset, then she played with dog and almost killed him, not on purpose, he felt down the stairs, and again she was very sad and cried.(loosing)

 8 14: 9:22:  The phone rings in the hotel room where I am staying and it is the bride calling to tell me that she found my Visa card and sunglasses under the table where I sat.  We were just about to leave our hotel room to return home.  The timing could not have been better.

 9 -01: XX:XX Went to take the remedy, and was intent on taking it, but couldn’t locate it even though it wasn’t well hidden.

 9  04, 05: XX:XX The weekend of the same week I took the remedy seemed to be rich with the theme of revolutionary – fight heroically against the “man” type films that I saw, like The Weatherman Underground. I also had my laptop stolen, with quite a dramatic chase of the perpetrators going on around me as I waited to make the police report.

Lack of focus, procrastination and lazy 

2 22: XX:XX Realize that Lyrics to “Sittin’ on a Dock of a Bay…watching the tide roll away, sittin’ on a dock of a bay wasting time …” running though my head, sitting in hot tub last night, alone, I sang the lyrics out load, I would never do this normally, I was not shy to do this, even if someone came I do not think it would have bothered me. I have been humming or singing it in the shower, in the bathroom, near water? Has my pace slowed, not just the fact that I am having a business- holiday trip, even before I left home I felt I was not being as efficient, but may just be that my pace has changed

 6 03: XX:XX – Felt relaxed most of the day. Not concerned about being on time. Never felt rushed even though I was late.  Couldn’t believe I actually made it on time.

5 05:XXXX felt very frustrated trying to make a decision about what to do for the weekend  - very upset, felt empty and very tired

6 03: 10:00  Spacey feeling. Unable to focus. Vegetative. Happy to be just sitting, not moving or thinking even though I was with a friend. Lasted about 1.5 hours.

 6 06: XX:XX – Lazy day, felt fairly lethargic and wanted to just relax and be with my husband. Normally I feel much better talking out my feelings but I can’t be bothered.

 Not a whole lot going on. I feel like I should have accomplished more this

 week towards my business but I don’t really care. I just needed time to chill this

 week and I’m okay with that.

 8 08: XX:XX  I am so tired and feel that the previous days which had been filled with occupation, cleaning and a deep sense of urgency to finish my work has finally caught up with me.  I am so tired that the day feels empty and bleak.

 8 08: XX:XX I have delayed in recording my dreams and so by the time I get to the computer, I have forgotten them.   It is too much effort to record my symptoms and I am overwhelmed by the lethargy.  Lethargy breeds more lethargy.   In the past few days I had so much energy and now I am on the complete opposite end.

 8 09: XX:XX I procrastinate today.  Little jobs are efforts and I am easily distracted.  My sense of accomplishment for the things needing to be done is little.  Instead, I vacuum the hundreds of flies that have come to the windows.  The weather is warm and flies have left their hibernation places and the windows attract them.  I vacuum the flies in the deck and also start vacuuming the floor of miniscule debris.

 8 22: 9:30 I wake up exhausted and feel that something has shifted in my energy.  I am so tired and I have to work.  I am dragging my but.

 10 10: 7:00 I want to sleep longer and have difficulty getting up.  It’s a deeper sleep.  I feel annoyed because I cannot remember any dreams. My alarm clock goes off and I forget everything (all I remembers from my dreams is a lot of people).

10 04: I was late at this parents’ meeting and as I arrived in class I dropped everything on the floor. I felt embarrassed about being late….Hurry and running more and more.

 Busy and hurry

Anticipation

 1 08:13:00 Worrying that there will be an accident when we travel to California in December. Wonder what would happen to our dog if we died?

 6 09: 15:00 – Really starting to get anxious about going to see the psychic tonight

 6 09: XX:XX Anxious all day, but worse as our appointments with the psychic approached

 7 16: 9:20 decided to hold off buying car, as there are too many unknowns about future

Seeing eyes with cataracts

 2 32: 6:30 Delusion on waking seeing eyes w cataracts, I was not dreaming, I was awake

Poems/meditations

 2 22: 4:00 Woke w poem, rhyme in my head

 Light, lightness, lifting

 Let go - drifting

 Orange Blue - what to do?

 Run rush gush

 

 2  (-1): XXXX Meditation after the Remedy:

 Toronto Best Western

 Sitting by pool on recliner

 Eyes closed

 Sensation as if rising up, lifting, light

 Wrist and forearm ache as I hold remedy

 Oesophagus as high as tongue feels tights, thin, long, too tight, feels as if nausea and trying not to vomit

 Feel cool, like cool water or cold in chest, ribs at sides, lateral

 Feel as if I am thinner than I am

 Sensation of a cool spot in the center of the forehead at hair line as if a cool patch the shape of an oval

 Forehead feels odd shaped, as if higher or longer

 Quivering jaw as if about to cry. Like when a baby cry’s and chin quivers

 Left arm feels very light and right arm feels very heavy

 See blue color even though eyes closed

 Looking at my own feet from far away, as great distance/height

 Can see my ribs standing out, as if I have no breasts in the way and very slim/emaciated?, but have a very distended belly, stomach

 Blue image floating to left like dolphin or fish, then turns away

 Noisy Belch, open mouth ( this is unusual for me, I did not even cover my mouth)

 Bigger or higher on the Right side than on the left, imbalance

 Image of a gaping mouth/opening, tear dropped shaped, then seems like fish mouth wide open, swims toward me then turns away

 Cold feeling between the eyes

 Raising arms over my head and clasping hands together, palms rotate to sky, above my head, head tilted upward, amyl oesophagus sensation of tightness, nausea, and abdominal bloating feeling, > stretching longer

 Belch again

I am really enjoying the sun shining on me, even on my head, normally I would need a hat if I were to sit this long in the direct sun as I have had serious heat stroke in the past and do not normally do well in direct sun. I am enjoying the sun and its warmth

Image of a petal, tear dropped shape, blue

Pressing head ache between eyes, fore head, as id separating left and right hemisphere

Hypothalamus word comes to mind

Plant bacteria comes to mind?

Open eyes = fascinated w blue sky and blue of pool, desire going up, floating, into blue sky

Lost of load belching during meditation

30 minutes since the beginning of mediation, had to get up urgently to have a BM. Had to use WC by pool as I could not take time to make it back to my room.

Loose foul smelling diarrhoea, yellow pale orange in color, reminds me of the first few BM of new born baby

Feel light headed after BM

 

6 10: XX:XX Can’t stop processing everything the psychic said – in awe at how many memories he brought up, overwhelmed by this whole change in my perspective on life and death, and amazed at how I feel as if I know myself so much better.

Tumors on foot

 4 21 dream of tumor on my second toe on right foot. tumor was destructive, I open it and tried to clean it. it ate almost two fallings off.

A strong appetite

7 01: 17:30 bought 2 large whole chickens, on special, cashier had problem with barcodes, long line of customers behind me. Normally I would be very irritated, I was very calm and watched while cashier became more and more flustered

 8 25: 20:00  I am at a restaurant and my sister orders Tartar.  It comes with a raw egg on top of a mound of raw hamburger meat.   I shudder looking at it.  My sister offers me a taste and I strangely accept.  The taste is delicious and my sister gives me more and I eat loving every bite.

 8 26: XX:XX I tell my husband how much I loved the raw meat and insist that we go to this restaurant for dinner sometime.

8 01: 19:30 Eating supper, and not really tasting the food.  My son comments on how good the feta cheese tastes and I can’t really differentiate its taste.   I am eating but there’s no enjoyment.

No tomorrow; eat as much as you can

 2 23: XX:XX Huge desire for food and eating become is big issue. Put on 10 pounds. Cannot get on diet, have no control over it. craving sweets, meat, salty

 2 XX: XX:XX Sensation like there is no tomorrow: eat as much as you can, have as much sex as you can, buy stuff like there’s no tomorrow, it will be gone forever.

 7 01: 19:30 ate 1/3 of bird, housemate was preparing dinner, made comments that she didn’t have much food in the house and had no protein with her meal, I didn’t offer her any chicken, even though she had given me bits of her meals on previous occasions, without asking. She ended up borrowing an egg.

Food

1 2 Then there is a scene an outdoor food tent with lots of pop and food. I thought this is the guy whole stole the money. It started to rain and I left.

 1 48 XXX Second scene was a young guy helping me cook he was very helpful we were in a small apt. kitchen. We were making a meat dish which had 3 chicken legs in it. He is very busy helping me and my friend takes me aside and says the young guy really likes you and he makes the case to me.  I did not realize this and so I go around the corner and kiss him.

 6 8 I then take Annie to my Grandma’s front porch and have her sit so I can get her some food.

 6 9 3:30 a.m.  I was babysitting these three kids (ages 4,6,7).  They decided to get up at 3:30 and make this huge meal (two older ones). They were really rangy and I was trying to get them to go to bed, but I didn’t want to get mad at them.  There were some grandparents there (not sure who) and they were doing the dishes but I wanted them to just leave so I could deal with the kids – get them to bed. The whole thing was rather frustrating but I was calm throughout.

 8 17 I am in Montreal with my elder son and I am looking for a bistro that I know serves excellent food.  I am on a small street that resembles Paris more than Montreal.  We are looking for this incredible bistro and I don’t think we find it.

 11 4 I write a story and the director of a company used it to make a movie. He showed us his office, which was quite messy, littered with papers. Then he let people eat chicken free of charge so the mood was happy. He told me he will be able to make a movie with office staff for only $60,000 but I was disappointed because he didn’t acknowledge it was my story and didn’t let me give the finishing touch to the story.

 11 6 I drop shell of shrimps into water to feed the swimming lobsters in front of the building. The lobsters are nibbling at big chunks of cooked lobster tail without the shell. The water is crystal clear and the feeling is that food is plentiful.

 Dream3: I help carry heavy bags of fruit and vegetables downstairs. Then I feel the weight is lighter and find the bag of vegetables is almost empty. I keep on going downstairs and a man brings a thick stack of vegetables saying that it is what I had dropped. I go to a place. A lady is cooking and says if today is an important day for me she can share some food with me. I said no my birthday is in October so I walk away. Another group of people is getting dinner ready so I tell my husband and we both go to join them for dinner.

 12 1 I also had two dreams of drugs. In one, a shady man standing beneath a tree asked me if I wanted to buy “coke,” so I asked him if he had peyote and mushrooms, and he said, he did. He took me into a house, where they were some men and women sitting around a kitchen table, and in the adjacent room on a sofa, three people were watching TV. One woman had a plate of salad that she was eating. There were extremely large pieces of marijuana that she was eating in the salad, casually. I was surprised at how much there was and how much she was eating and that no one was making a big deal about it.

 1 25 XXX- I am in a room where there is a Asian girl getting ready to go out, first she is plain, drabbily dressed then she goes to a light pink top and skirt.  The refrigerator is almost empty. We are going to be late to a party (I know there will be drugs there) and are driving there. It is me and a guy in the front seat Because of the technological nature (lots of it) of the car if we stop at any time we have to get a hold of one of the other two cars (their driver) and tell him and get it signed off that we stopped.

 3 14 Dream that I was at the Health food store where I work and I was closing and a bunch of people came in the back door and were planning on staying and I was a little frightened of them.

 8 1 go into an old bookstore.  There are very few bookcases and the few that have books are sparsely placed.  I reach for a title of a book on “Archetypes” and as I leaf through the pages, I see that it is beautifully printed.  The style of type is as if it has been handwritten in a simple but elegant calligraphy.  I pick up another book from another shelf called “The Life and Death of Captain Tom Dooley”.  It is a book about a sailor and even without looking in the book, I know what is in it.  The story is about a sailor who drinks too much, loves too much and dies young.

8 6 :  I was leafing through a 1959 catalogue for household items.  I remember looking at kitchen things: dishcloths, towels.

34 : XXXX  Huge desire for food and eating become is big issue. Put on 10 pounds. Can not get on diet, have no control over it. Craving sweets, meat, salty.

16 : XXXX  Nibbling all day. Not eating meals but small amounts continuously.

10 06 : XXXX She felt tired and rushed. She felt very hungry and eat then she felt very nauseated (carry crackers in her purse) as if she was pregnant.

10 07 : XXXX Again she feels very hungry, eats a lot and then feels nauseating. Again eats crackers(carries them in her purse)

Sweets, junk food

1 01: 20:00 eating only a little, but it is junk. Craving sweets.

 1 05: 14:30-ate almost a whole box of crackers and had Coke with ice for the first time in many, many years (I craved it). It reminded me of when I was in high school and used to love having it all the time.

1 24: XX:XX eating lots of sugar (Pumpkin pie, chocolate) and wanting coffee.

1 38: 21:32 craving sugar, had cookies.

1 43: XX:XX craving sugar all day. If I have it I feel the effects (dryness in mouth, slight headache, mucusy) MUCH more than if I have too much sugar. But in this case it happens if I have any sugar, i.e.  a piece of cake or a couple of cookies.

 2 23: XX:XX huge desire for food and eating become is big issue. Put on 10 pounds. Can not get on diet, have no control over it. craving sweets, meat, salty

 7 03: 20:45 ate 2 chocolate muffins and 2 cups of black tea – surprise – I didn’t sleep well that night.

 7 45: 1st day off detox., ravenous, craving sugar

 8 03: XX:XX  I made 3 different kinds of cake/cookies simultaneously.

1 05: 14:30-ate almost a whole box of crackers and had Coke with ice for the first time in many, many years (I craved it). It reminded me of when I was in high school and used to love having it all the time.

 10 06: XX:XX I was really hungry and carried crackers in my purse as if I was pregnant.

10 07: XX:XX Again eating crackers and carrying them in my purse, as if I am pregnant.

 1 24: XX:XX eating lots of sugar (Pumpkin pie, chocolate) and wanting coffee.

8 11: 9:10:  I drink a cup of coffee.  I never drink coffee for breakfast or even have a desire for coffee at home.  Over the past few days, I have drunk about a half a dozen coffees and I enjoy it.

8 XX: XX:XX  During the proving, I have drunk a lot of coffee and forgot on many occasions to record it.  I love tea and make coffee to drink perhaps 2 times a year.

8 14 I am in a Japanese grocery store that is also a café and I am watching a man take a jar of rice that is in the shape of a gourd.  He picks it up and begins shaking it and it makes a beautiful sound.  I tell my husband about them because I want to buy them and he tells me to get them.  I find the box on a bottom shelf of shelving unit and there are about a half a dozen of the gourds in a wooden box.  I am intrigued by them and their beauty.  I take the whole box with these 6 or so rice gourds and as I rise from a crouched position I see on an upper shelf, many strangely twisted shaped chopsticks. They are very long and it seems impossible to use them.  I ask a Japanese elderly woman what are they used for and she tells me that the pair I am holding are specific for rice and the second pair are for rice prepared in a special way.  She tells of a woman friend who is a celebrity who uses a pair of chopsticks that are extremely long and has a long hook at its end.  I marvel at the story of the friend that she could be so dexterous in their use.

Chicken 

1 03: XX:XX- have a craving for chicken (had it twice today)

 7 03: 18:20 made chicken soup, chocolate muffins

 7 01: 19:30 ate 1/3 of bird, housemate was preparing dinner, made comments that she didn’t have much food in the house and had no protein with her meal, I didn’t offer her any chicken… 

Raw meat 

9 25: 20:00 I am at a restaurant and my sister orders Tartar.  It comes with a raw egg on top of a mound of raw hamburger meat.   I shudder looking at it.  My sister offers me a taste and I strangely accept.  The taste is delicious and my sister gives me more and I eat, loving every bite. 

Peas 

8 02: 19:00  Crave small green peas for supper. I eat a whole plate of them and they are so filling (1½ cups). 

Soup 

7 27: Realized that I have been eating a lot of soup recently (very unusual for me)

 7 03: 18:20 made chicken soup, chocolate muffin

Chocolate 

1 24: XX:XX eating lots of sugar (Pumpkin pie, chocolate) and wanting coffee.

 7 03: 20:45 ate 2 chocolate muffins and 2 cups of black tea – surprise – I didn’t sleep well that night. 

Protein 

9 03: 10:30   Hungry for protein. I eat tofu.

Fruit, nuts and seeds 

8 02: 11:00  I am hungry for nuts.  I roast pecans so that they are warm and they taste delicious.  I eat a slice of banana bread only because of the walnuts.

 8 02: XX:XX Craving for nuts, seeds and fruit.

 8 03: XX:XX 13:00 I am grazing on roasted pumpkin seeds.  It would take too long to sit down and prepare a meal to eat it.  Grazing is faster and there is so much urgency to work outside in the garden and gather my food.  I feel hurried and I need to keep moving.

 1 29: XX:XX craving oranges-realize buying lots of them and eating them way more than I usually do, especially this time of year

 8 02: XX:XX  Craving for nuts, seeds and fruit.

Desire to cook and dinner parties

 1 08: XXXX –desire to cook, spent spare time cooking savory foods – lasagna

 2 07: 19:30 - Cooking dinner for my family made a roast and veggies. Smell of meat ok, I could even eat some

 7 01: 18:00 prepared roast chicken dinner (had been craving for a few days)

 7 03: 18:20 made chicken soup, chocolate muffins

 8 06: XX:XX  I made 3 different kinds of cake/cookies simultaneously.  This is the closest I have been to multi-tasking since my accident.

 8 19: XX:XX  I was preparing for a dinner party for 10 and I had to give a talk in Guelph in the afternoon.  I returned from my talk and despite the stress of preparing the food, I was not raveled like normally by the time constraints and the pressure of having so little time to do everything.  The meal is incredible.

Towards the Others

7 04: 18:50 gossiping about co-worker (very unlike me)

8 27: XX:XX  I was given tickets to hear Deepak Chopra at Roy Thompson Hall.  He was charming, smooth and articulate.  His sentences were each like a strand of pearls, flawless, and seamless.  He mesmerized the audience and as I peered from my balcony seat down on the people in the seats close to the stage, I wondered how it was that there were so many people transfixed and holding on his every word.   I felt like I was a witness to a cult and its’ saintly leader.  Deepak Chopra reminded me of my experience that I had when I had visited India and watched Rajneesh in Poona.   Rajneesh had the same charm and was a master at manipulating his audience of followers.

 10 04: I was crying while a man gave flowers to his wife for their anniversary.

Contacts and connections

1 39: 12:00 - a bit teary and weepy after talking to my father. I am feeling really close to him.

 2 15: 8:00 …Rode horse back around the G.C.  forested area with just the guide and myself. I learned a great deal more than if I had been in a big group and made a good connection w the person to whom I was speaking.

 2 16: XX:XX Connected with several Aboriginal (Native American) people on the Hopi Mesa’s and had wonderful talks. Heard many goods stories of their oral tradition and found myself very quite inside as I listened, and I was very interested even thought they took time to tell their stories. I felt very patient with the method of delivery, a different pace from most “city people”. The stories touched me; a few relating to the Katchina, their spirit guides often represented by dolls carved in cotton wood, some relating to ceremony like the basket dance or up coming wedding, some relating to the sadness of personal experience - the alcoholism - the abuse of the residential school system that now no longer exists. Every one kept telling me not to expect much from my visit, Hopi’s are closed and secretive. I have not found this to be so. One on one they are open to talking w me. I feel honored, my heart is lighter for having had this experience of sharing, even thought some of the stories were sad. The connection again!!!

 2 17: 12:30 Seem to be making better contacts with others. I am usually always very friendly, and often over the years people have randomly come up to me to talk to me even about private matters, even though I do not know them. I am a good listener, but there is something I FEEL about a different kind of connection with people, a different level of friendly. I also realize that I am not as tired as I sometimes get when I am with a large group of people. Before taking the remedy, if exposed to a lot of people on going, I would get weary of too many people and have to find quite alone time to recoup my energy, now I do not seem to need to do this. I am enjoying the connections, especially one on one, and energized by the exchange.

 2 20: XXXX - Making wonderful connections with people, really seem to be intuitively connecting w what people want to talk about, where they are at, always felt intuition guided me, but seems more clear now, some how allowing for open friendly connections, people sense this willingness of my attentiveness, my attunement. What am I doing differently or how am I being perceived differently? I am more open to connect, invited to sit down and join people much more than normal and I am not exhausted by it

 4 18: XXXX Have a long discussion about Homeopathy with a pharmaceutical rep. at the reception – normally wouldn’t feel confident enough for this.  Enjoyed the conversation

6 05: 19:30 – Energetic and ready for company. Very sociable.

Looking for contact

6 14: 9:00 Couldn’t answer the phone because the cordless phone was dead. I could hear my husband leaving his message on the answering machine and I was so upset. I started to cry. I felt so helpless and angry at the situation. Felt sorry for myself. I just wanted to talk to him so badly. My head hurt more with the crying – I had to stop, too painful(10/10).

 7 04: 8:50 called Aunt in England – haven’t spoken to her in 6 months

 7 11: 18:00 went out to Oktoberfest party, talked to more people than I normally would

 7 12: 20:45 went to party only knowing 2 people, normally would stick with them, preferring not to socialize. I felt much more confident, speaking to a number of people.

 7 5 a group of guys I know were horsing around at someone’s house. One of them was playing practical jokes on everyone. Later, to get him back, they sent him downstairs to get more beer. They know that he is afraid of the dark (I don’t know if he actually is), they turned the light off while he was down there. He was terrified, and runs back upstairs. They say it happened accidentally. The partying carries on, something happens that makes him go back downstairs again. He knows that it’s a set up and that the light will go off again. He braces himself, the light goes off, he races down there, gets what they need and comes back up. He is fine.

9 01: 17:00 I was approaching a woman who I was convinced was using sign language. Then when I got close enough to see hear her I saw that she wasn’t signing at all. 5- 10 minutes later on the subway 2 women were sitting across from me signing back and forth for real this time. The experience was odd and so I thought it had to do with the proving.

Terrorists, revolutionaries

9  04, 05: XX:XX The weekend of the same week I took the remedy seemed to be rich with the theme of revolutionary – fight heroically against the “man” type films that I saw, like The Weatherman Underground. I also had my laptop stolen, with quite a dramatic chase of the perpetrators going on around me as I waited to make the police report.

 (Prover 8 had this dream:  Images of children of all nationalities wearing warrior masks are parading around me.  They do not provoke any harm but I feel their pain and struggle of social and economic barriers.)

 4 6 Dream of killing -tried to kill a boy from terrorist group, by knife.

Old boyfriend

 1 15 XXX I thought I should call Ed (old boyfriend) he is now in town and then I started thinking about him.

 8 10 My dreams seem to have a theme of old and new with things old, people from the past dominating.  Even the dreams that I have forgotten are about people from the past and somehow they are here now.

 6 11 Something about an ex-boyfriend but it was all-confusing and I lost it as soon as I woke up.

 6 12 My ex-boyfriend (7 years ago), has come to see me.

 10 36 Dreamt she was at a party with her old boyfriend and he was looking for his son.  He looked older in the dream.

8 4 :  There is an outdoor party and people are lounging around.  I suggest that we play a game and we are making our way across a vast distance so that we can play a game that is like baseball and something else.

 8 5: I was on a boat with many people.  I felt the swaying of the boat and felt the people were false friends.

8 7 I am at my uncles’ house as I remember it when I was a little girl.  I am watching a young teenage girl with pity because she is married to an old man.  She is cleaning and preparing food all the while she is doing her tasks, my aunt is watching her and correcting her mistakes.  My aunt is her mother-in-law.  It seems strange that my aunt is the mother-in-law and is also the mother of this girl and the wife of her husband.  In the dream, I am filled with pity and sadness for this young girl’s destiny and fate.

Presence of someone or something touching or crowding

2 31 Dream on waking of a man standing in shadow, front facing silhouette back light, facing me, long coat, wide flat brim hat, can not see facial details, feel ominous, foreboding?

1 32: 2:30 someone stood very close to me and I got a real feeling of being crowded more so than usual. I usual back away when someone comes too close, but this action made me mad and I noticed it.

 2 02: 12:00 – 12:40 during walk woods, delusion I’m surrounded by many people looking at me, crowded feeling, sensation of oppression, accompanied by tight feeling in esophagus.

 2 03: 15:45 - while driving, delusion that someone is grasping my right hand as if to help me stand up. Feel warm finger around right hand.

With the Environment

Mistakes in time

1 01: XXXX everything seems like it is going slower- doing things, walking, thinking, but things are still getting done

 1 26: XX:XX Time is passing quickly

 8 05: XX:XX  I have 2 hours of free time before my next appointment.  I am aware of how slow time is.  I have a few errands that must be done in this time and there is so much time left over.  I drive to far corners of the city and I am surprised that I take routes that are unfamiliar to me.  I drive these routes as if I know them.  (Usually I will take the path that is familiar and the one that I am accustomed to.)

8 05: 13:27 I look at the car clock and notice that the time is 13:28.  I look a few seconds later and the time is 13:27.   When I first glanced at the time, I had calculated the number of minutes before my next appointment and when looking a second time, I had gained a minute.  I am convinced that time is moving in reverse and I have an abundance of time.

 8 16: 20:00   I am watching the clock and it is moving so slow.  Minutes seem as if they are hours.  I am in my Hungarian language class and I am hungry and we are talking about food and tea and coffee and my hunger is worst.  Each time I look at the clock, only a minute passes yet it feels like many minutes.

 8 25: 14:20    I have made the trip in record time and I am astonished that I even have extra time.  I am completely convinced that time is moving slower on my clock.  I arrive in London and make a turn to save time and I get lost and then I find my way again.  By fate I arrive at the University and find the parking lot.

2 21 a crystal ball, or crystal shape, of some kind, w a flaw, or cloud, in it that makes me constantly move my head so that I can get the right angle to see clearly, or focus, on the other side. Looking in I am able to see others clearly for who they really are in the ball, but when I look around it I can not make out the people faces, they are not their, like the artwork of the green apple in front of the businessman face in that dream of the painting, but I am not sure what is in front of the faces that prevent s me from seeing. Afterward realize it is as if looking at a person through a bottom of a glass as when taking a drink where the head is blurred by the curve of the glass and the body is in focus in the center of the glass.

Falling into the sky

2 05: XXXX - Seeing shapes moving – dashing in peripheral vision, can’t really make the out. May be only on right, can’t be certain

 2 16: 19:45 Stopped on the side of the road in the desert to look at the stars, safely pulled off onto trail entrance w put flasher on and turned off lights. In my normal state I could look at the stars, and the various constellations, for a long time, especially when it is so clear as I miss the stars as there is so much light pollution now were we live. When I stopped to look up at these many stars I was an normal awestruck and felt wonder, then this feeling was quickly replaced by a sensation of falling except UP into the stars, up into the sky, I felt fear. I felt if I stayed there too long, looking up I might go up and get lost in looking at the sky, while my concentration was up my body might be unprotected I felt fear something might come from the surrounding dessert from the side, out of my awareness and ?? attack me?? Not sure, but I know I did not enjoy this experience as I normally would have and left quickly

6 03: XX:XX That day and a few of us that were living in the house decide to explore upstairs (huge house).  We were squashed downstairs and then we find this huge upstairs with a large master bedroom, however the bed took up the whole room (huge).  Then I went and opened a glass sliding door on the other side of the main room and there were 4 of my classmates from CCNM lying in the sun on a porch there. I was confused and annoyed that they were there but even more confused and annoyed that we didn’t know about this part of the house sooner when we were living in crowded conditions before.

Losing way

 2 02: XXXX Loose way on well or fairly well know streets, even though I have a compass on my dash

 2 15: 11:30 while visiting the Grand Canyon (G. C) turned the wrong way and drove for a long time before realizing it

 3 11: XXXX While driving missed my exit on the highway – didn’t even see the sign and I drive there all the time.  Then made a wrong turn just trying to get back.  Although I do not have a good sense of direction to begin with it I had no sense of direction today!

 4 XX: XX:XX Lost in roads, no sense of directions, calm, then lost

 3 2 XXX Dream of trying to get somewhere in my car.  Have directions but they stop at a certain point and now I’m lost.  Annoyed because I’m going to a farm and the directions go on and on about the horses there but don’t tell me how to get there.  End up calling my sister who has a better set of directions and I get them from her.

Blue and orange colors

 1 29: XX:XX craving oranges-realize buying lots of them and eating them way more than I usually do, especially this time of year

 2 02: 6:10 BM foul smell like cooked lamb meat, and orange-yellow color, formed but looser than normal. No reason for color change as no change in diet

 2 04: XX:XX Generally attracted to blue colors, find I am wearing blue more since beginning of proving, light to cyan blues and Navy

 2 14: 14:30 While shopping had to exercise great restraint to keep from buying pottery that was a beautiful teal blue slip contracting w the warm orange - redness of the terracotta. I had a very intense feeling of attraction to these colors. I have always liked good color combinations, these being complementary, but I am overly attracted and want to buy several pieces for myself and well as for others as gifts.

 2 14: XXXX While hiking fascinated by the ORANGE against the BLUE of the sky in the Sedona park area we are in. Seem to be more attracted to the teal and blue terracotta pottery made by the Lakota, Sioux aboriginal artist

 2 15:17:00 – 18:00 Sunset photos of G.C.  w polarized lens had great contrast of orange - redness of rocks and blueness of sky, very intense feeling of attraction to these two colors

 7 04: 20:50 called dealer for information to buy a car, didn’t feel comfortable with him, will buy from brother-in-law dealer, first choice of color: dark blue, second: light blue

 7 25: XX:XX Went to ski show to buy used ski boots at ski swap. Also ended up buying the boots, color red, new skis with bindings, poles, gloves and a ski suit, mainly dark blue with some lighter blue accents. . The brand name is ‘spider’. It has numerous spiders on the jacket, and webbing going up the zipper. It kind of freaked me out, but I still bought it. Having buyer’s remorse about the jacket.

 9 01:15:30 I was attracted to this color blue – a bright deep blue- that was a backing for the 2nd Cup advertisements. The day after the coalescing meeting, when I looked to see what this backing really was, I saw the advert was for 2nd Cup’s vanilla bean latte.

Bees and wasps

 1 13: 12:30 stung by a wasp!! I was putting on some pants and felt a sharp sting not once but three times before I had a chance to take my pants off.  The wasp was hiding in my pants. I was stung on my right calf. Got very agitated after I was stung. Husband stood their stunned and I barked instructions at him (when I was 15 I carried an Epi-pen for bee stings as I was allergic) afraid I would have an allergic reaction.  Put first baking soda, then rubbed garlic on it, then put arnica on it.

 7 47: XX:XX On the way back I was cycling through a wooded area and suddenly a number of wasps were around me, they just seemed to appear, they were only around me for a few seconds then disappeared. I hadn’t thought anything about it. Also with the leaves falling off the trees I had made a mental note that I was seeing quite a few hornets’ nests in trees.

 8 XX: XXXX  During the proving, I got stung by a small bee and didn’t pay any attention to it and therefore didn’t record this.

 10 03:XX:XX My daughter was bit by a bee during the day on her leg and it swelled up right away as well.

 10 16: XX:XX Bees (2) inside the house and hard time to get out of house.  And next day there was another bee coming inside and hard time to get it out. And Afternoon same thing 2 bees came inside the house and hanging inside house and do want to leave house.

Animals

 4 6 Dream about wolfs.

 5 7 something about mice I think? I see a terrier in this dream and felt like I’d like one (this is true).

 8 9 As soon as I lay down and closed my eyes, I see strange images of an oversized and fat dog bouncing a ball from his belly and head.  The ball goes up high and he bounces it again. Next image is of a girl who is throwing something in the air and again it goes even higher.

 Next image is of a bald headed monkey who is doing something silly.

 I watch these images go by and I am not moved or changed by them.

 8 16 I see all kinds of bird beaks that transform into different bugs

 9 The second night after taking the remedy I had a dream I was at a trailhead of bright green grass at the foot of a forest. Suddenly I noticed a young moose calf, at least that’s what I made it out to be, a few feet from me. Then this orangey-brown orangutan like creature came from the right side just behind me and put its long arm close to my shoulder but didn’t quite touch me. I turned toward the trail and a zebra-horse like animal was in front of the trail. It moved out of the way and I went on my hike.

Animals aside my visio

 2 29: XX:XX Upon walking or while in motion, as while driving in a car, Delusion as if some one, or an animal such as a deer in woods, is ahead, directly in center of my vision, as if they stand there, and as I focus on them they move quickly out of field of my vision. At the beginning of proving this occurred in peripheral vision NOW in center of visual field

 2 05:1800 - While driving delusion that I see a squirrel run over at an intersection on the street to my right

Cars and stealing

 1 2 I was staying with my friend Julie overnight at her place in a queen bed one of two. Next scene was her in a store (I am at a fair distance) with her two sons and daughter (she doesn’t have a daughter). They are all well dressed (boys ties and jackets and girl dress).  She disciplined her son  and he was not happy then she comforted him. I thought how nice what a good mother. When I woke up the next day and I went home, I saw a street car in an accident with a car as I came up the hill I saw that someone had taken the car contents away, then I saw boxes in a garage and I go through them with others all the time thinking this was stolen. I was afraid the bad guys were coming. Afraid they would see my fingerprints on the stuff, I see a grey plastic cash box, it was empty I think someone got to it first.  Then there is a scene an outdoor food tent with lots of pop and food. I thought this is the guy who stole the money. It started to rain and I left.

 2 1 = many people crammed into one vehicle. Like a fraternity trial, see how many will fit in a car?

 3 2 XXX Dream of waiting for friend with my Dad in a coffee shop.  I could see my car parked down the street.  I saw 2 people breaking into my car and realized it was my friend and another person.  Ran out to catch them but they got away.  They had taken my wallet and my cell phone.  I was really angry, saw her later and she didn’t know that I knew and I didn’t say anything to her about it.

 4 6 Dream of robbers (clairvoyance?) 2 man and 2 woman come to my house to take something from me.

 4 16 Dream: three cars cannot use single one.

 4  16 Dream came to night club half an hour before , park and then children (gypsy) came for money and I was sending them out, during I was cleaning the car, throwing away cherry pits and where was some money a little bit, couple of dollars so the girl picked it up, like I did not want to give it but I did anyways, so felt very good

 5 8 . Had passed a car on the road which looked like my parents’ car but wasn’t them – the car started following me to try to harm me – I faked going one way to try and lose him but had a hard time losing him – kept playing out different options of where to drive to try to get away – very scared.

 6 4 Going to get a ride from a neighbor with a truck. He backed into another neighbors’ driveway to get gas.  I was just confused by it all.

“Horror movies”

dream: a group of ‘friends’ (I don’t actually know them) and I were outside in terrible weather with nowhere to go. One of them knew of this empty house where we could stay. So we got inside and stayed for a while. Things felt really creepy. One of us got separated from the rest and later was found dead. We all ran from the house and later heard that they found the people responsible and been locked away. So the same guy suggested that we go back to the same house, which we did. I felt something wasn’t right and finally figured out that it wasn’t the people arrested that were responsible for the dead of our friend, but the house, and the person that kept bringing us back was actually part of the house. Once I realized this we all panicked and tried to leave, then realizing that we had again lost one of our friends. After some effort we got out and were about to run when we saw our friend in the upstairs window. They were trying to get out, but couldn’t. We called to them frantically and told them what to do to get out. After what seemed ages, they were finally able to get the window open and jumped. The house was furious, the boy that lead us there was still inside. The house killed him.

9 That night (about 3 am) had a dream that I was with a small crowd of people and we were all attacked by bats flying at our heads.

Death people, corps and graveyards

 5 3 in a graveyard/spooky shed setting being told a story about how a boy had been killed/died in this shed – doll replicas of the people who had dies were here – there was a woman/witch doing a talk was drawing devil symbols on one doll (to try and wake the devil?) and he did – woman who had almost been tempted by devil before was being tempted again and was going to be killed (K think that it was me though didn’t look like me) but was saved when my dad came by and made everyone go golfing rather than the ritual.

8 6 I am conversing with someone about my husbands’ nephew (who died in a motorbike accident.)  I am talking about when he died.  I am saying that he died exactly one hour after buying his new bike.

 4 21 Dream of coming home and see a lots of corps under bridge after some kind of accident happened

Work

Like a squirrel

3 03: XXXX  Had a really busy day didn’t notice any symptoms

 3 17: XXXX Had a very busy day, didn’t get a chance to eat

 10 24: XX:XX Very busy but feel better and in control.

 8 04: XX:XX  I am working in the garden and feel that others should help me.  I am resentful that no one is helping.

8 03: XX:XX  Scurry is my activity.  I feel that my body is tiny and I can accomplish a lot. I am like a squirrel or a chipmunk hurrying and scurrying. I want to clean floors and all kinds of areas in the house that normally do not concern me about their cleanliness.  I refinished a piece of furniture and there were tiny bits of wax fallen on the deck floor.  It bothers me to see the dirt and the wax on the floor.  I meticulously wash the deck floor using steel wool to remove the smallest trace of dirt or wax.  I washed the floor a second time to be thorough.

 8 03: 13:00 I am grazing on roasted pumpkin seeds.  It would take too long to sit down and prepare a meal to eat it. Grazing is faster and there is so much urgency to work outside in the garden and gather my food.  I feel hurried and I need to keep moving.

Desire to clean/organize/work efficiently or disorganized/inefficient

 2 12: XXXX Packed way too much. Was told by friends in Flagstaff that it was near freezing at night, but it they experienced a heat wave when I got there. I normally an efficient in my packing, this time brought WAY too much!!!

 3 08: XX:XX - I am leaving soon on a business trip and feel as if I am just not getting as much accomplished, not as efficient, or organized

 4 X: XX:XX Re-organized whole house, threw away any garbage related things.

 6 02: XX:XX Desire to clean the house, much more clean than normal. I did a thorough cleaning of the kitchen – every cupboard, washed the outside of the cupboards – insane

 6 08: XX:XX Time is a weird thing. When I have been out doing errands – I feel like I can accomplish a lot, but I feel like I am not getting anywhere with my business. I almost feel like I am in a fog about all of it. Normally I am so good at this stuff – I usually enjoy organizing things like this.

 7 07: 12:00-18:30 at work (health shop) working more efficiently

 7 20: XX:XX More cleaning

 7 40: XX:XX Was supposed to go to friend’s, she called at last minute to cancel, got really annoyed as I could have stayed at work to help out as they were short staffed

 7 47: XX:XX generally, I did housework more frequently including those aspects that I have been avoiding for some time, i.e.  hand washing sweaters, sorting out papers, etc. (normally I hate housework). I cleaned and also tidied on a regular basis (no set time each day) early in the proving, and at times went a bit to extremes. Early on, I felt I was able to think more logically and work more efficiently. Unfortunately, it was only for short periods of time.

 8 02: XX:XX  Everywhere I look, I can see cleaning needing to be done but, I don’t do anything.

 8 03: XX:XX I can’t believe how much I have accomplished in such a short time.    When I look at the clock, I am startled to see that so little time has passed.  Yesterday, I accomplished the impossible.  I had finished my newsletter quickly and within a very short period of time.

 8 03: XX:XX  I am putting things away as soon as I use them.  I want order and tidiness.  As I work, the words, toil, toil come to mind.  I toil quickly and do my tasks as efficiently as possible.

 8 04: XX:XX  I feel like I have to clean all the time.  Nothing can be missed.  I am completely immersed in my cleaning.  It gives complete fulfillment.

 8 04: XX:XX   I have such an urgency for work that I do not take the time to record my dreams.  By the time I sat down to record the dream, it was gone.

 8 05: XX:XX  Over the past days, I have noticed that I do not have time to drink tea in the afternoon.  It feels like a waste of time.

 8 06: XX:XX  I wake up lazy and after eating breakfast, I am brought to life. Urgency to finish all my preparation and cleaning for my open house at the clinic.

 8 06: 11:45  I talk to a friend on the phone.  I have no time to talk and I tell her, I must get back to my cleaning.

 8 06: XX:XX  I made 3 different kinds of cake/cookies simultaneously.  This is the closest I have been to multi-tasking since my accident.

 8 07: XX:XX I am preparing for the Open House and I need to clean the sunroom where the talks are taking place.  I finish the organization and cleaning of the room in record time.  My ability to multi-task is easy and I have so much more time to do more.

 8 10: XX:XX  I have deadlines and managed to make them.  Life feels like it has switched again and I am efficient and there is a flow.  I am to accomplish the impossible.

Non-compassionate

8 12: 10:50: I make calls that I have postponed and procrastinated about for the past week. I call the insurance company who always fills me with dread.  The call is made with none of this feeling.  It is a casual call and I am prepared to ask for what I want without anticipating the confrontational responses that normally come from the insurance adjustors.  The call goes easy and the adjustor is co-operative, apologetic, compassionate and concerned about my welfare.  He discloses personal information about his previous job as a nurse and that he has experienced colon cancer. I am surprised by his personal revelations and I am caught wondering about his motives and his sincerity.  He takes a long time to close the conversation and I am feeling myself to be impatient and I am counting the seconds under my breath.

8 13: XX:XX  I am talking with colleagues and family of the wedding party and it dawns on me that complaining of topics that is worthy of complaining is exhausting.  I realize that complaining is tiring and is a way of procrastinating and not doing creative work.  I am more drawn to begin my book project, more than ever before.  I spend time thinking about the details of the book that I want to write.

8 18: 9:30 My 9:30 patient is late and arrives 35 minutes late.  This is her first time to the clinic and she got disoriented.  I finish the appointment on time despite her lateness.

 8 14: XX:XX  I overhear my sister say that she is tired of serving and cleaning.  (Normally, my sister is energetic and very robust and does much to make life comfortable for those around her. Every time my sister visits me, she voluntarily cleans my house, sweeping floors, washing dishes and cleaning everything.)   I automatically begin to tidy and clean her home.  I use the vacuum to clean the carpets and dining room.  Although, I spent 6 hours driving during the day, I am able to continue helping to bring order and cleaning the dishes from dinner and helping with the kids.

 8 16: 9:00 I begin cleaning the debris and dead leaves from the indoor plants.

 8 19: XX:XX  I was preparing for a dinner party for 10 and I had to give a talk in Guelph in the afternoon.  I returned from my talk and despite the stress of preparing the food, I was not raveled like normally by the time constraints and the pressure of having so little time to do everything.  The meal is incredible.

 8 XX: XX:XX Another symptom resulting from my car crash has been my inability to multitask and for the past years I am an Uni-tasker.   Since the proving, this has improved dramatically.  I am able to keep several tasks in mind and not feel over whelmed or forgetful.

10 13: XX:XX Tired but not as exhausted.  More disorganized than usual.

Childhood

8 12: 16:25:  Ever since a child, I have had a phobia and horrible fear of snakes.  The thought of a snake can cause me to shake and tremble.  I am bicycling on a gravel road and during a 15-minute period I see 3 dead garter snakes on the road. My reaction is of sadness for the poor little snakes and a momentary thought perhaps there maybe others.  There are no reactions of fear and dread to the snakes and I continue cycling.

Male Sexuality

Female Sexuality

Sexual male genitals

 1 16 XXX- two dreams- can’t remember but the first one had sex in it. Think it was about former boyfriend felt like a continuation of night before.

 5 3 Was flirting with a couple of guys by offering them water.

 5 8 I have a pimple in the middle of my forehead (in real life) – in my dream I tried to squeeze it but what came out of the pimple was an actual size penis – in my dream I just thought that it looked exactly like a penis and wished that I had thought to hang on to it to show people how strange that was – once it was out there was a bit of a crater in my forehead because it was so big but it closed up with cold water like a regular pimple.

 10 7 Sexual dream about male genitals and crazy things.  That is all I remember.  I was thinking that I may be proving (male sperm).

1 48 XXX Second scene was a young guy helping me cook he was very helpful we were in a small apt. kitchen. We were making a meat dish which had 3 chicken legs in it. He is very busy helping me and my friend takes me aside and says the young guy really likes you and he makes the case to me.  I did not realize this and so I go around the corner and kiss him.

2 XX: XXXX after extraction meeting- Increased sexual drive, but thought it was related to my partner and I traveling a lot and being away from each other.

 4 04 : XXXX  Sexual desire increase.

 8 08 :XXXX  Dream: An erotic dream of sex with my husband. A most pleasurable dream.

 10 07 : XXXX  Thinks of pregnancy , as if pregnant. She also urinates often and a lot of urine ( bladder, liver , kidney affected).

Dream: Sexual dream about male genitals and crazy things. That is all she remembers. 

Intellectual

Absent minded and not sharp

 1 26: XXX not sharp intellect, feel like a slug, feeling flat

 1 28: 11:00 realized I totally forgot I had a computer-training seminar yesterday. It totally blanked from my mind. I don’t do this usually. I usually remember at the last moment. I may have done this twice in my life.

 2 07: XX:XX - My nephew, who I take care of, asked me if I was ok as I was “more blond than usual”.  I think he meant ditzy, or absentminded? We were shopping and running errands most of the afternoon

 2 33: XX:XX Realize I have been listening to Santana Album, the song ,“Leave your lights on”. Over this proving I have been leaving lights on at my home accidentally, in my car, usually try to be environmentally conscious and turn them off. Since starting the proving I have been leaving a full spectrum light on in the living/dining area 24/7 that I usually use only as winter days become shorter and exposure to sunlight is less. Also been leaving turn signal light on in car and forgetting to turn it off especially when changing to left lane

 10 02: 8:00 a.m.  Had a little coffee this morning – slept very well (9 hours) – much better than usual -- still feel foggy --- not so sharp.

 10 04: I ended up missing one of the teacher’s meetings. (at a parent’s night for daughter) Feel not collected. Scatterbrain

Redundant reiteration

 2 12 -19:XXXX Repeating phrases word for word: I observe that I have been repeating the same phrase at the end of a statement as what I start a statement with when I am formulating my point at the beginning of a statement. I thought back over last few days I realize I have been doing this since at least Day 12, possibly before, but did not clue into pattern until I was in the shower this morning - then it became clear. Example: the sky is blue…statement…the sky is blue. A real life example: I was speaking with some one about teaching my nieces and nephews to drive. I said, “My father taught me to give large transport trucks lots of room because they need plenty of space to start and stop due to their size and the weight they carry.” Described some thing about teaching the kids to drive…then said again, “so the kids know me to give large transport trucks lots of room because they need plenty of space to start and stop.”

 Seems to be redundant reiteration, this is not my normal state

10 08: XX:XX Confused and difficult finding information on (computer) screen.