Understanding Positronium

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo M.D., F.F.Hom. (Lon.) et al

He is someone who has turned himself into stone; meaning he became extremely rational and unfeeling. Provers got astonished due to a complete absence of affection, caring and love for their friends, partners, and relatives.

Normally my delight is in music, colors, art, poetry, and all that is associated with right brain activity or the female side. Now it is quite the opposite. I read avidly, watch science programs on TV, listen to radio serious talks and enjoy mind-teasing games. 

Many symptoms are describing how he became detached, distant, and unfeeling. 

On the top of it, there´s this observation from a prover, that says:

I saw what looks like the interior of the body - tubes and canals with junction-like joins, almost like an interior motorway.  

But, why?

Why has someone turn himself into stone?

Why he became so indifferent?

Why did he have to shut up himself that way?

I feel compacted and heavy; actually, I have put on nearly a stone since the beginning of the proving. It's as if I were buried underground with masses of compacted stone pressing down on me. I can't move almost! I feel like stone inside. My face feels stone-like - no expression or vivacity my heart is a stone - unmoved and silent. I do not feel either cruel or kind - only unmoved and unresponsive, few feelings, they have not moved for five days or so. My whole body has a stony quality it doesn't bend. 

Positronium also doesn’t want to look inside himself. But if he dares to look, he admits that there is only a nothingness inside. He compares this emptiness as if he has a hollow body, or a black hole, were all his sufferings and fears where hidden. But he doesn’t want to look, it’s something he wants to leave hidden inside even from himself. He doesn’t want to point the searchlight in that direction.

This hollowness is followed by an absence of emotion.” It was like there was nothing there inside me”, the prover says.

The absence of emotion is linked - by the other provers symptoms- to a strong detached feeling toward the others. He likes to be alone and quiet; everyone is boring and flat.

I feel like stone inside. My face feels stone-like - no expression or vivacity my heart is a stone - unmoved and silent. I do not feel either cruel or kind - only unmoved and unresponsive, few feelings, they have not moved for five days or so. My whole body has a stony quality it doesn't bend. (…)

He became insensible and extremely rational. He also became blunt and rude.

Everything seems so easy, especially truths and being honest to the depths. This is a very strong and empowering feeling for me. I seem to have become even more blunt and outspoken than usual, no patience with niceties, or stepping round the bush.  

Altogether with this sensation of hollowness, a group of symptoms stands up in our study:

He feels dirty, old, repulsive, “a tramp-woman”, “I feel very ashamed of all the bad things I have ever done or said. I feel like people can see through what's on the surface to this horrible person underneath”.

When connected, the two groups of symptoms – the horrible things that he doesn’t want to see inside and now the horrible person underneath – they are only one and the same. But what horrible person is he? Which things he had done to be judge for?

Joining the same group, he perceives himself as someone covered with feces, being indelicate and rude – a monster.

Dream of bursting and ending up with a pile of shit. 

Dreams: I was sleeping with lots of people in a big hall. All on the floor higgled piggery and I farted several times. People complained and I felt awful. 

(…) I saw a green wheelie bin with a discarded orange toy baby Frankenstein. I thought he was only a toy, but he opened his eyes and looked at me. He screamed. It was clear he thought that I was a monster.  

 Dreams: I get into a bath with a female housemate and as we chat, I do a poo, which I then feel ashamed about. I try to put the turds down the plughole, and put lots of soap in, she’s quite stoical but complains about the soap. I feel invasive, can't understand why I've done it. She gets out of the bath and is not happy with me.  

What has Positronium hidden inside? Why does he feel that he doesn’t want to look? What kind of monster is he?

Positronium feels as he was “wholly evil and I doesn’t care”. He feels pleasure hurting someone else.

 I'm wholly evil and I don't care. 

 Feeling evil and malevolent. Feel as if it would be a pleasure to hurt people and things. 

 (…) I had felt a sense of malevolence and evil, as an entity or a devil inside. I felt hatred and resentment to all who are close to me, in fact to the whole world. Nothing was pure, bright and clean anymore - all tarnished, decayed and impure. I hated the whole of mankind; all God's works were ill made and ill done. (…)

So, mankind is the one to be blamed of. He held responsible all human beings for turned upside down all the beauty of life, all God’s creation into something rotten, destroyed, violent, surrounded by mud and dirt. Even the ones responsible for God’s words are to be accused.

Dream that I was going to the toilet and among the shit were worms about an inch and a half long they were metallic and perhaps mechanical and they were in threes writhing around each other. Later another dream in which I went to urinate and all that came out was drops of blood followed by the same worms, in threes and writhing viciously.  

 Dream that one of my children's friends came to play and passed two enormous piles of shit on the lawn, which I then had to shovel up. I was a bit miffed.  

 Dreams: I was sleeping with lots of people in a big hall. All on the floor higgled piggery and I farted several times. People complained and I felt awful. 

Dreams: I was busy, involved in some group thing, either at a fete, market, or something. I notice a man I recognize. He was a vicar that I had felt attracted to some years back called Peter Stone. I was pleased to see him, I hugged him. He said, "You still fancy me, don't you?" I Said "You're the Devil, you have got devilment in your eyes." I was looking right into his eyes. I felt it was a menacing look. I tried to pull away, but his arms were wrapped around me twice, I struggled and got free. 

Positronium hates mankind and to survive he sent away all his feelings of love, compassion, friendship, and care. But how can someone live without being attached to someone else, married, hanging around, chatting?

Positronium loves nature, wants to preserve it but now he wants to be left alone, quiet, he wants to move to a desert island. He is very strong in his purposes; he has a jacket with a dragon broidered in it. Or, as a despairing solution, leaving life away.

Typing up some AIDS nosode cases and then watching TV I was completely overwhelmed by the sadness of life. Boxed into an impossible position I really don't want to be part of this sadness. Nothingness would be a thousand times better. I went to bed weeping and reciting the mantra I just want to die. I just want to die.  

So, our remedy has got into a puzzle. He had suffered due to his extreme sensitiveness and empathy for the world, but now, to defend himself, Positronium has become a cold stone. Accusing his human mates of having turn the world into a dirt and muddy place, performing only evil things to the world, - he became completely distant to everyone else and, for his turn, distant of the feelings of Love that unite all creatures; he is empty inside.

He has become cold, rational, distant and strong.

The absence of love, of feelings toward the others, of sympathy, caring, turned him into someone Evil inside, cold and rational.

Is rationality and power ever associated to unfeeling and evil doings?

He knows that he had become someone hard and distant, and he don’t care.

But he knows, deep inside, that this is the way towards evil doings and evil things. 

We associate coldness and rationality to torture, to atomic bombs, to concentration camps and, present in the symptoms, a complete distance and careless toward the others.

Sex without love, perverted longings, even a vigilante personality can be associated to his way of feeling.

Now we know why is afraid to look inside: there’s nothing left of his own humanity, there is only hollowness and nothingness. And in this empty space all evil things will reside; is deep inside him were Evil took shelter.

One day, long ago, Positronium felt an “elfin humor”, happy and childish. He has loved life and people.

Feeling like a gnome-woman now with my fluffy boots. Wanting to wear brown clothes, deep belly laughs, good humor, able to laugh and joke at myself.

Flashes of elfin humor and wanting to play games with my daughter. Alternately focused and serious, then playful.  

Feeling glad and happy to be myself in this body, in this space, in this family, in this relationship, in this world - it all feels very good indeed - very empowered and content and grateful and warm inside.  

Everything seemed beautiful, including the people - wanted to share it and be nice and love people, not for any gain. 

Dreams: It was just about kindness. Like a big circular tube. Inside the circular tube everything was completely white, and I was just walking through it and it was just kindness. It was ice-creamy, cloudy just this sort of softness and it was just so starkly different from the feelings that I had had the day before.  

But as he turned himself into a distant and rational grown up, his conscience of what has become of the gnomes, fairies, and elves – they have been destroyed along with forests, rivers and the seas - has being changed into coldness, distance and indifference. 

He hates and fears people, afraid of their violence and inconsequence. He wants to be apart and distant and, to overcome his feelings, he turns himself into stone.

Groups in Positronium

From Misha Norland’s Proving

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo M.D., F.F.Hom. (Lon.)

Humor

Laugh, joking, elfin humor.

 Feeling like a gnome-woman now with my fluffy boots. Wanting to wear brown clothes, deep belly laughs, good humour, able to laugh and joke at myself.

 Flashes of elfin humor and wanting to play games with my daughter. Alternately focused and serious, then playful.  

A feeling of immense weight and safety in myself - a feeling of incredible peace and serenity. 

Feeling very mellow, relaxed and safe inside myself. 

Feeling of being grounded and in myself today. Delight in food, smells, drinks. 

 Good feeling in the group, lots of laughter. Feeling relaxed and at ease with group members. 

In spite of having zilch money, I have absolutely no worries. In fact I feel in a very blessed state, grateful and happy for all that I have been given.  

Everything is going right.  

I have noticed today how I am able to sit and be calm and still. I note this because it is such a contrast to the feelings of anxiety/apprehension that I've felt last month no feeling of anxiety just calmness. I feel it is really important to be open and honest at the moment. I was discussing a difficult issue with a friend and it felt really good to be honest and say exactly how I felt. Times before when we've discussed this particular issue I've felt quite awkward and that it was difficult to be so honest. 

 I feel that my sense of humor has returned - thank God, I felt like I'd lost it. Everything seems fine - I feel good, happy, like I've got energy. But this is more balanced than a few weeks up when I felt like jumping around.  

 Very mellow and relaxed with partner.  

 Generally moody for a number of days now. Sometimes feeling very irritable and intolerant, other times feeling very caring and forgiving, at one with the universe, etc.  

 Noted that around 13.00 that mood got very buoyant and jovial, realized that this had been the pattern each day since taking the remedy. 

Feeling glad and happy to be my self in this body, in this space, in this family, in this relationship, in this world - it all feels very good indeed - very empowered and content and grateful and warm inside.  

 Everything seemed beautiful, including the people - wanted to share it and be nice and love people, not for any gain. 

Dreams: It was just about kindness. Like a big circular tube. Inside the circular tube everything was completely white and I was just walking through it and it was just kindness. It was ice-creamy, cloudy just this sort of softness and it was just so starkly different from the feelings that I had had the day before.  

     Feel quite happy to sit quietly and bide my time. No strong turbulent stuff inside. No impulse to do anything. Could this be stubbornness? Maybe things are at a stuck and immobile place. A sort of incomprehensible situation, which I feel, I must sit with and endure. Endurance and patience seem to be the keywords to understanding this state. No sense of hurry, fluster, movement etc. Just a slow and enduring forbearance combined with an inability to force things in one direction or another. I feel like a mountain standing through all weathers, times and tides and rooted deep, deep into the dark earth. 

     Desire to pamper myself. (deleitar)

 

Quietness

 

 I am aware of the caverns of dark silence inside and they are deep, still and full of living mystery.  

 I want to keep still and quiet.  

 Not wanting to talk.  

 No sense of rushing, urgency, etc., but a need to say and do things right, in the right order, in the right way. Speaking out for myself in a very solid but non-aggressive way. Even able to do this in a humorous way. At times during the day fell into a pool of quietness, when I do not wish to speak, a warm, safe stillness. There seems to be a rhythm to my moods, they move gently and in the shape of a soft, smooth wave-like motion rather than being jerky, jagged and difficult.  

     Find I can listen to difficult and personally challenging stuff from my partner without reacting angrily. It goes in, I feel it, and digest it, and then it is released. 

     Feeling alternately jovial and good humored and serious. This feels fine.  

     No worries even when the car broke down and I had to tow it, a job I usually feel quite terrified to do, I was completely unfazed, and although slightly nervous, I accomplished this with ease. 

     Woke up happy and full of energy, calm and quiet. 

     I seem to be quieter in myself and more observing. 

     Afternoon at the surgery doing the healing. Feeling soft inside but strong too. No feelings of rancor or resentment. Still sad and also bomb-blasted by the events of the day. 

     Serene, calm, balanced, grounded.  

     At first I thought the remedy had no effect. Then, as we sat quietly, it was as though my mind went empty. I felt very calm, all the excitement had gone.  

     The calm feeling continued while I was driving back to where I was staying. Was aware that I was in this calm and quiet state and realized I needed to concentrate on my driving.  

     When friends talk to me and get worked up over things, I stand there thinking, "God, what are they becoming so worked up for". It's like they're talking really quickly and I feel like I'm being really calm. It' seems better to take things at this slow relaxed pace. I feel laid back, mellow. This is unusual for me (usually a bit more anxious and nervy). I just don't seem to be worrying about things like finding another job and money - I feel like I should be.  

     Had a major argument with my wife. It was the sort of situation where I felt in the right and would normally have shut myself off from her probably for several days, and this was my immediate impulse. However, I did not get drawn into that sort of feeling and just let it go. Firm in myself but not vindictive or even hurt. Very unusual. 

     Received a couple of E-Mails that were critical of me (unfairly). I would normally be quite angry, but instead I was only hurt and my actions were directed at mollifying the situation rather than fighting back.  

 I have been told that I seem irritable. I don't feel it. I just feel that I want to be quiet and left alone. I don't want anybody to make a fuss. I just want to be peaceful.  

 

Irritable

 

 During day, tired, restless, irritable, felt put upon. Worse as day progressed.  

 Felt irritable in evening - daughter's sleepover party, then had to pick up son, and drop daughter's friend off home - while husband watching Match of the Day upstairs! He was helpful earlier on in the evening, but I guess it all got on top of me. Came back from picking up son in a filthy mood! There was a group of people helping with party, obviously knew each other well, women all dressed in same way with 'Rachel' hairdos, and one man shouting across the room about football, to a guy dressed in black polo with gold chain on! The house was designer, 

 matching curtains/walls etc., and I just felt it was so oppressive. They were so superficial. Really loud and brochy, couldn't wait to get out.  

     Got a parking ticket for first time, all these negative vibes I'm putting out! I got given two tickets, two days running. 

     Very irritable and intolerant of others. Critical. "I know best" attitude. Defensive, judgmental, ungenerous. 

     A real connection with my anger and irritation, which does not feel in anyway too volatile or out of control, off but is tightly controlled and feels very empowering. Anger and brooding resentment have just ceased to exist altogether. When I feel provoked I respond strongly and congruently, but in no way does it feel over the top. I do not feel in any way afraid or ashamed of anger or irritation. 

     I have been irritable today - with members of my family, notably my grandmother. I'd just be lashing out at her off with things she said, this is not totally unusual. But I've noticed over last week was so we're not getting on well. I wish she'd be clear and say what she once rather than hinting at things. I wish she wouldn't keep interfering in the kennels and keep doing things, which are not her responsibility, or doing things it wasn't agreed she'd it.  

     Didn't realize just how flat and negative I felt and was behaving; all came to a head during tutorial. It actually felt like I was in a courtroom.  

     My feeling is I haven't had a good day. I don't feel on top of things - they are on top of me.  

     Mood heavy and drained.  

     Bouts of feeling miserable, vulnerable and close to tears for no reason. 

     Afternoon /evening feeling very irritable with the kids, just like before I need a constitutional!  

     I said I was having a bad time, and because he perceived me as being aggressive, criticizing, he backed off, couldn't handle it, and keeps his distance instead of being supportive. He said it was a load of mumbo jumbo, I said you could call it what you like, but couldn't you deal with the result of the thing, which is that I was feeling bad. No, he finds me very irritating. Always leaving a mess in the kitchen, I said a few bits of paper on the top are not terrible. He can't bear a mess, letters left. I said you should go into other people's homes, their tops are covered. I think this is pretty reasonable, I don't think it's so bad. But he thinks its unacceptable therefore that's what goes. I think it's awful to leave stuff in the washing up bowl sitting in cold water overnight, instead of leaving it to soak with warm water and squeegee, but that doesn't count. 

 

Manic, euphoric

 

Completely manic for 36 hours. Felt crazy, ridiculous, and full of energy and excitement but it was very exhausting. 

     I have also been laughing more and at ridiculous things. 

     This evening while writing my diary I noticed the apprehension had returned, with the tight feeling in my chest. I felt like I wanted to explode. It is like if I did there would be this sudden outpouring of energy, but it can't come out, it feels stuck. Momentarily I felt like crying and I realized I couldn't because it too felt stuck. I have felt similar to this before. Usually however the tears come out. This time it feels like everything's stuck (sensation felt by tight feeling in my chest). It's like I'm unable to express anything. 

     Sometimes when I sit down I feel like I want to get up and race about. It's like having loads of energy that I don't know how to use or what to do with.  

     Yesterday I went to the gym and did an hour's workout on the aerobic machines and weight machines. I felt really glowing and good afterwards. My sex drive has come back to! Today I feel no stiffness or pain at all - just a feeling of being really awake and present in my body. It's a really good feeling. Also I have cut out all junk food - crisps, chocolate biscuits, etc. and that feels good as well.  

     I seem to have come out of the stone coffin, have no more of these crushing feelings, can feel and move. I'm back to being alive in myself again, the break with my partner was healed. I went to the gym and had a fitness and health screening, prior to starting some aerobic and body-toning training. It was really great to realize that I was in such good health - blood pressure low to normal, heart rate low, flexibility and strength excellent (by their measurements) and even my lung capacity measurements were good! This definitely relieved the fears I had had over the past few weeks that were of imminent death and disease! I felt motivated and energized, but not obsessed. I have never been to a gym before, but was really looking forward to being committed to my physical body in a different and more real way. (Curative symptom?)

 

Anxiety, restlessness

 

     Anxious, scared and restless, hard to sit still. Felt as if he would explode in a building society waiting in a queue. Felt trapped but decided to stay, the queue seemed to take ages. Looked at watch loads today, feeling anticipatory, conscious of time, fear of being late, anxious of time.

     Quite restless during day and irritable. 

     Very restless during night.  

     Slight impatience that drivers don't get a move on. 

     Mood changing - impatient and quite argumentative. 

      Had a period of 24 hours during which 1 was incredibly anxious, (anxiety in my body, not a mental thing really).  

     I noticed when I got up that the restless feeling started to come, like I didn't know what to do with myself and that I'd spend the whole day pacing about getting more and more worked up. I did not notice the tight feeling in my chest. I did feel quite lonely. I decided that I could not spend another day in this state and I made myself sit down quietly with something to occupy my mind. I have been neglecting to write my working journal so I did that. It was a good choice I noticed that this time of being reflective really helped. I felt quiet and calm again. It was such a relief and such a contrast to be able to sit quietly. I even managed to sit quietly and do nothing.  

     Partner still strangely remote and cut off from me. I have tried over the past few days to draw her out and encourage her to speak, but it hasn't worked. So hard to make a choice between spending time with her or with the kids. Suddenly she started accusing me. I felt a wave of sadness sweep over me and through me. I started to cry. I went into the bathroom to cry - it felt safe. Surprised that I connected so quickly with my tears and sadness.  

 There's a dizzy sensation in my head and the thought of sadness, which somehow I can't contact in my feelings. I don't know what it's about or why. I wish that I could cry, but I can't. There's a searchlight in a tall tower in my head, and when I try to reach down into the earth inside me I can't feel clearly, only a sticky, muddy, sludge with none of the clarity and intensity of feelings that is normal and healthy. I wish I could cry and there is a small lump in my throat, but there is something so stuck inside that I can't find the tears. All feels still and quiet and unmoving, not rocky or hard but gunged up. 

 

Anger

 

     Anger and irritation, not about anything specific. A growing feeling of anger and vexation. Felt like breaking plates, but I went into the kitchen, jumped up and down angrily, then growled and shouted for a few minutes. Then saw the humor of it and started to laugh. Concerned about all this Iraqi stuff and all the sabre rattling and threats. I don't want any fighting. I don't want people to get hurt. I don't want war. 

     All my frustration boiled over and I totally lost my temper, got very hot and angry about this stalemate with my partner.  

     Woke up with grumbling irritation, developing into impatience, then later in to a grumpy mood. Concomitant to this a bad, jammed up feeling in left neck and shoulder and base of skull. 

 Shouting and growling and stamping relieved some of the anger symptoms, and light massage relieved neck. After release I felt a lightheaded dizziness in my head for a couple of minutes, then anger was gone, along with most of the stiffness. Now, 15.40 pains in back lower left lung, dull and constant. Anger had boiled up into frenzy, but I was not totally involved in it, it was more like being wound up on a spring, then there was neck pain then release.  

     Woke angry - everyone else had got up early!  

     Wanted to shove some girl's face in the soup at work - normally I would have ignored her. 

     He was burgled before coming away for the course at the weekend; although his room wasn't entered another person lost their computer, on which he had all his homoeopathic work. He felt susceptible, wants to sell some of his equipment, feels they might come back (someone mentioned this to him and this has worried him a lot). He feels vulnerable. At 10:00pm the fear hit him, he felt he would like to kill the people (burglars) if they came near him, felt very violent towards them.  

     Daughter drops a plate, I'm instantly furious, and shout a lot. What a fuss I make over one plate, I feel anger, even after it should all be over - holding on to it, I'm on such a short fuse and I'm aware that I'm a miserable bitch - I'm lacking enjoyment at the moment. Everything is such a chore I feel like I need a change from it all. Can't even muster up any tears.  

     Partner says I'm aggressive and offhand. He's just sabotaged my plans for making sure there's enough milk for breakfast.  

     Very angry. Fury and indignation at yesterday's meeting with tutor. Wanting to tell everybody how I felt. Trembling in anger (inside). 

     Felt very odd all day. Saw a friend and, again was very indignant and furious in relating Saturday's events to her. Trembling with fury (inside). 

     A little better, more focused during day and by evening actually felt angry for the first time since taking the remedy - feels like a return of some feeling. I get the impression that the effects of the proving are beginning to reach a conclusion.

 

Impatient

 

     I went into a nearby town; it was market day, nowhere to park. I felt really impatient at not being able to find a space. My impatience has been building for couple of days now. I thought this woman was going to move her car, she didn't she just sat in it. I wanted to get out and throttle her, I imagined myself doing it. 

     Wanted to shout twice during silence, to shock? To disrupt? Just felt like it? 

 

Feeling flat and bored

 

    Depressed and low, empty feeling at some point during the day, for no reason.  

     As before I am sleeping long but feeling constantly tired and sluggish. I feel flat and uninspired unenthusiastic, lazy, and like I can't even really begin to describe how I feel due to feeling so "can't be bothered". 

     I feel like I've lost my energy, like I've got no buzz. This is all part of my feeling flat. I have felt quite spaced out today at times. Like I'm not really totally involved in what's going. I feel better when I am engaged in conversation with people.  

     Still feel flat - I get things done but have to push myself. 

     Back to stable and centered place, except yesterday when I felt flat and bored for about three hours. A walk - a long one - relieved this. 

     Felt really despondent this morning. Didn't bother to get out of bed, though I was awake, until 11 am. There just didn't seem any point. 

    Felt depressed about his current relationship. Wants to just watch TV and read.  

     I must get some commitment to this proving. I'm disappointed with it, can't be bothered, think, "Oh fuck this".  

     Sit on my own to eat, feeling sad, want to cry but can't seem to muster it up. The emotion seems to stick in my throat. 

     Feeling sad, morose, lack motivation, feel flat, and feel lonely. Toss diary to one side. I'm not going to bother with 

With Oneself

Solid, strong

A sense of solidity.  

     Still feeling compact and solid.  

     I feel solid now. "Stone" keeps repeating for me.  

     I feel that if I don't actually move my body, it will turn to stone, it will seize up and lose the power of movement and flexibility. I feel dry inside, as if there were no juice or moisture inside. 

     I feel compacted and heavy; actually I have put on nearly a stone since the beginning of the proving. It's as if I were buried underground with masses of compacted stone pressing down on me. I can't move almost! I feel like stone inside. My face feels stone-like - no expression or vivacity my heart is a stone - unmoved and silent. I do not feel either cruel or kind - only unmoved and unresponsive, few feelings, they have not moved for five days or so. My whole body has a stony quality it doesn't bend. There have been twinges of pain in knees, hips, feet, right toe and right hand, especially the little finger - mostly early morning. Sex is impossible now, as I feel no movement of desire towards my partner we have tried to make love but there is no feeling or desire in me at all. This has been worrying for my partner, but I just didn't seem to care at all. 

     Woke feeling as if I had been turned to stone.  

     Sense of inner body reality stronger than what is outside. 

     Able to negotiate with tutor over an issue, which had been on my mind. Felt strong but not pushy or over-assertive. No sense of worry or anxiety over this, just an inner knowing that it would be fine and would all get sorted out step by step.

     Went to couples counseling with my partner. Felt very strong and solid in my feelings.       Still feeling very connected to my feelings, thoughts and physical self. 

Confidence, awareness

     Very safe and secure in spite of the fact that difficult stuff was coming up in the session. 

     I feel valued and precious. I feel very centered and connected to all parts of myself. 

     A very strong awareness of my central power and center of gravity. 

     It feels like I am being showered with gifts and abundance from a wonderfully fertile and nourishing universe. I know that I deserve this abundance. Something in me has unlocked the tightness in my chest - the fear of lack has gone. I am not afraid and feel that I am showered with gifts and that God takes delight in giving me presents - just like Christmas Eve and waiting for the gifts on Christmas Day. I feel once again so safe, secure and strong inside. It feels that there is nothing that can shake me away from myself. I can hold the world in my heart and love it, expand to pour myself into the world - open my whole self to let all in. It's a fertile feeling - like life itself is making love to me! 

    Felt less antagonistic with myself. 

    The overwhelming feeling of this remedy has been on one hand one of calm, focused, and centered self-awareness. I have felt confident; sure of myself and clear about getting on with what I want to do. I have lost all sense of anxiety almost to the extent that I do not know the meaning of the word.  

     I was in this complete sort of doubled up, like in a torture chamber of pain and I couldn't see anything or connect with anything. And then, there was this incredible shift, it was like, Oh, I popped back in.

     Linked to this has been intense laziness and desire to be self-indulgent. I have said to my partner on several occasions "I want it all my own way". I have also become introverted in the sense that I want to get on with what I want to do and do not have any great interest in talking to other people. I have had no desire to go out for the sake of entertainment, although I do feel the desire to indulge myself. All in all I have felt very self-contained. (There was one occasion where I reverted to the manic state I felt before taking the remedy and a couple of times where I have been overcome by intense and unfocussed anxiety, these states have lasted up to 36 hours and then completely disappeared).  

 Was aware of driving home flawlessly.  

 Feel motivated to get things done, but not mechanically or obsessively. A sense of order and proportion in things.  

  Feelings very present determined and centered. I feel totally in myself. A very good feeling. Keep feeling very much in touch with nature, animals, the world, they are within me, I in them, a feeling of no separation to the same substance and energy. This has made me even more acutely aware of the insides of people and things. I can acutely sense the truth, even if what is said is something different. I have had this for a while, but it is much stronger and more sure and infallible than before. It makes me impatient with falsehood, deception or lack of clarity. 

     Everything seems so easy, especially truths and being honest to the depths. This is a very strong and empowering feeling for me. I seem to have become even more blunt and outspoken than usual, no patience with niceties, or stepping round the bush.  

     Mind very defined and very clear not rational so much as clear. Feels like air and fire are working very much together to empower me. Earth is organized and structured in me, and water is empathetic and very in tune with others. A strong feeling of balance inside. Very safe and very secure. No fluffiness or ill definition. Very decisive and sure of what I need or don't need right now. 

     Today I feel that I can perfectly understand where she is hurting, but also understand that I do not need to enter into useless and petty arguments. It felt good and strong to walk away from the anger. I did not need to be attacked or accused, but I did not need to respond angrily either.

     Good insight and intuition about my own stuff, but also about others. Feeling very able to follow my intuition even though some of it sounds funny or suspect. No problems taking risks, acting decisively on hunches, no fear about this. 

     Not so disorientated as before.  

     Can't tolerate anything that doesn't suit me - liberating! 

     My mind seems to be quite clear - it is as though I have been able to rationally think through a concern that I was frustrated and felt emotional and anxious about before the weekend. Feel like I can see this particular concern more clearly like I understand what is going on and I know what I'm going to do about it. I have chosen not to become frustrated. Usually I would get really anxious about something like this. 

     I feel like I've come back from wherever it is that I've been. I feel like I've got more of a grip on what's going on. I don't feel as lost. I feel ready to take action and move on - be active and do things. (whether I will or not I don't know but the feeling is there.) I don't know why this has happened I think having the opportunity to talk about my low self-confidence and my difficulties with homeopathy in general today with a friend has really helped. This afternoon and this evening I felt compelled to do my work. Things seem clearer. It was like having a sudden surge of activity after weeks of nothingness. 

     Very aware of my body in Tai chi. Very conscious of where my energy is and whether it is directed internally or externally. 

     A strange awareness of my body, 3-dimensional. I was aware of each part of my body not as it related to me or even to other parts of my body, but purely as each part was in a 3 dimensional space. I would normally be aware of my nose as on my face but was aware of my nose for its own independent, spatial existence.  

Avoiding contact

     I have been locked away within myself for most of the day. At one point I felt so far inside myself that I wasn't sure where I was. It's a bit scary being aware of feeling that far removed on one hand but also wanting my space.

     I seem to want to avoid contact with people. I can listen but can't seem to engage in conversation. It's as if I have nothing to say to people - when normally I love a chat and can make conversation with all these people readily. The phone is not ringing, no one has rung me and I don't feel inclined to ring anyone. I feel hard done by, neglected. This feels so strange because I have always been critical of people who play these stupid games of waiting for people to ring them. I've always been a believer in the theory that you get out of life what you put in and that if you don't reach out to people and make the moves sometimes, then you won't receive back. It doesn't occur to me that people may have problems of their own - I am centered in myself - but I can't seem to get out of it. What's more, I dig my heels in and refuse to ring anybody.  

     Feel tearful and emotional around 6.00 p.m.  Comes on and off out of the blue. I feel abused and used by my children - as if they are draining me. They take everything - I feel very taken for granted. I sit and tell my eldest son how I am feeling. I don't feel I'm getting any sympathy or understanding. I tell my daughter now, I'm more cross about it now. I get the same lack of sympathy - my response is to say 'you don't have to treat me like a slave'. I don't know where that came from. It was a spontaneous response and it surprised me. I seem to want to let them know that I do things out of love for them but at the moment it feels very one-sided. I decide I will set up a Rota for them all to help with things. They don't mind but I know it's going to be an effort to set up and run. 

     I couldn't seem to stop finding fault and myself nagging. My husband and children remained quite happy and laughed at me. They pointed out that they have had a great weekend without any agro, so why was I trying to change it. This pulled me up and made me think, I wasn't getting through with my negativity, their calm positive energy was too powerful, so I just stopped my nagging and gave in. It was so strange, I was aware I was observing the situation and noticing the difference between them and me and I had been unable to stop myself initially. 

     Aversion to company. Aversion to talking. Self centered, wanting to be inside extrovert rather than sociable and myself.

Lonely, isolated

     Feeling very jovial and good humored last night. I went to a bar with my partner to meet a good friend whom I had not seen for some months. After chatting for some time, the friend saw a close friend of hers and ended up chatting to her for of an hour. I felt completely ignored slighted and angry. I said goodbye very curtly and left the pub with my partner. The whole situation stayed with me all evening, and I was aware of a steady, smouldering anger in my guts, feelings of being ignored.  

     I feel very locked inside myself - as if in a prison. It is dark and hard, and very silent. I feel isolated, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not afraid or upset, that's just how it is.  

     I am alone and that is a bonus. I have my own space, my own time. I am totally inside myself - no interest in anyone else or anything else. I feel that I have become a hermit in a cave of stone. I do not want to speak or reach out to anyone or anything. Feelings are exhausted, or maybe even dead. They are not there inside me. I can't remember ever feeling (or not feeling?) like this before. I expect I did feel like this some time in my life, a total lack of response to anything like being already dead. It's not numbness or even indifference, just a complete lack of reaction, as if I were a machine or a stone - a massive block of stone. 

     Today I feel lonely and sad like my life has no meaning at all, has no love in it, that I am really unable to love or to feel anything at all except this heavy and crushing isolation that is pushing down on me - as if I were buried alive under ground. 

     I wish that I could say that I still love her, but I can't, as I didn't feel able to love, and I can't feel love or peace moving inside me at all - there is just a bitter, dry isolation and lack of trust - no movement and no softness just the sensation of being apart from everyone, and totally and utterly alone. 

      Want to be a hermit, completely alone. Want to get out of myself. 

     Underneath a mountain, chained in this prison.

     He rang his girlfriend, he found she was very tired and dreamy, and wouldn't communicate. He felt really odd, and says there is a lot of "can't speak" in this remedy, he is being quiet. But also feels frustrated that he can't communicate with others, feels in a very isolated state. 

     Energy better after a truthful sharing with partner, it's a struggle to tell the truth. I feel trapped if I can't talk to her.  

     Phoned nine homoeopaths, none are available, I feel let down, disappointed. 

     I'm pissed off with the proving and the lack of support, no homoeopaths available to see me. 

     Home for lunch, feel lonely coming into empty house. 

     In Church that aura that I've been experiencing is still present. Nobody seems to want to talk to me. No conversation is taking place with people. Our usual vicar is not present; my anxiety about the reading is instantly reduced by this discovery by 50%. The reading goes well, I'm much calmer and in control that I've been for years. 

     I've definitely got an uncommunicative air about me.  

     At a party delusion that I am friendless. Can't make the effort. 

     Dreams: I was with a group of people; think it was to do with homoeopathy. I had to do some photocopying. I couldn't get it right. I went off into another room to file things away. I was getting quite anxious about not being able to do it quickly enough. By the time I returned to the room where the rest of the group was they had all gone, I didn't know where but I knew I had been left alone.  

     Dreams: I was in a homeopathy class. I had to leave during the morning. I went to this place, which was meant to be a place where I had once worked for a long time but it looked nothing like it. I met up with some people who I should have known because I used to work with them but I didn't recognize any of them. I was in a room with a group of them and felt really left, uncomfortable and awkward. I knew I didn't belong there.  

     Dreams: In a pub sitting at a bar, groups of men come in and leave again. Initially I feel fear, and then I see that they are all right. Some old absent friends are sleeping in a pub with me, I feel let down excluded, not involved with the conversion.  

     One evening before I went to bed I was sitting alone and quiet. I felt like I could see into the center of myself. It was like looking onto a circular shape, which then went down a long way; the color is grey and black. It was like this contained all my despair, difficulties and deep depression (which I have experienced in the past). It is all my black stuff, I remember I didn't want to dwell on it for too long or look too far down because it scared me a bit and I didn't want to know what else I might see there. Many years go I remember associating depression with being at the bottom of a black hole. This was slightly different because the overwhelming feeling associated with this was a feeling of nothingness and being incredibly empty. It was like there was nothing there inside me. I think I felt scared to look further because of the absence of emotion - numbness of feeling (very unusual for me) associated with this. The same night I had a dream about a T S Eliot poem, which includes The Hollow Men. I was asking a friend to explain what the poem meant. I had studied this at school for A-level but never really understood it. 

 Connected the poem with how I felt the previous evening, felt hollow like there was nothing there. 

     Dreams: Desperately trying not to miss a train in the station. I run very fast. A girl in the dream rejects me; I have to creep along a high walkway with huge drops below to get to the train.  

Ugly body

     I looked down at my body and it looked old - the flesh sagging over the bones - I didn't realize this was a clear delusion until I arrived at school and thought about it. 

     For the first time in my life the skin on my hands feels dry and old. I am old.  

     Really loathed my body.  

     Felt really fat and repulsive, didn't want partner to look at me or touch me. 

     Imagined tongue was disintegrating. 

     I noticed that I am aware of and deeply disgusted by the grossness of physical things especially bodies, my own and those of others, and yet I can be transported by physical beauty.  

     Dreams: I was on holiday with my partner in Spain. I saw a map of the place. We had only three days left.  Partner had disappeared, I learnt, into a room, which changed into whatever the occupant wanted. But there was not one for me. I looked at the map to decide what to do. There was a wild area with mountains and herons. I decided to set off walking. Suddenly I was a tramp-woman, dressed in old, dirt clothes, and my hair grey and matted. I was about 65 years old. I had nowhere to stay. I was tired. I went into a house. There seemed to be no one there. Then I realized there was someone in the toilet. I waited. An old woman came out of the toilet. She said, "No, no, you can't stay here!" I fell on my knees crying and begging her to let me stay. She relented. In the dream I really felt the sensation of crying.  

     Dreams: Two young children were standing near a wall and their arms shrank back in to their bodies until their arms were very short. I couldn't see any hands. They showed no emotions. The baby who was also in the dream was OK. A man fed it from a disembodied breast. He held the baby and held the nipple for the baby to latch on to.  

     Dreams: Wearing unattractive clothing climbing rocks. These rocks covered a very large area. Had some moss growing on them and very little foot or handholds. My mother was climbing up in front of me and looked very ungainly. 

(deselegante)

     Dreams: That I had auburn armpit hair 2-3ft long growing very straight, like curtains down to my waist it was very glossy and I thought it was rather wonderful though I realized that others probably didn't share my admiration for it. 

     Dreamt we were going out, and Mum went out to get a new dress and didn't tell me - I was left wearing old dress, and I wasn't ready, then Mum slipped on the floor, and I called out 'must get her some arnica', and woke up.  

     Dreams: I am in a hotel room trying to find some clothes to wear but they are all too small. There is no privacy and people are coming in and crowding me.  

      I feel very ashamed of all the bad things I have ever done or said. I feel like people can see through what's on the surface to this horrible person underneath. 

Dirt and shit

     Dreams: Toilets were full of shit and I got some on my skirt when I went to the toilet.

     Dream of bursting and ending up with a pile of shit.  

     Dream of going around a house and ending up in a huge auditorium waiting to see some pigs. 

     Dreams: Working in a hospital as a nurse, my grandfather a patient. Diagnosed by Dr as intestinal blockage (after some time of not knowing what was wrong) He had come to the hospital initially because he fell down stairs and I reckoned that was how it had happened - he'd got tangled in the fall. I was puzzling over what remedy would untangle his guts. 

     Dreamt we went to live in Israel, sharing a flat with another family I know from school, pleased with myself for being organized quicker than she, although I'm aware that I don't have language problems and she does. Only one bathroom in the flat, wonder how we'll manage!  

     Dream of a pub in a remote North Wales farmyard. Warm light shone out over the cobbled yard covered in cows hit. A car drew up in the car park outside the farm gate - a customer. The farmer transforms from being a dour cowman to a genial landlord.  

     I have been having dreams about trying to find toilets with privacy. Last night I was trying to find a toilet with privacy but for my partner as well as for myself.  

     Powerful dreams of dirt, infection and shit. Several with this strong theme but no details. 

     Dream that I was going to the toilet and among the shit were worms about an inch and a half long they were metallic and perhaps mechanical and they were in threes writhing around each other. Later another dream in which I went to urinate and all that came out was drops of blood followed by the same worms, in threes and writhing viciously.  

     Dream that one of my children's friends came to play and passed two enormous piles of shit on the lawn, which I then had to shovel up. I was a bit miffed.  

     Dreams: I was sleeping with lots of people in a big hall. All on the floor higgledy piggledy and I farted several times. People complained and I felt awful. 

     Powerful dreams of dirt, infection and shit. Several with this strong theme but no details. 

     Dreams: I went to London. I met a child for a cup of tea in the canteen. There was nowhere to sit and we walked on until we found ourselves in unfamiliar streets. We went into an amazing shop, which was quite weird and full of strange sculptures. I thought the sculptures, which were all gothic, would be hard and stone-like, but when I touched one it was all soft like wool. I was in a mental hospital trying to find my way home. Then I wandered out and saw an acquaintance. She took me to the house of a friend of hers who was a mechanic. He was half Asian and very funny.  When I entered he grabbed hold of me, tickled me and we were teetering on a seesaw plank. We were both laughing uproariously. I saw he was wearing a most unusual brooch in pale mauve. It was a broach of three workingmen - one had a shovel, one a pick - there was sculptural quality about this brooch. I had a bath in this man's apartment, which was very small and cramped and mean looking. I wanted to go to the toilet but it kept overflowing with shit all over the room. I came out and got in my car and tried to go down the street. It was a one-way street; a host of buses honked their horns at me. I got out, got on a bus and went down Lower Carlyle Road for a long way. I was carrying two bags and a spear. I kept asking how to get out of London, getting directions. Then I got off the bus and realized I'd have to catch a bus back, in order to get my car. I saw a green wheelie bin with a discarded orange toy baby Frankenstein. I thought he was only a toy, but he opened his eyes and looked at me. He screamed. It was clear he thought that I was a monster.  

Cleanness

     Concerned personal cleanliness - rare! Wanted to be clean and well presented.  

     On waking put on make up - unusual! Felt more feminine - more girlie. 

     Materialistic (more than usual) re: clothes, appearance. Redecorating. 

Evil and Devil

     I'm wholly evil and I don't care. 

     Feeling evil and malevolent. Feel as if it would be a pleasure to hurt people and things. 

     Feel I've got the devil inside me.  

      The devil has got hold of me and is squeezing the living daylights out of me. 

     Resentful against life itself. 

     I antidote the proving remedy yesterday. Took a Sulphur 200 dose then today another Sulphur 200. The last few days before antedating have been pretty bad and low but with no feeling of depression. I had felt a sense of malevolence and evil, as an entity or a devil inside. I felt hatred and resentment to all who are close to me, in fact to the whole world. Nothing was pure, bright and clean any more - all tarnished, decayed and impure. I hated the whole of mankind; all God's works were ill made and ill done. Concomitant to these feelings, sickness in the stomach - a nausea and wobbly feeling in the stomach. No feeling for anything or anyone just couldn't be bothered. Music made things better, as did doing small practical tasks, like cooking/driving, etc. 

 A sensation of being crushed under a massive weight - a sense of a solid, stony mountain above me, and I was walled up inside a little stone-lined, cold tomb. Such a long lot of coldness, running in shivers through me - hands and feet eternally cold, especially at night in bed, when I couldn't get warm. The image of all my life juice and flow being squeezed dry in a Devil's fist. I felt dry and desiccated - pains in my joints - hands, wrists, elbows, hips and knees. Two mornings ago I could hardly get out of bed, my back (sacrum-iliac joint) was so painful. Three nights ago I dreamt that I lost the silver-headed pin of my hairgrip I had to put my hand down the toilet in all the muck and shit in order to try and find it. I remember the sense of disgust and nausea at having to do this. Things in the relationship with my partner have been bad, not explosive, but really I had a couldn't care less attitude - I couldn't be bothered to relate, to talk, to communicate, it wasn't worth the effort.  

     Feel worried that the proving is not showing up the dark side of the remedy. Torn between disappointments that it will have been a waste of time and again a feeling of selfishness that I want people to suffer. 

     Dreams: I was busy, involved in some group thing, either at a fete, market or something. I notice a man I recognize. He was a vicar that I had felt attracted to some years back called Peter Stone. I was pleased to see him, I hugged him. He said, "You still fancy me, don't you?" I Said "You're the Devil, you have got devilment in your eyes." I was looking right into his eyes. I felt it was a menacing look. I tried to pull away, but his arms were wrapped around me twice, I struggled and got free. 

     Strange dream involving good and bad spirits who kept interchanging roles. They were able to fly, as I was. Set in a very large building with animals in it. Like an aviary. 

     Horrible dreams last night. A budgie in a cage turned into an evil dwarf samurai that kills children. Somehow I let him escape and had to go and find a friend to help me catch him.  

Being a slob

     Feel like a real slob.

   Partner remarked that I was sitting like a slob.  

   Went to a seminar and probably spoke more than I should have. I did not have the "pompous ass" feeling I usually have about myself. Whether this is a good thing or not I do not know.  

     I feel depleted, futile, like giving up the whole struggle. Just doesn't feel worth it any more. Trying to do and be my best and now it seems that nothing has any value. I feel devalued and useless, like I never had any real value at all as a person, but only as a mother. Some role I'm supposed to have accepted without question and come up to the mark on all criteria. 

     Conflict between daughter and partner. I feel totally powerless to do anything. The feeling of being pulled in two. A heavy powerless feeling where I cannot feel what I want. Just feel resigned and heavy. 

      Came over very tired, yawning and a bit depressed and vulnerable. 

     Felt that I was a horrible person and that I failed to live up to people's expectations in work, friendship, and relationships. Felt everyone hated me and got paranoid that they were making references about me, ambiguous comments that I interpreted as criticisms. 

     Dreams: I'd met up with a friend who I usually go out for a drink with. She was with this guy who she said she'd prefer to spend more time socializing with and how great it would be. In the dream I felt really upset, it was like anxiety and that she preferred his company to mine.  

     Dreams: Loads of people going into a big building. There's a huge dance floor with grey and white checked floor and grey marble pillars. We all go up lots of stairs and out into the open air. Lots of trees around, big walled garden - eating out in the open. Loads of tables, beautifully laid up - waiters everywhere, a band, the waiters seat people. I'm with my sister-in-law and a member of our group. The table we go to is not beautifully laid up and the food is being dished up on to the table - not plates. I'm hungry - my sister-in-law is inviting me to eat, but I'm conscious that I'm not booked to eat. More people come to the table, there's not enough room, a few black people come over, it gets a bit heated over whose seat is whose. Feeling of 'we mustn't be prejudice' - there is no room and they might think we're being prejudiced'. I tell my sister-in-law "Don't stand for this, demand another table".  

     When I found out my parents would be here for the evening I went back to Oxford. I desperately needed some space and to get away. On the way to Oxford I felt like getting drunk and when I got there I did. Went out with friends for part of evening, my mood really changed, felt really up. I needed to get drunk. I drank my usual 2 pints of alcohol for whole evening in the space of one hour. My friends went on elsewhere, I went home, didn't want to, or want to be on my own.  Phoned another friend. Strangely I kept on drinking, I just wanted more and more just to get as pissed as I could. It was like I didn't care what happened. Usually I worry about throwing up. I almost carried on drinking to see what oblivion was like; I stopped before I reached this point. 

     I had an incredibly strong and powerful vision, much stronger and clearer than any meditative experience that I have had in the past. It was a dark nighttime scene on a street in East London, I don't know why I am sure of the area but not the place but I am. It was raining and wet and very dark. The wet darkness had a plastic quality and was certainly much more than just the absence of light. I was in a car but I was also an observer. It was as if there was a time delay and I was watching that which was about to happen to me, I was both observer and participant. The car I was driving crashed into the cars in front and crashed (rather than exploded) into total oblivion.  This vision was very real and I found it to be truly terrifying. It has haunted me since. 

Illness

     I couldn't sleep. I was worrying about my health, about my heart and kidneys. I did some pathology and disease yesterday. But somewhere I'm worried that I may be seriously ill. Last night while lying in bed, I saw myself dead and decaying. I thought of my cat's body, buried in the garden, now all wormy and decayed. Felt the inevitability of death, felt the breath of death on my neck. It was a reality, the struggle to stay alive in extremis. 

     Last night I just wished that I could die and had the belief that I really would, that I was seriously ill with a brain tumor or kidney or heart disease. 

Loathing of life

     I had a feeling of utter and total suicidal despair. This has been a common symptom for me especially recently but this was more a flash of the complete experience and understanding of that state rather than the usual ongoing participation in it.  

     Walking past a tray with cutlery in it I felt a powerful impulse to pick up a knife and thrust it right into my heart. Such an impulse is not particularly new, but the idea of using a knife is.  

     Typing up some AIDS nosode cases and then watching TV I was completely overwhelmed by the sadness of life. Boxed into an impossible position I really don't want to be part of this sadness. Nothingness would be a thousand times better. I went to bed weeping and reciting the mantra I just want to die. I just want to die.  

     Woke up writing a poem about death being my lover. Comparing the her sweet kiss to a lover's kiss that turns sour. The earthy taste of her other lips that are a portal to the sweet comfort of the grave, rather than a source of the pain of life and the sweet waters of Lethe suckled at her smooth cold breast. 

Failure

     Dreams: Feeling I was doing something and feel a failure.

     Dreams: In a weird music exam with many others. Teacher hits notes in sequences and we have to write them down, I can't do it, I'm a long way behind, hear bits but not others. Get further behind and out of touch. Feel frustrated, seat and weep, its and over-whelming disaster. We're in a conveyor-belt type line which gets closer to the teacher, others are finished and sit easily in front of me. I'm crying openly and in a terrible state. Teacher is unaffected by my plight.

     Dreams: I get into a bath with a female house-mate and as we chat I do a poo, which I then feel ashamed about. I try to put the turds down the plug hole, and put lots of soap in, She's quite stoical but complains about the soap. I feel invasive, can't understand why I've done it. She gets out of the bath and is not happy with me.  

     Dream - of being turned down by 1st girlfriend when I asked her out. 

     Dreams: In an oral exam with 3 examiners who are informal an procrastinate. We all eat then drink. I worry about my memory, after all it was 6 years ago that I did all the work, and I want to go back to it.  We meet in a closed down old shop, upstairs.  

     Dreams: Visiting boss's house, he's not in. Its dark. Someone arrives, I hide in the grass hoping I wont be seen. I've done something wrong.  

     Dreams: I'm dressed up and performing in front of people - it feels like a works do. Felt very insecure about it all, I felt I didn't fit in, I didn't have all the stuff I should have and yet I'd spent ages getting it all together, wasn't confident in what I was doing.  

 Dreams :I was at a seminar in a large country house. I was being criticized for doing all the things that I objected to and had not done. Couldn't find a door to escape. 

     Dreams: I am in a big audience watching two people make music, although they look like lecturers. I am holding music technology and adding good bits of synthesiser sounds - the audience are watching. I feel good and talented. Musicians stop and start, they are confident, almost unbothered by the audience. 

Dreams: Two teeth are wobbly and fall out. I feel horror.  

Towards the others

Affectionate

 Partner's mood very down and melancholic, but somehow I'm not bothered by this. I empathize and talk to her and cuddle her. She is unresponsive, but I feel no mingling with her mood. I feel steady and strong and able to weather whatever is around. Things/feelings touch me but do not sway me off balance. 

     I felt really loving towards people and I felt like being nice which is really unusual. 

     More tactile and affectionate than usual.  

     Shared something very hard and painful with my partner this evening, and was able to feel the pain and communicate this to her very simply. Then it eased and passed, with no difficulties on either side.  

     Partner in a difficult and sad space, but I feel warm and close to her, not swayed by her mood and sadness.  

     I noticed I didn't feel nervous beforehand. Which is strange when meeting new people etc. For first time. I just thought this is OK even if I didn't get the job that's OK too.  

     I am more sociable but still self-contained - not so needy. 

     Happy to let people do things for me - more able to accept it. 

Heritage

I feel very connected in my heritage to the gifts which my parents have handed on down to me - gifts and qualities that I have inherited from them. They had freely given. I feel that all past grievance and pain in my line of inheritance, all that I have held against my parents and their actions - have been forgiven. I feel that I have dropped this load finally. All is clear between my parents and myself. There is no blame, only understanding and forgiveness.  

     I watched a program on TV about the mummies of the Takla Makan desert in North West China. I felt something moved me - the idea of heritage and a common human ancestry. These poor, desiccated bodies were my grandparents. The child who had been buried alive and whose dry, mummified mouth was still open in a scream, was my child. I felt very moved, as if I had been there. A sense of my own history going back over the millennia - all I've seen, lived and witnessed - all my actions - unaware and violent, loving and kind - all these stick to me light a kind of glittering snow - they are enriching and building me. Sculpting me into this moment of present time. So, the feeling of my own ancestry and history linking strongly with my own bloodline and the connection with all those people who have walked this earth. I have noticed a more than usual strong interest in history - world history, and my own. I have been talking to my daughters about events in my own life. They seem to want to hear.  

Fighting for the others

     A strong desire to fight others' battles for them. Jumping in to defend those I care about. Very touched and moved by cruelty and injustice and pain in others it feels like my own!  

     Walking to catch a train, took a short cut through a very seedy neighbourhood. A man in a car was trying to run over a girl. She was running away, but he kept driving after her. I sheltered her while someone called the police and he drove away. I was not at all scared as I am sure I would normally be. Completely calm. It really upset me that this girl who seemed to be a nice person should have to be so terrified and must lead a pretty horrible life in general, I assume that she was a hooker. But I was also thinking that if the world was all perfect it would be a pointless and completely boring nothingness. It struck me how selfish this was that she should suffer so I, who live a pretty easy life, should not have to be bored. Seems to be no answer to these questions. 

 Very self-determined, good motivation - strong to defend self/others, but not overly aggressive at all, just very clear and straight talking. 

 Dreams: There are 6-7 mangled cars twisted together in a heap about 2 cars high. I think, how peculiar, no smoke or fire but there has been a pile up. They are all in a cul-de-sac. I'm looking around the wreckage, there are many people, conscious, upside down and trapped, looking at me. I panic and think I must get help!. I go to the other side and find an unconscious man - I try to get him out but the metal is too hard. 

     Dreams: Dream that involved a man and a woman. They were being chased/pursued. They were caught in the end. The woman ended up being taken away by some men. The man had tried to escape and go into hiding. For some reason he ended up in a wheelchair. He looked much older than at the beginning of the dream, it was as though he had aged in front of me. I was not actually in the dream but watching the events. I felt the anxiety of the woman's capture. I was also greatly concerned that they had become separated. 

Turned into stone

 Had to go to bed early last night and just felt too heavy to get up this morning. Feel that I am sinking into some sort of state, heavy, lethargic and uncaring of anything.  

 This is a sort of uncaring and not bothering feeling. What's the point anyway? Very different from how things were a week ago. I feel like a weight of authority on me - what authority? Whose authority? My increased weight is that of authority. It keeps me pinned to the ground, pinned and held inside my body, which has the quality of stone. My partner even commented that I looked like stone. I don't laugh much now, whereas I was light and free before. No tears or movement of feelings any more. All is cold, quiet and still. Like the grave, like being shut inside a dream. 

 Perhaps my own body is a stony tomb. I feel this is the proving - it is moving still, strongly and with deliberation inside.

  On closing my eyes in bed I see faceless people, they are a strong grey colour and in a line sort of marching towards me. There is one white, as if made from chalk in the centre of them. The impression I have is that the people (men, women, soldiers) are made of stone or hardened clay.  

Emotionless

     I just sat in a chair for ages. I wanted to be quiet. I noticed I really felt inside myself. I knew I was physically here, but emotionally I felt like I was elsewhere - far away. Everything felt really intense and heavy, I thought where is my ability to have fun and laugh gone. It is not so much a feeling of flatness I experienced a few weeks ago - it just seems very still - like nothing is moving. I think I felt cut off from my emotions.  

Being distant from the others

I think from the moment I got to the house I felt really anxious. I did not have the tight feeling in my chest instead there felt like there was a lot of movement. I felt like everything was racing about inside and things in the house were continuing at a normal place. One of my housemates was there. We sat down together to have a cup of tea and she started talking to me. I was trying to listen to her, or at least act normally and give the impression I was, but I found it really difficult to take in what she was saying, mostly because of the great amount of racing and rushing that was going on inside me. I realised that she had shut the door and that I felt really trapped. I don't usually have this sensation when I'm sitting in a room with the door shut. I needed to get out.  

     I have felt my space has been invaded in the house. I felt so pissed off. I was there for peace and quiet, but the person I share with won't leave me alone. I don't mind making conversation and being sociable, I do mind the crap it contains. I just wanted be left alone to do what I wanted. I felt incredibly angry for most of day. I said nothing. I need to move, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with this yet.  

     I don't like to hear other people criticized or pulled down. It hurts my heart.  

     I phoned my aunt, I felt she didn't really understand what I was saying. There was a lack of connection. Usually I feel she really understands me. I was really worried that the others in the house had picked up the other phone and heard what I was saying about them. I felt really paranoid about this - fearful. I had to get out of the house - thought I was going to cry lots - just couldn't. Went to a friend's - felt so much better, normal, myself. I know I need to move house I can't/won't for lots of reasons. I don't think I can attribute this to the proving but it just seems like all the issues and things which need resolving keep coming up at the moment - they haven't for a few months. 

     I had the feeling that the rug had been pulled from beneath my feet. Feel like I've come back to earth with a bump. It's like I've been out to lunch for ages and not really connected to what is happening around me. Things are beginning to seem normal again now. Keep experiencing difficulties with my mother, this is the worst our relationship has been for years. Mostly I get the feeling she is really invading my space (when I stay with her) and that she is trying to control and restrict me, not in her actions just in her words. We do not have a close relationship at all at the moment.  

     I didn't want to talk and wanted to be quiet and still. 

     I'm feeling quite self contained and in myself, as if I'm an element on my own. I'm operating on my own, relatively unaffected by other members of my team at work and students at college. Children affect me, they can irritate me easily or move me emotionally, especially when they are upset. 

     No feeling of contact or closeness with my partner. No wanting physical closeness or touch. A feeling that she's in her space and I'm in mine. No difficulty with this but she has noted it. 

     Refused to fetch daughter from a friend's as she had not made arrangement to do this. Felt strong but flexible with clear boundaries.  

     Went to partner's for dinner. She just wasn't "there". It made me fall silent. I had nothing to say. I left without ceremony or thanks. 

     I am alone in the house, feeling safe and happy to myself. I can hear the sound of silence, like a warm cloak. It feels so good to have unlimited time for me. I need space.  

 I just know that I can't bend myself into any more different shapes, trying to suit everybody. 

     Partner on Sepia which is bringing up lots of anger in her. Have not felt intimidated by the irritation and anger. And kept centred and balanced in this. But the reactions boiled over today in accusations. My response was first to try to talk about the problems, then, when her accusations became angrier, I walked away, choosing not to get involved in such a tirade. Since then, I have felt completely OK, with no desire either to contact her or talk to her. 

     Completely intolerant of others. 

     Generally numb emotionally, and unusually uncaring about how I came across to other people, found myself treating people I knew well quite outrageously, although part in jest.

     Over the past few months I have had an issue with my step-father invading my space. This seems to be getting a bigger issue. I need my space, I wish he'd keep out of it. 

     Sometimes, and this has been growing since Xmas, I just feel like I want to get away from them (my family), it's like I need to be separate from them and be able to do my own thing. I sometimes have this little daydream where I could almost disappear (I wouldn't want to cause anyone any heartache) and start up again somewhere else leaving all my childhood issues and stuff like that behind me. I feel like I need to be separated from them in order to do this. 

     Don't want any hassle, want to be left alone.  

     I was with a friend was talking at length about her day at work. I felt really pissed off sitting there listening to it, I thought, "God this is so incredibly boring." It all seemed so superficial I want to be open and talk about emotions and feelings. I got quite pissed off here this evening. There seemed to be nowhere for me to sit and just be. I felt angry that my space was being invaded. I just wanted to sit quietly and be on my own. I wanted to cry for a few moments because I couldn't get what I needed i. e. my space. The feeling passed. I realized I was unable to cry. It felt like tears had come into my eyes but that was all.  

     Feel very averse to sympathy, tried to talk to girlfriend, but she was annoying me. Felt wound up and nervous. Find people really annoying. Want to be left alone. Find it hard to communicate back. Feel what I'm getting back is just annoying me. 

 Improvements in relationships - my girlfriend has become less possessive and insecure, and I felt freer and able to end it if I want to. 

 Feel irritated and want to escape from a 6 year old boy (at work). Felt quite tormented by his demands and needs - I want to be on my own. He's too much. 

Felt anger, brooding, and confusion over course group problems with tutor. I felt I didn't have the problems, don't try and drag me into it. 

 Shopping in Tesco. My perception is that everybody is in my way. I can't go down any aisle without people pushing in front of me. It's as if they can't see me, as if I'm not there. I'm getting more and more irritated by everyone.  

 I find I'm very assertive over an incident in the staff room, my tolerance of other people's weaknesses is not good. I feel determined not to be walked over. 

  Met prover number 6 he is having a terrible time with a painful angry rash all over his body. Cannot find anyone to treat him and give him an antidote. Mixed feelings again. Bad for him; good for the proving. This sent me deeply into the proving state. 

 Have felt totally unable to make small talk with people. I look at people chatting and think, "How do you think of things to say like that? 

 I heard myself saying to a friend that the boundaries between myself and those that I love feel very fluffy, not hard and sharp, but a soft and diffused feeling of energy between myself and loved ones. My field interacts and penetrates theirs at the fluffy boundary's edge. This actually feels soft and good most of the time, especially when I am in touch and connected with my feelings and what I want and don't want. Feels soft and loving. But when partner pushes through or daughter demands greedily, then the feeling of being pulled comes in. Pulled between them and then I can't feel "me" any more because the boundary has gone. The other person is right in my face. This makes me either respond to the Mother Programme, do your best be your best, give everything up for your partner, for your children; or I get scared because I can't contact my own self inside, then I just blank out and get dizzy and feel I'm going to faint.  

    Church, lots of attention about husband's redundancy - but I feel alien there as if I don't belong.  Also feel very self conscious, usually feel quite confident with people at church.          Coffee in the hall. I'm not relating to people very well, not with ease.

     Feel that homoeopathy has alienated many from people because I don't see the world in the same way as they do. They don't understand what I'm saying or what I really mean when I say things. 

     Journey home, notice again I'm not stirred up by discussions about things. I have definite opinions but do not feel the normal responses such as anger. Arrive home, feel slightly indifferent to family - more responsive to the cats. I hear my son's bike has been stolen. I make noises of disappointment and annoyance but I don't seem to have the feelings.  

    A sort of 'can't be bothered' feeling, have to push myself. Don't feel very communicative. 

     Generally over whole of last two or three weeks, intensification of existing uncaring about what's going on in the world. Know about it more-or-less, but unmoved by it. As time is progressing, less seems to move me or bother me, generally. 

     Had a difficult weekend at college. Didn't feel like I was myself, couldn't relate well to others. Socially everything a huge effort. Felt detached. 

     Playground duty - my aura is definitely different today, I'm hardly approached at all by the kids and if I am it's not for long. This is such a contract to last week. I usually have a few little fans, not as many as last week but definitely more than today! 

     I'm not relating to people very well. Prefer to avoid contact on a casual basis. I'm okay speaking to them if it is my immediate contacts, but I'm avoiding eye contact with anyone else, don't want to be bothered making conversation. 

     My mother phoned up. I felt annoyed as I wanted to get on with my work. (Generally did not want to talk to people). 

     Felt a little uncommunicative during day. It was an effort to communicate with anybody. Really wanted to be left alone.  

 Prompted by a social evening out after the proving discussion I realize just how intolerant and critical I have become of friends; how much I do not like being in a big group - it feels all too superficial with no-one really communicating properly and how I feet unable to communicate with other people in such situations.  

     Company makes me irritable. (I want to be on my own, focused on what I am doing.)  

     Aversion to company very strong.  

     Feeling very independent, desire to be alone. 

     I was really looking forward to getting my constitutional, I felt I really needed a hand. Things were getting out of control. The person I love, my closest friend was becoming like a stranger. I wanted to keep my distance from him and he from me. I felt alienated. I knew I was irritating him beyond the pale and couldn't do anything about it. But the fact was I was also wanting to keep my distance from him. Although it wasn't bad all the time, I was very concerned that things could get out of hand at any time. We were on the brink. I felt like I was staring down into the abyss. 

     Down to Yondercott being with the group and everyone telling their experiences brought me out of the proving rather than taking me into it again. I felt much more my own stuff and problems. 

     I feel that I have let myself get into a position of too much interaction and it has become dangerous and I must get out. On Friday I was talking to someone and said almost exactly that and then physically did run away, almost rudely.  

     I told him I felt alone and distant from him and he finds me very irritating and wants to keep his distance.  

     Felt singled out, by Misha, and would not be involved in photographs. Felt that I was already no longer part of the group. 

 Extreme tiredness and sense of disconnection. Irritable at work. Sarcastic and rude to colleagues at work. Don't care if I get the sack. 

  Alternation between a crushing state and a state of I don't care. In a tomb, by myself, under a mountain, and I don't care. 

Jealousy

     Anger and bitter jealousy flare up later this evening on reconnecting to an event that happened to do with my partner in the past. Deeply felt in my guts, with a desire to punish and hurt her. We talked it out. Felt heavy and bitter and full of a smouldering rage. 

     Husband came home - showed me a photo of him at Christmas party with one of the staff sat on his lap. I'm instantly jealous, and ask why is she sitting on your lap? My husband is amazed at my question and my reaction. I can't hide it, even I'm surprised at my own openness. I might have felt a twinge in the past and I know I'm a jealous person but I wouldn't have come out with it so suddenly and openly. It was an over-reaction.  

Neighbors afraid of losing their friends

    Dream Friday night of brother being attacked (sexually?) by a group of his friends. He was screaming. I and another person intervened, but my brother had a go at me about it as he didn't want to lose his friends' friendship.  

     Dreams :It took place in the town where we used to have a shop, we had come back, a rival shopkeeper, took my wife, threatened her with a knife and tied her up in a cupboard. I had to do exactly what he wanted. The next day everyone acted as normal and no one wanted to hear about it. They all treated him perfectly normally. Threatened by him, but more threatened by everyone else's conspiracy of silence.

     He felt that he had "stuck his neck out" in wanting the group to go to a specific pub in the evening. When they wanted to go to another he said he felt "hot and bothered", but didn't want to be alone, so went with them. He felt too embarrassed to talk about it on the tape the next day. 

 He says that this event reminded him of early stage of life, being an adolescent, when he would stick his neck out, then feel "upset that people didn't choose me".  

Violence from/towards the others

     Witnessed burglary, feel a mixture of fear and anger, scared of facing burglars. Wanted to hit them with a baseball bat, imagined hiding, masked, the jumping out and hitting them, smashing them to a pulp. Violent feelings towards burglars and also fear of what they might do to me in retaliation, fear they would petrol bomb the house. Feel insecure, they know where I live (he repeated this several times). I want anonymous retribution on them, feel fear and anger. 

     Dream: A 9 year old is challenging me, I am punching him and flattening him. Later I try and sneak past a place. He is powerful. It is dark, swampy and I am carrying a big bin bag full of stuff. Felt I had to sneak past. The place was like a big wheel. It was like an army fort. I was fearing retribution. 

     Dreams: I was ridiculed on a street by 4 men, one was fat. I go to a chemist and give £5 before asking for what I want, then I remember I have arnica, and ask for the £5 back, which I get. I follow the 4 men and fantasize about revenge - hitting them - but fear retribution. So I cycle past and laugh at the Fat Git - that's revenge. 

     Dreams: Walk along a lake see many fish in the shallows even sea fish. The water is transparent, its normally muddy. I take a person with learning difficulties (small, vulnerable, dependant, retarded, strange) down a straight jungle alleyway. He is engulfed by tribesmen who bite and eat his face. I am terrified, disgusted, and run back along alleyway to vehicle. 

     Dreams: Standing on a table with another man, who attacks me with his hands, wrestling. I am powerful, using Tai Chi to unbalance him and throw him off. " African men also challenge me. I have a knife, they dodge as I playfully attack with the knife. 

     Dream: I am sitting having an intellectual discussion regarding social education. The word "chicken" reoccurred. Images/memories of emotional battles with father came up while discussing the economy/ politics /religion  

     Dreams: Armageddon is happening. I am amongst 100's of people in a rural environment but with a huge tall building, Nuclear explosions are occurring far away but getting nearer. They are awesome. I am with the girls from the previous dream and others ( a bit like Terminator), We are running, hiding, troops are moving in, bombs are going off. I constantly hope to find somewhere safe.  

     Dream about being annoyed, my brother and his friend have been spying on me with a video. I bust their equipment. Felt annoyed and angry. 

     Dream - it's WWIII. We watch from across the sea, England has been blown up, forces are coming towards us, we run inland. 

     Dream of being threatened and menaced outside car and house by loads of men. Feel very alone and very threatened.  

     Dreams: Was watching fireworks. Teachers who were responsible for children were standing with them very close to the fireworks. A rocket was about to go up. I shouted to them to move further away but they took no notice (did not hear me?). I then pushed them bodily further away.  

     Dreams: Tall brick tower like scene in old factory. Grimy brickwork but strong and in good shape. It fell down (was blown up?) 

     Dreams: Slept in a house. Three men came. I could hear them saying what they would do if they found someone in there, but I was not frightened. They came in and threatened me. I shouted for people to come and help. One came and then slowly lots came, friends of friends. One looked rather like me they said. (but I thought not as she had lots of hair!). 

     Dreams: I was doing some performance with a child from school and did not arrange a safety net. Someone on a trapeze was holding her by two hands but lost the grip of one hand and she fell on top of my mother who was in the audience below. She cried and when she was turned over you could see that her back had split open and we could see inside her body, her lungs, breathing, etc. Someone folded her flesh and bones back around her insides and clipped her together very neatly. I was a bit worried but more intrigued about what was happening. Did not feel real guilt. 

      Dreams: A friend called for me and said we had to see someone in outskirts of town. Started walking.  Ended up wrong side of town. So we went to get the bus. As I followed him, I noticed four people sitting around a table outside a cafe, two of them were young girls (11 or 12?) who started to take their clothes off. I walked towards the bus stop, where there was a group of people. There were some sexual occurrences. Not sure what. There was some confusion as to which of the people were men and which women. My main concern was that I wasn't sure where I was. Then the bus stop turned into the inside of a night club or something similar. One of the people beckoned me to come with them, which I did. As we walked the person, who I realized now was a man, was calling for the security guards. I became more concerned, so went to turn away. The man became menacing and the security guards were coming towards me from the other direction. At this point I saw a young man being carried on two people's shoulders from the door which we were headed towards. I thought if I shouted "no" at the top of my voice someone might come to my aid. So I shouted "no". Then I realized there had been no sound in my dream (apart from this), and that this wasn't my voice I could hear saying no. 

     Vivid dreams of travel, buildings and war (but possibly not with guns, but harmless laser beams).  Don't remember full details but involved climbing through a building by the sea. Also helping to construct a huge scaffolding (andaime) (which was going to be used in some war against terrorists, I think). At one point I was conscious of having to get somewhere and having to climb through buildings to do so. 

     Very vivid dream about being held hostage by a group of terrorists with a larger group of people who took over a large house and more or less demolished it inside, putting in all kinds of struts and bars and other structures. Me and another boy ( I was about 12 in the dream, as I no realize I have been in all my dreams since taking the remedy) managed to escape when they weren't looking. We then were struggling to find a particular place. At one point we were aided by a big bird like an eagle. Then somehow we ended up in another house, which we were in the process of moving out of, and were sad about leaving. 

     Dreams of having to get marijuana to a distant location on a river by swan transport. There were 3 groups of 3 swans pulling cargoes of dope. Then some soldiers came with the intention of killing the swans. I had to quickly free the swans by cutting the ropes attaching them to their cargo.

     Dream of an alligator and cougar (puma) locked in battle. I think, "Good then there is no danger to me." Notwithstanding, the cougar pursues me. I flee into a farmhouse attic, through a door into a low roof space where armed with a roof slate I await the predator (confident that I shall be able to defend myself!)  

     During night dreams of soldiers getting organized to fight in a Japanese camp.  

     Dreams: France, family house, me sitting outside with husband, serving us food. We knew the man was not honest, sexual connotations between me and the man/owner. It was bright. Paddington Station! Railings in the middle of the concourse, lots of people, dark. Waiting for either train or bus, busy running everywhere trying to find out what was going on. My youngest child was fighting with another boy, I wanted to run and get him (he was in a pool of shallow water) but my Mother was holding me back. I escaped and pulled him out and comforted him. 

     Unusual dreams of foreign countries, some nightmares with aliens and a dream of fighting with a sword and winning. 

     Dreams of stabbing my father because he bullied and insulted my brother who is older than me but can not stand up to him as I can. There was some sort of family get together and I tried to get my father to go into the kitchen so I didn't embarrass everyone by making a scene but I really wanted and intended to stab him because it was so unfair to my brother.  

     Dreams: It was just a static image. It was a leaf, a big leaf, like a palm leaf and I was just really aware of the structure of it. The form, and the veins on it. It was something to do with the leaf being cut up the middle. I was aware of the way it had been cut and the jaggedness in the middle, and I just remember thinking that's exactly like human skin and flesh. And that was it. It was just that image, completely flat and completely still, no movement, nothing, just that. It was just like human skin and human flesh when it was cut.  

     Dreams : Friends were having a party to which I was invited and went - The bit which struck me was the talk of their young daughter who had died (in the dream). I realized in the dream that I knew this and saw a replay of her father carrying her out of a burning building across the roofs and she was charred all over. I felt profoundly sad for them.  

Accommodation

     Argument with Landlady, she said I couldn't stay there anymore - I felt, I like it here, where else will I go/stay?  

 I have had dreams about trying to find accommodation. I was trying to find accommodation for a man with wife and children as well as trying to find a solution to an illness of his.  

Needing to make my voice heard in group/college issues at the weekend.  

With the Environment

Animals

    Somewhere, some how internal connection with the image of a bear. It feels like I have bear's feet.  

     Awoke very suddenly into a wide awake state, with image of a deer with large antlers lying on the ground - still, beautiful, ageless. 

     I had a peculiar sensation of more than one set of eyelids closing, as if I were closing down further and further, going deeper and deeper and the light kept getting darker and darker and I went in. All I got was a sensation of completeness and very much aware of the structure of things. Didn't, I thought go very deep and then at some point I had the sensation of those same sets of eyelids going back up and the light getting brighter and brighter until I moved my neck - it felt like a turtle almost, as if my neck and head were one shape and size. I moved it around like that and as the light became brighter I opened my eyes and again things are very clear for me.  

     I keep noticing cats, not unusual as I do like them. Every cat I meet I tell them how beautiful they are. I found a print of a lion - it really struck me - it's a magnificent creature, I've colored it in and put it on the wall - it just seemed the right thing to do.  

     On going to bed I had a vision of there was something in the room with me with these bright eyes, a bit like a coyote or something, sort of bright eyes. I didn't feel particularly scared by that, just ignored it and went to sleep. 

     When I closed my eyes I had an image of blood red. Then I had an image of black werewolf-like dogs/beasts with white pointed teeth. 

      Dreams: In the first dream I was in a room. In the corner of the room there was a machine (bit like an electric meter) which we had to put coins into. It only took £1 and 50p coins (new and old). I was with a friend and I was particularly concerned that she did not put all the money into the machine at once and that some was saved for the following day. I kept going over and trying to organize her. Next to the machine was a small animal (don't know what sort) it had a long pointed tongue.  I had to make sure I got the money into the machine without the animal flicking out its tongue and getting me, it could have been poisonous. 

      Dreams: I was in a room. There was an animal outside in the darkness (think it was a big cat of some sort) and an animal inside - couldn't remember what and I'm not sire if I recognized it. I knew it was important not to let the animal which was inside go out where they could be eaten/attacked by another animal. My dog (who I was very attached to and died over a year ago now was in the dream - it was nice to see her) at one point went out through a catflap in the door. I heard her coming back in and went to make sure she had got back through. I locked the catflap so she couldn't go out again and risk being harmed. 

     Dreams: I was on a pebbly beach with a friend; we were sitting at a picnic table. There was a Doberman sitting with us by the table. I heard an explosion. I turned to see that a boat on the sea had exploded into flames. We watched it.  

     Dreams : Snapshot of being in a public toilet, a very highbrow young woman was there. She was wearing a black velvet dress studded with diamonds. She had hung a 2 piece on the door of the toilet. The top had an embroidered dragon on it.  

     Dreams : My partner and I are looking at some clothes in a second hand sale. I say this one's for you and pull out a dressing gown which has pictures of birds on it. I'm especially drawn to the picture of the Peregrine falcon, and point this bird out to my partner. The sale takes place on a piece of land which looks like a building site. 

     A dream of giving tasty sweet to a pet, then realizing the negative consequences on the health of the animal. The sweet was given for trying to train the animal.  

 Dreams of black sharks whose fins had been cut by fishermen, therefore it was impossible to recognise their presence and the danger involved. One of the sharks was endangering my boat by bumping Into it. I was worried I might lose control.  

     Have had fish appearing in my dreams an awful lot. The dreams are not necessarily about fish but they are always there somewhere in the background.  

     A tiger prowling around the undergrowth.  

     Dreams: Walking through town center at night with some other students. There are some rats and people are going over to look - first one rat then lots on the pavement. We turn away and whilst walking I recognize someone from my schooldays. He walks with us for a while and I'm trying to explain to him about homoeopathy and what we're doing. Eventually he leaves - he's not interested.  

Living with Nature

Realize that feelings of empathy for animals, people or nature in pain or difficulty are much stronger and deeper. Feelings of disgust for the tastelessness of TV with its diet of sex, sensation and violence are very strong, sad and contemptuous. How can standards of integrity, worth and peace be passed to our children, when so much pollution (of the Planet, of our minds) surround them. It makes me want to go and live on a desert island.  

 I sit down and can't fully concentrate. I need my space. I feel hemmed in. Went to park, drove, didn't want to be round streets and houses. Happy at the park, singing. Wanted to run. Lots of energy. Didn't run because it felt stupid.  

 Felt very soft, vulnerable, cried for a while. Felt like this all afternoon. Feeling of "where do I want to live".  

 Feel disorientated, not myself.  

  Had the urge to go to the seaside, to Lyme Regis and the fossils there in particular. I often have an urge to go to a particular landscape: mountain, forest and especially city, but not often for the sea. The ancient, ancestral aspect of the remedy would tie in with the fossils. I therefore thought that this was going to be an "ameliorated by the seashore" experience and at first the fresh air was really good and the smell of the sea, and the unrelenting power of the waves. However, it quickly became clear that this was "sadness by the sea". Everything that the sea touched was coarse and massive. The boulders and the great slabs of wood were rounded and weathered and everywhere there was rust and tar. Nothing could keep a fine edge the stones are all rounded and coarse and even the town and its people seemed old and weathered, out of another age but coarse, crude and somewhat unpleasant. Fineness and beauty were totally banished. This is not at all how I usually feel about the sea. The Sea and the Earth seemed to be in a dance that was threatening and destructive. Driving home through the beautiful Dorset countryside the land seemed to have the features of fineness and beauty that the sea had negated. There were fine gradations in the shades of green between fields, all carefully defined by the hedges and lanes and the trees threw up wonderful fine traceries of branches that were perfectly detailed in themselves and combined to form the clear pattern of the whole tree. 

     A definite feeling of wanting purity and not believing that it is really possible. 

     Dreams: In a street market. Someone is putting together a bundle of long stalked flowers. I end up with them and someone is very disapproving (if they had done it they wouldn't have included those!) I have one with a thick stem and circular leaves that increase in diameter from top to bottom. I use it as a walking stick and we walk ceremonially (sic). First through a room like a corridor with very thick opaque glass floor - it is very beautiful, lots of plants, I point out its advantages. Successive rooms are larger and the floor thinner until we are on a glass, though reinforced, that is see through. I am "swimming" on the glass - demonstrating to the others in the procession another way of travelling on this - although there are some people dancing on it ahead. 

     Dreams : Woke up angry from a dream. I was just about to open a shop in my home town. I was looking around the building. There was an old closet in the building. I opened it up. Inside there were lots of very beautiful crystals, and also some paintings/carvings on stone of Buddhas. Two crystals in particular caught my eye. One was a bright yellow orange/colour cubic shaped crystal, one on top of the other. The other was an ametrine (amethyst and citrine). It had been carved into a Sun with wavy rays. It was scintillating, glowing and very beautiful. I went back to the room I was sharing with my partner, and told her about the find. She was in a bad mood, and started to try to pick a fight, telling me I was more concerned with the shop and crystals than with her. I felt goaded and angry and woke up with that feeling. 

Time

Time stretched out - all seemed longer with more in it. 

Electric things

Everything going wrong tonight, fuses blowing, things breaking, but I didn't worry about it and it all turned out alright in the end. This continued right through the proving with things, especially electrical and mechanical things, going wrong at an exceptional rate, but I was unfazed by it.  

Travel

Went to the States spontaneously.  

Sensitiveness to the surroundings

 Even voices sounds very more dimensional audibly. They seem to have a lot more resonance within and smells seem more acute. 

 Everything had more perceptual clarity - more depth.  

 Things I knew in theory I now know in practice.  

  I felt very tired today. I did not sleep will last night a combination of having things on my mind and smoking too much. I travelled to my family's today to work in the kennels, working is fine, I was not keen about being round them. I'm really aware of my boundaries (or lack of them) here. I felt angry with my mother for not saying clearly what she wanted me to do - everything is so hazy. I have been aware over the past few days that I keep staring at things, objects, trees, bushes, with great intensity. Its like I give them a hard stare. My eyes are wide open but I feel they are very focused on what they are staring at. 

 Everyone looked beautiful, had beautiful faces - it was a real pleasure to look at them.  

Aliens

I have no answers any more. All is soft and unformed. No plans and no ultimatums.  

     I feel like the Aliens have taken over , and no-one knows about it except me and the guys at school, unless of course other people involved in homoeopathy. Of course I don't mention the proving to anyone outside. It's like the ' X Files' in real life (only an analogy not a delusion)!  

 Dream of flying object in sky above high buildings. I sense menace. The flying object skims along a boulevard (as in New York), out of view and explodes. I am unharmed. 

Lost

 I felt really lost. I opened my eyes a couple of times and just didn't know where I was. Then it's a bit like closing my eyes and knowing again. 

     Very spatial - no dimension.  

Music

When I was in the house this afternoon I put some music on. I felt like moving about to is, not dancing so much as doing a sort of exercise workout. I felt like I'd got loads of energy, it made me feel really happy to keep moving about and using it (the energy). Did this for about 10 minutes till I felt tired (I'm not very fit). 

 I was listening to some music today, I started singing. Then dancing, or as I now prefer to think of it, my aerobic workout. It was great, I really enjoyed it. I felt really good. This all feels so healthy: exercise, eating properly.  

  More of the same as yesterday good energy level. Felt like I wanted to put music on and do a work-out (more like dancing). 

  He felt scruffy. Didn't work on homoeopathy, read a book for his own enjoyment. Played piano lots.  

  Went out dancing to a club. Amazed at how free and uninhibited my dancing was. Felt connected to the music and able to express myself. Haven't felt so much into myself, music, for so long. 

  I feel so good inside. I want to yell and shout thank you! I wish that the whole world were happy and full of peace, blessings and the sheer delight of being alive, in this place which is so beautiful, so full of abundance, humour and dancing! Am finding my singing voice again and wanting to sing!  

  Connection with the inside of myself and my feelings is very strong. I have danced with joy, and sung - things I have found difficult to do for some time.  

     The only thing which made me feel better was listening to music and singing - made me feel happier.  

     The itching and burning is better for singing.  

     I have managed to do some homework this afternoon. Since sitting in the safe haven of my room I am feeling much calmer, especially if I listen to music.  

     Moved very much by violin concerto (Bach) which was on TV tonight, it moved me to tears. The shape and structure of it contained and expressed such energy and freedom and sheer exuberant joy that I felt tears spring into my eyes, and my insides felt like they were jumping.  

     Classical music, especially opera, causes some feeling inside - more to do with the structure and space of the music than the actual feeling. 

     Feeling of apprehension, sensation of something being stuck in my chest, made me feel restricted. Felt better for being active and doing something, singing and dancing (very unusual thing). Felt with great intensity: Wanted to get rid of all my inhibitions and be free from my usual reserved self. By 10.30 pm I felt non-apprehensive and really tired. I've been sitting for a while now. The apprehensive and tight feeling in my chest has returned. It's nearly midnight and I don't feel like going to sleep. Perhaps the sense of apprehension is really restlessness, I need to do something but I don't know what exactly. 

Chocolate didn't appease feeling of apprehension. I have felt apprehensive before. This was different because I didn't really know why. Usually I feel like crying when apprehensive, tonight I felt like I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. It was like there was something stuck in my chest, it made me feel restricted. I felt like I needed to be active and do something. I didn't really want to go out so I put loud music on and sang and danced, this is not something I usually do but it made me feel better. I was in the mood where I could have gong to club and got drunk (not a usual thing, or something I've even had the inclination to do for years). During this time I had the urge to get rid of all my inhibitions and feel free from my usual reserved self. I regretted the fact that I was alone and had no one to share this with. Was also aware my "housemates" may come back, there was a sense that I might be "caught" dancing, etc., how embarrassing. 

     No joy in people, flowers, anything. Only clouds and music. 

Painting, refurbishing and cleaning

Painted the hall, stairs and landings in lots of different reds, oranges and yellows, a few days after the proving started. After months of dawdling and indecision I leapt out of bed in the morning, decided I wanted to do it that day and those were the colors I wanted, really hot and fiery.  

 Painted room (toilet) bright orange.  

  When I got home, I just blitzed my house, I cleaned it from top to bottom. And this morning I was cooking for lunch-time at 7 o'clock this morning which is really kind of unusual for me.  

  I went home and hoover it, which is very unusual for me. I didn't have any children or anything. I had the house to myself and I chose to do housework. It's very strange.  

     Practical and homely - did all the washing up (unusual). 

     Feeling very practical. (desire to clear up).  

     Doing lots of practical things today. Tidying up the shed, taking rubbish to the dump and tidying out the garage. These are things I would generally avoid like the plague, but over the past few days have found these practical tasks very enjoyable, giving me motivation and an inner sense of empowerment.  

Indifference

    I wonder if that is a key to the proving? I am "bothered" less. I've become (or have been) more materially minded, solidly inhabiting the material universe of my senses, not the spiritual universe of my perception. I said to my supervisor last night that I was in danger of becoming a "self-satisfied little prig". I have less fear and anxiety, but also less of a charge! I have less awe as well. Practical pig, inhabiting only the tidy confines of his tidy sty.  

     No desire to do anything at all - no need for practical things. Just want to sit and laze. 

     Endurance and can't be bothered has replaced the motivation I was feeling before. This has become obvious through all levels. My mind can't be bothered to think, discuss or remember. It just wants feeding - so I sit in front of the telly, being fed with crap - or listen to others go on their own trip and can't be bothered to respond or enter any kind of dialogue.  

     Alternation between a crushing state and a state of I don't care. In a tomb, by myself, under a mountain, and I don't care. 

     Today I woke dull and separate enclosed in my own world of isolation. My partner started questioning me, I got irritated. A row started - the usual stupid accusations. I felt neither real anger more real upset. Just frustrated and annoyed. I went into the kitchen and slammed my cup of tea into the kitchen sink I broke the cup and a plate. I didn't care at all! My partner has left now and I feel relief, she blamed the proving and said that I was not taking responsibility for my feelings. I don't really care. 

     The face of the tiger is still in front of me - a reminder of the brilliance, beauty, passion and ferocity of life in its burning. But I cannot feel these qualities. I have looked at Medusa and I have turned to stone! I can still work and study, I have no real motivation, but order, structure and duty keep me able to perform those tasks I need to in order that the cogs in the wheels within wheels still turn. My singing and creating, my heart beating and loving, my breath - all these seem stifled, compacted, dull and dead. There is no happiness, no sadness, no fear, no excitement - only a blind and stony deadness. Even that Feels OK! 

     Kept losing things that were in my hand - didn't really bother me. 

     I felt like I couldn't be bothered to move and get up to go home. I would have felt perfectly OK to have sat there for longer.

     My mother and I had a minor argument. I couldn't be bothered to argue with her. During her outburst of irritability I just felt like what she was saying went over the top of my head. It wasn't like indifference, I just couldn't be bothered/or see the point of arguing back. Usually I would.  

     I do not feel as close as I usually do to my mother I've realized I have not written once about her operation. My thoughts about it have been odd really. I was worried and concerned but I'm not sure exactly what emotions I felt. This has been kind of a general thing really that rationally my mind tells me one thing or I hear myself saying something to someone but emotionally there's little feeling. Rationally I know that I do care but I don't feel anything or the appropriate emotion. 

 This has been a strange and new feeling for me, something I'm finding difficult to write down and explain clearly.  

     Whilst driving home I was despondent. Half way home I just thought "fuck it". I put some music on in the car, it helped to left my spirits. Felt really spaced out when I got home and for most of the next day. 

     My general attitude today has been one where I can shrug my shoulders and say, "it's OK, it doesn't matter." It's almost like I don't care. I decided not to worry about not having a job. I thought at the moment I'm fine, this is fine. I wondered how impractical I'm being not worrying about money and then I thought, but it'll be fine. 

     At the moment I feel good. Calm, happy. Everything seems fine. I feel like I should be worrying with all the shit that's going on, I usually do - but at the moment I'm not, it just doesn't seem to matter that much. 

     Arrive home from work, can't be bothered to do anything. Feel immobile, inert. Even emotionally I feel numb and unresponsive - sit and listen to music - don't want to do any housework, or talk, or cook. The thought of doing homework makes me groan. 

     Eldest son calls me, there's blood in the toilet pan and he's worried about it. There's a momentary response of concern, then I go numb again as I rapidly try to think of all the things it could be. I think to myself, normally you would have felt panic, there would have been some movement within, not much stirred in me, yet my mind acknowledges concern. "We'll keep an eye on it and I'll book you in to see the homœopath". All I want to do really is curl up somewhere warm and sleep.  

     Want to sleep, but at the same time don't want to be bothered to make the effort.. Body feels weary and slow, back feels unable to support me. 

     My handwriting has got worse. I just can't be bothered with it, and I can hardly be bothered to keep the diary properly. Can't be bothered to go into detail.  

     Irritated when husband asks a question. can't be bothered to think about it. 

      Woke early again around 6.00 a.m.  Remembered a dream but couldn't be bothered to write it down or commit it to memory. 

      Had been given the wrong time when I booked my tickets so I knew that I was going to be late for a meeting but this did not bother me at all. Normally I would have fretted and been upset worrying about being late and going through in my mind the scene as I turned up late. Just walked into the meeting and said I was sorry, no explanations, no embarrassment.  

     There is a strong feeling of I don't care about me. During an argument with my wife last week  she said, "You just don't care." and I didn't, to a much greater degree than is my normal state.  

     Asserted myself with Head over child who was sent home on Friday - quite firm in my opinion - not afraid to say what I think - the same later on with Deputy Head. Kids playing up and I'm feeling - what the hell - I'm not paid for all this agro. I'll have the minimum to do with it. 

 Extreme tiredness and sense of pointlessness.  

     There has also been a strong 'can't be bothered' and lazy element which I have noticed in relation to recording dreams and being less conscientious than I would normally about homework. And I suppose a certain amount of complacency. I have been incredibly lazy as regards housework, apart from the day or two after I took the remedy when I was a regular little homemaker. 

     Throughout the day I felt as if I couldn't be bothered. Couldn't be bothered to study, to speak to people. Would like to have spent the day in bed or in the sunshine. Once I overcome these feelings I can get involved. It is the initial effort that is difficult.  

     Missed the train home from Scotland. (I have never missed a train before in my life.) 

     I can't be bothered with a lot of things - too lazy. 

     In evening at Homoeopathy study group they remarked about my hair, dull jumper and no makeup, especially when they heard about proving! 

 

Fear of violence

 

     Now that the effects of the cold are lessening I see where I am experiencing fears. Nameless, unexpressed and an underlying negativity. 

     Couldn't get to sleep last night worrying about Saddam Hussein and threatened bombing of chemical and biological warfare plants. Wondered if I have any of the remedies that would help people if these germs and nerve gases got out. Imagined the scenario. 

     Seeing attacks where there are none, feeling not good enough. 

      Worry and concern about family, friends and the wider world. This is keeping me awake at night. Worry and concern but not wanting to fix it.  

     Panicky - wanted to run away.  

     I have a sense of underlying anxiety or perhaps apprehension. I'm not sure why. During the course of the evening the feeling of apprehension got worse.  

     I was actually thinking about the repertory and started to get quite concerned about how people know that certain remedies give you tumors. And I'm wondering if that comes up in provings. I starting to get really apprehensive about it all. Deep pathology coming out. 

     During the day he witnessed a burglary, he is still in a bit of a trauma state from the burglary last week at his home. He says seeing this not good for his sense of security.  

     Have therapy, a sense of fear and terror. Fear of performing that night, feeling of needing protection.

     I feel panicky, I want to leave the room. 

      During night feelings of fear connected with violence, images of SAS shouting abuse at top of voice, following party on Sat night when people dressed up in leather as joke with handcuffs etc. and talk of sado masochism "M and S by day, S and M at night".  

      Woke at 6.35am convinced I'd been woken by my daughter shouting "Mum, come quickly!". Rush of adrenalin.  

     Have become paranoid that one of my students is going to stalk and murder me. There has always been something a bit creepy about him, but I have managed to push the feeling to one side. He has become obsessed with serial killers and devours books on them. He talks about walking down street, realizing that no-one is aware of his existence and how he has the desire to smash someone across the head with a hammer or drop a heavy shopping basket on a babies head, then they'd notice him. This really freaks me out because I know he has been attracted to me since the beginning of the course. He was staring me all the time in a really unnerving way and not taking notes as he usually does. Now I'm paranoid that he's going to turn into a serial killer like the characters he is so fascinated by, and I'm going to be his first victim. My big fear and delusion is that I'm attracting this in some way because it's part of my energy field and unless I do something about this, my energy is going to attract this more and it is going to happen, but I didn't know what to do so it's a bit scary.  

     I was reading a Sunday supplement which contained an article about a woman who married a man who had been imprisoned for murdering his family. He was the perfect husband for about 15 years. Until she became depressed and he murdered her then killed himself. I became paranoid and scared that my partner had a lot of suppressed violence and that he would murder me at some point. 

     Dreams : In the dream my brother and sister in law come into my house and there is some kind of drug deal that they involved with. They have guns, or a gun and they are threatening to kill us which is somewhat frightening but I am much more annoyed with it. At some point they are distracted and I see my niece, one of their daughters, coming up the drive, so I slip out and go up to her and say look, your parents have got a gun, they are threatening to kill us. I want you to go to the police and say that, they will probably laugh at you but I just want it known. I go back in the house and they say, Oh what did you do that for! (everyone laughs) Oh, come on now, just see, these are just toy guns and they show me a little packet with these ineffectual gold toy guns in them. I say those are not the guns, or that is not the gun you had, I want that gun and its' out now. Its' a peculiar little dream, and I do see my niece later, she says, yeah, they did laugh at me, the police. 

      Dreams: Woke feeling sad and a little scared. Had had a disturbing dream which I couldn't remember. 

 There were things in it from the previous day, but exaggerated with a sense of danger. I was clearing dog shit (which I did yesterday) but it was from someone else's garden and I was hiding from some one while I did it.  

     Dreams: I was naked in a line of women and girls - we were all foreign. There was a pit before us. The whole area was devastated and burnt. I felt that I was about to be shot, that I'd be buried in the pit below.  

     Dreams : I was in a field with 2 other people (don't know who). There were lots of hay/straw bales (fardos) stacked in rectangular shapes (the size of small sheds). I don't know why we were there but it was as though we shouldn't have been and there was an element of danger involved. What struck me was that there were piles of white plastic coffee cups scattered about. This annoyed me quite a bit and I kept saying "how can people leave their litter in a field". I found my concern about this odd because of the sense of danger involved in whatever it was we were doing. Suddenly a car raced past us and swerved around. It came to a sudden stop next to the bales we were then hiding behind. Men/people jumped out of the car, at this time we were on the floor in a row. A man started tying us up, I was the last person. When he got to me he started asking me about homœopathy. It was like we were just having a normal conversation. For some reason he took a sharp pointed object and went to stab it into an open wound I had on my hand. At this point I was aware that there was a lot of mud and I had it on my hands. As he went to stab me I raised my leg to kick/push him off and I actually woke up physically kicking my left leg. I have never awoken from a dream in this way before.  

     Dream: something to do with driving a car in the dark from one destination to another. When I switched the lights of the car on I could see this huge steep hill going downwards (looked really steep like rollercoaster ride effect). Had to get to destination without this animal getting me, "attacking me out of the darkness" were the words that first came into my mind.  

     Dreams: Driving out of the B and B I was in the exact place of a dream the night before. I had dreamt that I was driving out of the B and B in the morning and there was a yellow and black lifting barrier, like those in car parks, which was raised. I thought that it was a good thing it had been raised the night before or I would have crashed into it in the dark.   

     Dreams: I am in a world of tyranny. It feels like Sadaam Hussein's troops are around me in this town. It feels like an occupied town of which I am a citizen. Its a sort of shanty town, its quite busy and I am swimming around the town, its an aquatic town. I watch men about to go on dives, and I watch these troops, a little bit, like I am gathering intelligence. One of the men says are you a soldier? And are you on the other side? I say, No, no I just moved away. I feel younger than him. I feel like a child. And later three men, there is an American man talking in a bar or something, and I am watching him, he is being quite loud. He is telling us the correct pronunciation of "show" whatever that is. We are speaking it wrong, and then these three men slowly approach him and then attack him with knives killing him and I fend them off with a shopping trolley. (Huge Laughs) I stab one of them and eventually all the assailants are murdered in revenge. I quickly run off, dropping the knives somewhere remote so that they can't be found. And then I walk back and try to mingle back into the rest of the town. I am walking past troops and I am trying to look as if nothing has happened so I have a sense that I have done something pretty awful and I am with a knife with a sense of justice around it as well.  

     Dream of steel and glass building. Espionage. Stolen object strapped to dog's collar. Dog runs out of the building into street and up an alley. Where is it?  

I had dreams of needles, together with the anxiety of being hurt by them. 

 Then about 4 a.m.  images on wakening of skulls laid out on a table as if for an exhibition.  

 I had a dream last night, I drew something during the meditation and I didn't know what it was, and the dream began. My understanding was it's a propeller from underneath a ship and I lay there and saw this incredibly huge operating thing - polishing - it was horrible, it was coming towards me and it was going to slice through me. And I just, I didn't fight, it was fine, I understood that I needed this really incredibly strong metal cutting tool to get through me because it was the only way it was going to get to the stuff inside me, so when I first woke up with these pains in my back, I just thought Oh, well that's where I've been cut.  

Danger

I had dreams of difficult escalations, With rocks falling where I was grasping. In one of these I reached the top of the hill and found musical instruments which had not been used for a long time. 

    Dreams of going down dangerous slopes.  

Money

Dreams: On two occasions people had money which was mine and which they should be returning, (one was a bank, one was a shopkeeper) and they wouldn't. I pleaded and argued to no avail and then sobbed and sobbed, particularly upset as one was a birthday present. This is the opposite to how I am in real life, when I would stride in and confront, and stick to my guns until I got results. 

Have a desire to spend money and also fear of not having enough (has inherited some money and doesn't want to squander it). Everyone thinks they would be pleased - I'm pissed off, they don't listen I am trying to sell everything I don't need. I'm on a mission. I'm very fixed on material things. I'm going over everything, getting rid of things, making space for new things to come into my life. I want to keep all the good things, possessions orientated, in control of money. Still have fears around money.  

Muddy, dirt, rats

 Dreams: I was camping in the rain on a wet and muddy campsite. On the edge of the campsite was a deserted school and I could see tables and chairs and trays and books and things. Some campers had retreated into their vans, because it was pretty miserable really so it was pretty deserted the campsite as well, and I felt quite vulnerable and exposed. Homeless, I think, I felt a bit homeless. All I had was a flimsy little tent and it was wet and horrible.  

  Dreams: Walking down a rural muddy track past an isolated semi-detached house on the left. A friend used to live there. Stand and gaze at house and remember old times. A woman is looking out of the kitchen suspiciously at me. Feel as if I may be worrying her or menacing her slightly. I go on down the track, cars struggle past and get stuck in the mud. I have a fear of being run over but have lots of time to move out the way as the cars seem to be moving slowly.  

Houses/repairing

Dreams: A set in a theatre is being built or repaired and I am involved somehow. It is being built like a house - it is both a house and a set. The walls are all up, defining narrow rooms, but are mostly the struts and beams, like ribs. In places there is plaster (sheet rock) or boards nailed up. Either there are no doors or they are likewise covered. I want to go out. I point out to a workman that if a square board is removed - about 4 ft from the floor - I could squeeze through and get to the door. I try to go headfirst, realize I won't make it, so I go feet first. I end up in the vestibule before the door. It is very dark and dusty - lots of luggage and shoes in front of the door. It is both a door and part of the set. As I start to clear the way I see someone in the room I've just come from - a black girl - she may have been there all along - it may have been she who helped me hoist myself through the struts, which now bear the marks of my straining through. I haven't a sense of trying to escape, just making a determined effort to accomplish my goal.

Dreams: Some others and I were stalking around a large house in which some nouveau riche people with a blue Mercedes lived. We had been inside a couple of times. As we were leaving the man turned up. We crept away but he saw us as we left. We went to the town to a "safe-house". He turned up and was being quite menacing, implying he knew we had been stalking. I had a duvet cover in my hand. The word "Para" kept coming in. I was in Spain with two raggle-taggle kids who were mine. A German woman had won a competition. The prize was an apartment. We were in the apartment which she was checking out, complaining it was not big enough. We looked around the apartment and there was a whole load of space she had not seen. She kept saying, "Scheisse, Scheisse!" Then we were in a nightclub. The focus in both these dreams was on houses buildings.  

Dreams: I was in another field. For some reason a large portion of the field had been dug into a square shape (it reminded me of the site of an archaeological dig). I wasn't actually doing any digging. I was aware that the people who were digging were trying to find things in the soil. Someone (the person in charge I think) told them that if they started digging in a slightly different area they would be able to find what they were looking for. I realized I was looking down through cracks in soil and could see things beneath it. Somehow the things - which turned out to be fictional characters from a children's TV program were dug up and managed to run away. It was like they had escaped. I felt really happy for them.  

Work

 Now working - interaction with others 'perfect' job - easy-going. 

  Very efficient at practical tasks - cooking and chopping vegetables. Feeling a lot of energy and motivation to do things but at the same time a very relaxed and easy feeling. 

 Motivated to work and do things, but do them correctly and in the best way. 

 The need to get another picture, a need to be creative and express with color and form. The picture has been taking shape in my imagination for the last week.  

     Very much more motivated to get things done, also very much more organized. A feeling that it wills all gets done, in the right time and in the right way. This feeling very good and very empowering, none of my usual resistance.  

     Very methodical - not me!  

     I feel like my energy level has returned today. I feel I want to be really organized about everything. The water is being cut off for 36 hours while the water company is doing repairs. I went round filling up vessels with water including the bath to make sure we are prepared. 

     Feeling busy still, writing letters, tidying up, phoning people up, and ordering up. Have a fear of things being stolen. Feel very "arsenicum". 

     Felt like organizing my homeopathy files.  

     Still clear thinking. Decided to do my planning for teaching tonight- for whole term! 

     Am organizing lots of stuff around course, life, etc., but still not able to settle down to any work.  

Better doing things. 

     Non-stop activity - work and play.  

     Lovely job - non-stop, full steam - intolerant of slow people. 

     Sense of annoyance and irritability a sense of too much work and not enough time to do it in. Growling and snapping at family members, but this mood is soon dispersed and I get into laughing at my attitude and myself. Wanting to work and study with a willingness to get on with things.

     When I finished work this evening I noticed the tight feeling in my chest (it is like a little fist). I feel it now since I have stopped being active. I'm finding it really difficult to sit down and do nothing. I don't actually know what I'd like to do with myself. It's like I want to do something but I can't be bothered to do anything. I had to make myself sit down and write this.  

     I have noticed that when I am actively doing something, engaged in something, with my mind focused that the apprehension goes away, I don't notice it. When it isn't there I feel happy like I'm in a really good mood.  

     Today I intended to sit down and do some homework. I found it really difficult to settle. I tried to avoid it for as long as possible by finding lots of other things to do. I think I managed to concentrate on what I'm doing for about 10 minutes before I managed to distract myself and do something else. This is unusual, homoeopathy usually manages to hold my interest for longer than this. I haven't been like this in regard to studying for years, since I was at college. 

     There was a lot of delight in the evening, and focus in doing practical things, putting on duvet covers, preparing a bean stew. 

     Still feeling very practically focused. Was happy to chop kindling for the fire, a job I never do.  

     Had a guest for supper and got on and made supper quickly and efficiently and almost effortlessly. Physical tasks are a breeze, and I am really getting into doing them well.  

  Still calm, energetic but less industrious. A little indecisive, couldn't rouse much enthusiasm for work.

  My brain doesn't seem to want to work. I can't keep track of what I'm saying. I think I feel tired.  

 Finding work more difficult, 22 children today, more difficult. Fear stressed, memory going. Feel susceptible to the children; they're getting on top of me. Want to order them and they don't want to be ordered. Feel close to losing it. I'm easily wound up, feel down, feel "God, I'm tired". (He says he feels similar to when he first started, before he was trained). 

     Found it very difficult to get down to homework. Just so much else going on. Normally I'm much more able to, just can't settle down to it. Feel pretty put out by having to do homework as well!

 Had real difficulty waking up. Did not want to go to work. Felt slightly nauseous, but mostly not caring about whether I ever got to work or not. Had 3 punctures on my bike on the way in and my chain got caught and stuck. Bad day at work with most computer systems down and having to re-write programs and schedules as emergency measure to try and get things done. In evening wasn't bothered about whether I got back or not. 

   One month after remedy I started what I call informative training. Dreams, which give me ideas and information on how to do things.  

   Sensation of things not moving fast enough. 

     Sense of annoyance and irritability a sense of too much work and not enough time to do it in. Growling and snapping at family members, but this mood is soon dispersed and I get into laughing at my attitude and myself. Wanting to work and study with a willingness to get on with things.

    Noticed I did not have a great sense of urgency to complete the tasks I had to do. Usually I work to finish things as soon as I can. 

     My attitude towards finding another job seems to be "don't worry, everything will be OK". I did look in the paper to see which agencies are offering work. I wrote down a number but I have no great sense of urgency to phone them.  

Childhood

 Child arrives at school. She is very upset because she is late - I notice how quickly she responds to my empathy with her. Today five children fall over at different times, there are lots of tears, and they are all quite young. I give lots of cuddles. And again I notice how quickly they all respond to my treatment of them. Back from lunch, I'm asked to coax a child who is hiding under the coats in the cloakroom out. After a moving 10 minutes with him he comes out and we go to stroke and hold the guinea pigs. I've worked with this child for 2 1/2 years. He told me more in that 10 minutes about how he felt that he ever has. A child comes to me sobbing - he has been punched in the stomach. I hug him and pass him over to the teacher. This is the most amount of tears I've had to deal with in a day. I'm in town shopping - a boy of about 8 comes out of a shop with his mother and says hello warmly. I'm surprised - he doesn't know me. About 10 minutes later a small girl of about 3 is walking towards me pushing a dolls pram, she smiles and waves at me! What's going on! 

 My swimming group - I get them out of the water and appeal to them to listen to me, I tell them I can't get on with the lesson unless they all listen. I explain how difficult it is if they all talk, or are calling me or just doing their own thing, and as I speak I see by their little faces that they all look very sorry for me. This amazed me, what was it about the way I was putting it over. Anyway, it held their attention and helped for the rest of the lesson. Another upset to deal with; a little adopted girl locked into silence because she'd been told off - she talks about it eventually and a few big tears run down her cheeks. I find this week that when I'm with all these children that are sad and in emotional or physical pain I'm able to be with them, to get right in there with them - but it's not pushing any buttons in me (usually it would upset me a lot as well). When I had to relay the last girl's story to someone else, my eyes filled up because she is such a sad little girl with such a heavy background. 

     The anger and injustice, sadness and fear I felt this morning were similar to those I used to feel as a child.  

 

 

Male Sexuality

 

As a child/sexual abuse

 

     Sex seems strange, not wanting it. Feeling like a child who doesn't know what it's all about, what to do, and what will happen. Apprehensive, shy and innocent in this area.  

     Strange symptoms around sex and libido either a lustful wanting or a fearful avoidance. In the latter state I feel like a child, sex is something unnerving, something I can't quite understand. I'm too young, and it makes me quite nervous. This has been followed later in the day by a strong desire.

    Lots of things have been coming up for me around sex and sexuality. Over the past two weeks lots of stuff around the Church and its suppression and punishing of sexual awareness. I've been thinking a lot of that, guilt about my feelings, about my body, about sexual enjoyment. Also shame and anger - bursts of anger at the repression of my needs and feelings as a child and young person. Lots of memories are coming up clearer now. How I was nearly expelled from school for writing to my boyfriend when I was 14 years old. How the letter was intercepted and read. I was accused of immorality, threatened with hell fire! I am feeling very sad and desperate about these past wrongs. I remember how alive and feeling and passionate a person I was. But the nuns, priests and the Church brain washed me from the age of seven. I remember too the sad and desperate feelings at 12, then onwards. I would never be good enough for God. I was a dreadful sinner to have such feelings. Yesterday when I felt strong desire for my partner, it was coupled with shame, guilt and the awful fear that I would be damned forever. I have not felt such feelings so strongly since I was 20. I told my partner I could no longer have sex with her.  

     All this sex and Catholic stuff came out again. It seems to be all around for me, a feeling that I have been so hurt and damaged sexually that I can never get well. Also stuff about sexual abuse from priests, and from a doctor too - when I was about 12/13 years old. I feel trapped in my body and its sinful desires. On the one hand, at times I feel full of rampant desire, joying in it, at others, I feel totally cold and turned off and just want to rise above it all, not have any physical contact at all, it feels too unsafe. I realize that in the past I have shut off to sex a lot, even in the act of intercourse.

     Dreams: Walk semi-naked around a suburban avenue and sit on a wall. An older woman embraces me from behind. When I realize she wants me I feel inwardly disgusted but do nothing. I become assertive and tell her to leave me alone, go away. I find some of missing clothes in her garden, hurriedly dress, but feel thwarted when she returns I go and look for my car but she has my cat too. So I say I'll be back in a while for the cat. (He says that he didn't like this dream at all, and also that it just feels important to him. He had a feeling of revulsion and of being abused.)  

 

     I didn't realize it until later, that my genitals felt shrunken - drawn into my body. 

     Libido is very low and has been for the proving. 

     No interest at all in sex. No revulsion but no interest whatsoever. 

     No sexual feelings whatsoever. 

     There has felt as if there is no tension within me at all even to the extent that there seems no point in sex.  

     Off sex. I cannot imagine what the purpose of this act is. I think I have had sex only once since the proving and that was boring. 

     Libido has been significantly reduced throughout the proving. 

 

Danger

 

     Had a terrible night of dreams didn't really sleep at all. Resolved to remember them as I woke during the night but in the morning they were gone. The only one I remember two women tied me down and cut off my genitals leaving just a mass of blood. 

     I was wondering if that's why I don't want intimacy because I want to keep others as far out of the Id as possible, because it's dangerous and animalistic and can possess people making them unpredictability violent and destructive. The unpredictability is very scary. 

 

     Feeling extremely lustful so made love with partner. 

     I want sex, I want it right now. Thinking about sex all day. 

     Thinking about sex again all day. 

 

     Amorous dreams - I wanted to hold a woman tightly but she resists and is uncomfortable. I seduce and make skillful love to another woman. 

     Dreams: At a festival in a group of people and an older woman hugs me from behind whist we are sitting.  We rock gently and slowly and rotate as if in a dance. I feel a little uncomfortable with.

Dreams: Meet older Indian woman after long absence, we kiss passionately and then I feel her breasts, she has got hard dark nipples. Also had a dream about a woman I used to fancy showing her breasts. 

 

Fellatio

 

     Slept badly. Nasty dream of a pederast seducing a young schoolboy. I was both the characters in the dream.  

     Dreams: I am with a pretty younger girl who is 17. We are behaving amorously with each other. My dad is in the house and I hide from him (a sense of being bad and doing wrong). She fellates me, which I am anxious about although enjoy it.  

    Dream of having incestuous sex with my brother, I was penetrating him, there was a strong sense of doing wrong.  

 

Sex with the dead

 

     Went to visit a friend. She goes upstairs to have a bath. I go with her and massage her and help her wash. She then dies peacefully and I carry her cold, clean body to her bed and make love to her. I have recurring thoughts about the cold, clean, marble figure of death as my lover.  

 

Violence

 

     Dreams: I am being chased and whipped by a woman who is some sort of governess. She is using the laces from her corset to whip me, which she had taken out in a really sexy way.  

     Dream about a 12-year-old mentally handicapped girl. She was singing a song in a hall in front of a hundred or so people and I was stood next to her while she did it because she was nervous.  Then later on my partner was forcing her to have sex with him in front of me and I was telling him not to because it wasn't fair because she was handicapped and 12. The dreams had a strong feeling of things not being fair for other people who couldn't stand up for themselves and me trying to stand up for them and to protect them.  

 

 

Female Sexuality

 

     Issues around sexuality have been very prominent over the past few days. Once more I have felt nervous and edgy when my partner has approached with desire. Feelings of worry, apprehension - I am not old enough for this. I don't understand it. It feels wrong. I feel childlike, only about seven years old. After coition, I have felt very vulnerable and today burst into tears after sex. 

 

     No libido at all. No interest. When we have had sex I haven't really wanted it that much and my vagina has remained dry until half way through sex. Have felt very sorry for my partner having to put up when me not wanting sex and being so lethargic and being such a horrible person.  

 

      Dreams: I was a girl in a convent school. The bathroom and shower of the building had a door opening into the church. The nuns and staff insisted on leaving the bathroom door open, there was no privacy. One of the nuns (called Chris Burns) was sadistic, very much a prison warder type, like something out of Prisoner Cell Block H. She was on a mission to break my spirit. I tried shutting the door but she kept opening it and people kept wandering in from church. I couldn't have a shower and was getting more and more desperate. Finally I could feel she wanted to see me naked in the shower. Something in me broke and I found myself hugging her. I could feel her softening. I started to cry and woke up crying. 

 

Lesbianism

 

 Dreams: I was part of an aggressive American style chat show. A lesbian was accused of having murdered her girlfriend. My partner and I were part of the show as witnesses. The style of questioning was hard and aggressive. Most of the dream concerned the questioning. I began to feel fed up and sorry for the girl who was being questioned. I wandered off with my three dogs and found myself in an old, ruined, stone building. I knew it was time to feed the dogs. I squatted down and pulled lumps of food for them out of my own vagina. Then a beautiful cat ran shyly by me. It had a bone in its mouth.

    Dreams: I was a Venezuelan woman with six children ranging in age from a baby to 25 years old. I looked different, was in my fifties. Country was in a growing of civil war situation and I was a single parent. I had to exert a strong authority on my children in order to keep order, which would enable them to be saved from the dangerous situation in the streets. One night I gave them an order, which they all refused to follow. There was an argument between my children and myself. I threatened to leave if they did not do as I asked. They told me to leave. I felt devastated and desolate. All my efforts had been in vain and had gone unrecognized. I left very distraught and sad. I waited for a bus outside the street as I waited a very attractive Irishwoman started flirting with me. I felt very uneasy and tried to shake her off. I boarded a bus.

 

Rape

 

 Dreams: I dreamt first that a revolting looking man raped me. I was in a house that I didn't know or recognize and he forced me to have sex. Later I went back to the house. He was in the bedroom and came out with a white nylon petticoat and put it on me. It had decorations, which were spangled and silvery on the top, and the hem. In the next dream I was competing to be on a TV quiz show. I had lots of questions to answer before the show began. There was snow outside. First I answered all the questions. Then the woman who asked the questions made it purposefully difficult for me - she asked me lots of questions about recipes and cookery which I couldn't answer. 

 Dreams: More dreams of sex. Monday night I dreamt I got off with Grant Mitchell from Easterners. I hardly ever have sexual dreams normally. 

 Dreams: I went up to a window, which was misty. A man's face appeared at it, it was Bill Clinton (US President). I stuck up my middle finger to him as if telling him to 'piss off'. He asked me nicely not to do that to him and said I'd got the wrong person. I apologized and said I thought he was another man who'd been hassling my sister and trying to come onto her. I felt protective towards my sister and angry with this man, I wanted to tell him where to go.

 

  Dreamt last night about a woman with a beard it was beige, and looked soft. She shaved it off and had stubble on her face, I found it quite freaky. 

 

Dream of expressing milk from my right breast.

Dream about having an affair with a vicar, although all that happened was we were seen together walking holding hands. 

 Dreamt that I was with an ex-boyfriend with whom I did not enjoy sex and that I was walking along the street with him thinking that I would like to be asexual. 

 

 

Intellectual

 

Clarity

 

I have wonderful clarity of mind, too, and my eyesight is still good. 

Clear headed, thinking and communicating clearly. Strong and flexible with a sense of my boundaries and what is right, correct and proper. I don't feel inflexible. 

Capacity to understand and clarity of mind.  

 Feelings seem to be felt clearly and strongly, unmuted and very defined. Emotions are moving very quickly, not skimmed over, but they are inside me, deeply felt, then it is as if they shimmer, shift and change, flow on.  

 I reflect and think how clear my mind seems, even though I haven't felt physically well, my mind has been sharply attentive. 

Mind stays clear all day - I feel very rounded and sure of what I'm doing and thinking.  

Still want to focus on the matter at hand as I see it- very focused. 

Increased clarity of purpose and vision.  

Sensation of calm, focused, clear concentration.  

I feel very much clearer in mind and in reason - very connected, decisive, clear and well motivated, able to put points strongly and clearly. Also much better able to listen, follow arguments and lines of thought and make good and strong deductions.   

Very clear thinking.  

Mood good all day, felt relaxed and mellow, easy camaraderie with other members of the group. Good concentration and focus.

 

Speech feels slow and deliberate, and very exact in a quiet and weighty way.

    Slow. Inability to focus, forgetful.  

    I didn't lose concentration through all this; I listened carefully to the case. 

    Slow and steady and connected feeling. All my actions, even the smallest gestures, seem deliberate and precise. Almost as if the smallest movement is imbued with significance. 

    Similarly with words. I feel as if I speak only when it is important to speak. No wastage. Yet I don't feel serious inside. Something is dancing inside me - LIFE, and it feels strong, solid, vital and secure. Very trustworthy - all my blood and bone, tried and true, bold and peaceful too.  

     Today has been fine. I feel like I've got a lot to think about a the moment - I need to be reflective. I'm not sure where exactly my thoughts are leading but it just seems really important to be able to take a time to sit and think. In some ways this all seems quite intense, there is heaviness to it. It does not feel light-hearted or superficial.  

     Want to say what is on my mind, have my thoughts organized and want to get them out in that order without interruption.

     Very difficult to speak - words wrong way round. Also typing wrong words (normally a good typist!).  

     Can't remember what's been happening - short-term memory dire!  

      Difficult to connect words and thoughts and get out what I want to say. 

     Still losing things.  

     Can't judge state - nothing to gauge it by.  

     Today was an awful day. I have had terrible difficulty studying. I'd set the time aside to do it and wanted to do it. I just couldn't. I was studying a remedy. It is like I have totally forgotten how to do it. I felt really lost with it all; I just don't feel like I can do it. Rationally I know that I can, it just isn't coming to me. 

     Is forgetting names, peoples, and other things, such as objects like a photocopier. 

     I've noticed that I don't seem to be absorbing what my husband is telling me. I'm not remembering what he's said about where he's going and what he's doing. I'm losing track mid sentence, not bothering to keep a train of thought going - I drift off - but this only seems to happen with him. 

     I have been incredibly distractible. Examples - Making a pot of tea and forgetting about it entirely, or leaving my cup of tea in another room. (A lot of the absent-mindedness is in relation to tea) Finding myself standing in the middle of a room wondering what I am doing there. 

 Walking or driving down the wrong road because I have not thought to turn off: Stopping in mid-sentence and going blank, or being, distracted by something else - partner has complained of this a lot. Being late, (I am never late usually). I think it is more about being distracted than absent minded although there is an element of both. There is, however, nothing wrong with my memory as such. 

     Absentmindedly walking down a road and just walking, having no idea where I am going I'm just continuing. Once I've started off in one direction I forget about making any turns or alterations to other direction. 

     Forgetting what I am talking about in the middle of a sentence and going blank.  

     I am very forgetful, keep putting things down in the wrong place and can't find them. E.g. dropped garage key on grass after doing re-cycling! Forgot daughter's friend coming home with us on Monday, but bumped into her in school.  

     Went through about a week of poor memory, for what I was doing, what I was about to do, what I did yesterday. Thoughts just completely vanished and I couldn't hook them back. I'd be midway to the bedroom and not remember why I was going there. Also poor concentration, especially when listening. 

     Forget what people tell me. Thoughts just vanish.  

     Normally my delight is in music, colors, art, poetry and all that is associated with right brain activity or the female side. Now it is quite the opposite. I read avidly, watch science programs on TV, listen to radio serious talks and enjoy mind-teasing games. I feel a need for accumulating as much information as possible on various subjects, some of which I was never really interested in before. It is a great feeling. I feel as if the universe is a very entertaining place for it offers a lot of material to be amazed by. My mind therefore is quite hungry for knowledge. What surprise me is that I am becoming interested in scientific subjects.  

 

 

Generals

 

Heavy feeling in my body, similar to the one I experienced at beginning of proving. There was no feeling of pressure or tension. Noticed it most in my legs.  

 Don't feel so good today, feel heavier in my body and not ready for the day.  

     A feeling of not being in myself. Unfocused. Tearful, slightly trembling as if on low sugar or under shock. Slight nausea, right side headache. 

 

     It was hard to run this morning - I felt so solid and earthbound. Normally I have a long, loping stride, but I felt I had stubby little legs and I had to chug along.  

     Didn't manage to get out for a walk, felt a bit low because of it. 

     No desire to do any exercise, yet one time when I really forced myself to do some, my energy was unbelievable, it was a very hard work out that would usually have pledged may even when exercising regularly. 

 

     I saw what looks like the interior of the body - tubes and canals with junction-like joins, almost like an interior motorway.