Understanding Hydrogenium

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo M.D. F.F.Hom. (Lon.) et al.

From the prover’s point of view, the environment might have changed. But in fact, from the Hydrogenium’s patient own point of view, it has never changed. He had always looked to reality through this distorted perspective. That’s the “beginning” of his personal perspective of the world. He never ever had looked reality as if it was somehow different from the way it is. It has always been that very special way. He looks and perceives reality as if he could see the full picture of the universe, of existence itself. For him our general dimensional way is so far too short, mingled with only daily aspects of life. Hydrogenium understands life, the universe, God, religion in a more complex and large vision. But as the proving says, this personal  perception will only bring paranoia, mental derangement and disease. 

Why? Because he is now lost in a different dimension. His sensations and impressions about reality are all mingled with strange notions about time and place, about his body and his connection with it.

It dawned on me that it was as if there was a shift in the universe. 

 The general impression is that the prover entered a larger totality/dimension in terms of space and time, whereupon all previous or smaller totalities became trivial and alien.  A conflict of understanding and behavior arose. 

 Distortion of reality -- that other places seemed a million times more real than the real world.  Everything seemed a long way away. 

 I feel I have moved into a different state of consciousness and there aren't any guiding posts or means of navigation -- a bit like being lost in space. 

 Feeling of visiting another dimension and having to come back here and its all the same as it was before. 

Hydrogenium has outbursts of Love, Benevolence, he experienced a religious outburst of love for mankind, of being in the presence of a divine entity and we should have these aspects associated with his religious behaviors and beliefs.

Falling in love on a very deep level. 

 I felt so much love I didn't know how to focus it.  It’s like being in another state of consciousness.  No one can come near and it’s frightening me. 

 I felt I could see more deeply into people -- beyond the roles they were playing. 

 Elation -- too much good feeling in my heart, I felt overflowing.  Wanted to be with family and friends. 

 Felt benevolent -- wanted to do something for someone else.  Went out and spent a lot of money on food which I then gave to old people. 

 During the proving, developed a true sympathy for the weakness of others. 

But we must rest assured that this soon will turns into insanity, he is going out of his mind. The text says:

My mind turned to the Buddha.  It was like seeing the complete picture instead of fragmented bits.  (These primary effects lasted about 28 days, then changing to a paranoia state). 

He is talking about God, he dreamed that he is a Buddhist and he turned himself to Christianity. All those aspects in the Hydrogenium process of insanity are following a very clear path.

His reclusion, anger and an increasing difficulty to be connected to people will take him to seclusion and madness.

There are some descriptions on how the Hydrogenium mind will derange: He is first spaced-out, as if he was not in his body; hovering, vacant “working on automat”.

As if in a dream, not there, difficult to stay with it all while driving home -- very conscious of the blackbirds flying across the motorway.  Better taking a nap and fresh air from opening the window.  Concomitant to finger abscess. 

 In the morning, had to lie on my back on the floor -- lost myself for twenty minutes. 

 Wife observed that he seemed dreamy. 

This is associated with “swings of mood”. Altogether with his seclusion, the patient will experience extreme alternations and variations of mood.

About two months after beginning the proving, developed an extreme range of mental symptoms that he had never had before.  These included severe depression with strong alternations of moods, ~high then low~, with suicidal tendency, desire to jump from a high building or cut wrist, confusion of identity (especially concerning sex and homosexuality) and became more religious. He moved away from his parents home (which he had never before been able to do) and shut himself away in a small flat.  This condition lasted for another six or seven months and was finally antidoted by Phosphorus 200.  Before that, he had tried to antidote it with acupuncture, to no avail. 

I felt I had gone mad, possessed, hysterical laughter, singing and a feeling of non-reality, as if in a dream, out of the body -- like my mind went out of the window.  High one minute and then low.  People asked if I was on speed.  After seven hours, in the evening (7:30p.m.) the feeling changed to an angry mood and very irritable with a dry furry mouth, my left eye twitched, sensation of a large lump in the left nostril and a constant piercing headache in the center of the skull. 

Altogether with these strange notions about reality, he is anxious, restless and in a haste, mostly due to sensation of imminent change, or as “before a visit to the dentist”. Panic at little things or small decisions to be made. Impatient, can’t keep still.

Feel tired and slightly anxious -- aware of my heart beating sort of feeling. 

 Extremely nervous while playing bridge. Began to shake all over -- lost my nerve and bid badly. 

 Marked tendency to panic at little things that go wrong or small decisions to be made. 

 Feeling of nervous apprehension as if before a visit to the dentist or the excitement before going on holiday, with butterflies in the stomach. 

On the other hand, he is angry, irritable and throwing it against the others. He wants to be alone, averse to everyone, he doesn’t want to see nobody.

The instant I woke I felt angry, felt like throwing the clock at the wall. Didn't feel like talking to anyone and felt a desire to kick the furniture -- seemed the only way to let my anger out. 

 Charged around like a bull in a china shop. 

 I was shouting down the phone, but dead quiet with friends.  I thought "Why are they talking?  They haven't anything to say".  I was very sarcastic. 

Another aspect of his insanity is that his anger towards the others is gradually changing into a murderer behavior:

I am aware of some ridiculous thoughts coming into my mind, odd unconnected sentences such as about killing a 13-year-old girl. 

 Thoughts of death -- thoughts went back to doing dissection as a medical student. 

 Dream that I was at work and saw the technician wire up the floor wrongly.  He turned on the switch and electrocuted everyone.  They all died.  I ran to the mains switch and we tried to put everyone back together.  When I woke up, I thought it had really happened.  I was frightened and shocked.  It frightened the living daylights out of me. 

 A frightening dream that someone I knew was in prison accused of a violent crime -- murder -- which I had witnessed.  Another innocent person had also been accused.  I had to decide if to tell the truth and send the person I knew to jail or to keep silence due to my fear of him and allow the innocent person to suffer.  I wanted to tell the truth, but was afraid and, therefore, wanted to avoid the issue and run away.  The police wanted me as a witness and it was likely I would be incriminated. 

 Horrible dream of killings, murders and suicides, all vaguely connected with me. It seemed to last for hours and recurred after waking at 3:00 a.m.  

There are some aspects of his sexuality mentioned in the text. But it seems that is only confusion about his identity, some consequences born in his questionings on “who I am, what I’m doing here. What is here?” 

Male homosexuality, bisexuality and aversion to his masculine side are present in the proving. To compensate this, he is stressing his feminine side.

Feel like a crippled old man. 

 Don't want to move at all -- want to be still and warm and lie around in a heap all day.  like what it must feel to be old.  I do feel old. 

 Feel helpless, as if I may need to be looked after because I don't feel I can do anything. 

"Oh God, what shall I do?  Where do things go from here?  What way shall I go? Feel I'm cracking up".  Emotional confusion.  Try to find a path to be happy, but unsure of what I'm doing.

 Sexual desire for men (in a man). 

 Developed an aversion to the idea of sex -- confused about sexual issues and identity.  Became aware of being bi-sexual or homosexual (in a man).  "I want to find out who I am.  I should know at 23.  I used to know.  What am I sexually?" Very confused.  This led to suicidal depression. 

 Feelings of vulnerability and anxiety about being masculine, both in looks and in behavior/roles. Hope it doesn't get more.  To counteract this, I have been stressing the feminine. I spent lots of money on silk clothing and spent a lot of time making myself up, curling hair, etc.  People comment that I look softer, but I feel harder inside.  I feel confused about my sexual identity.  This is in contrast to my previous proving of the remedy, when people commented that my moustache disappeared, and breasts grew. 

 I've been looking at other men in a sexual light. 

There are, mentioned in the text, aspects of his lack of confidence during exams or even towards the others when he addresses to them:

Persistent thoughts about whether I would pass exams.  Tried to let it go, but it was difficult. 

 Insecurity and self-doubt.

 Feel a bit depressed and frustrated by present circumstances.  Feel like the unappreciated victim. 

 Felt vulnerable to criticism -- felt people were getting at me.  Felt people were not taking notice of poor little me -- over-reacting -- upset and hurt. 

Further in his life, Hydrogenium is sad, weepy, bored and indifferent. Hopeless, depressed and he doesn’t care. He wants to give up, “I’d like to die”.

 At the family celebration, I could not feel that I belonged. 

 Upset husband by telling him what I thought of the way he'd been behaving.  I felt curiously uninvolved.  Indifference to husband.  Felt a little 'dead', uninvolved, wasn't really responding in any way -- not in a good way or a bad way.  Didn't feel cross, affectionate or anything.  Very peculiar, like I was watching and its nothing to do with me.  Like looking at somebody else, almost as if I wasn't there.  Felt emotionally numb and unable to respond -- as if I wasn't there.  Like a living dead being alive and not being able to make the appropriate responses. Real total detachment. 

 Feel a blanket of depression over me. 

 Did not want to get out of bed in the morning but felt better for getting out and moving around. 

 Felt distant and detached. 

And in the end:

There are many paranoid aspects in Hydrogenium’s mind. Many descriptions were produced by the provers - like being poisoned, the idea that no one likes him, suspicious, feeling detached from the others and paranoid, a sensation that people are “playing games with him” - many other symptoms are describing the remedy sensation toward the others.

Paranoid feeling with cold perspiration. 

 Feel I can't trust anyone -- 'paranoia'. 

 I felt mistrust, suspicion and paranoia. 

 A spark of a paranoid thought -- "maybe I'm being poisoned. 

While sitting in a restaurant, felt progressively more cut off from friends at the table.  I began to feel detached and paranoid.  I felt disliked by people. They seemed to look at me menacingly.  I became concerned that my lecture this afternoon had created conflict, mayhem and destruction, that my friends in the audience did not like me anymore.  I became aware of a dull ache in my sacrum making me want to shift backwards and forwards.  At the same time, the people round the table seemed further away and smaller, as if I had moved four feet back from the table.  I felt very uncomfortable and wanted to get out.  I put my head down and rushed out without saying goodbye, feeling a sense of relief at getting away (all very unusual for me).  Outside, I felt relief and my mind cleared and I walked home alone. 

 I think that no one likes me.  I felt betrayed and everything went haywire*.

*out of control

 I think I'm dangerous to people and they can't cope with me. 

 

Groups in Hydrogenium

Symptoms from the Jeremy Sherr Proving

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo, M.D., F.F.Hom. (Lon.)

With the Environment

A different reality

It dawned on me that it was as if there was a shift in the universe. 

 Everything feels lighter and more clear. 

 I felt slightly high, removed from reality, yet very alert, clear and calm.  Very aware of the colour of the sky, the light, birds singing, flowers -- like a pastoral ideal.  Feeling of expansiveness, mentally cool, airy and light. 

 The general impression is that the prover entered a larger totality/dimension in terms of space and time, whereupon all previous or smaller totalities became trivial and alien.  A conflict of understanding and behaviour arose. 

 Distortion of reality -- that other places seemed a million times more real than the real world.  Everything seemed a long way away. 

 I feel I have moved into a different state of consciousness and there aren't any guiding posts or means of navigation -- a bit like being lost in space. 

 Feeling of visiting another dimension and having to come back here and its all the same as it was before. 

I felt an incredible clarity before and now I feel it may all have been a illusion.  I am uncertain, don't know how I am anymore.  I don't recognize what is happening.  It's as if I have made a step into the unknown.  I feel I'm in an unknown area without protection. Fear is the biggest limitation. 

 The whole environment I am in feels wrong now as if my life doesn't fit anymore. 

 Depressed -- like seeing a window open and unable to go through it. 

 Dream of hoovering carpets and dirty beds in a large flat. 

 Delusion -- saw black masses. 

 I thought I could see energy moving around in the air.  Colours looked bright and everything looked beautiful. 

 Feel that the things we do are on different levels.  Some of them are on higher and more meaningful levels -- the real me -- and others are just a trivial game. Laughing at the absurdity of notions -- everything seems ridiculous. 

Moving

 Moved from parent's house. 

 Three months after starting the proving the prover moved house. 

 Overwhelming desire to be in the country. 

Awkward

Clumsy and knocked things over more than usual. 

 Cut finger and hurt fingernail in boot of car.

 Accident prone at work -- Robot picked up his hand and I forgot to switch it off. 

 Drove a splinter into the nail of third finger of the right hand. 

Insects

Thought there was a large insect, a locust*, on the back of my head and put up my hand to check. *gafanhoto

 Sensation as if something is crawling on my head.  Checked for lice, but can't find any. 

 Dreamed about constructing a clamp out of bones and fitting it over a camel's snout before it woke up. 

Conscience/Nature 

 Horrific dream about sick cows wasting away with a sort of "cattle aids".  I had an awful, sinking, helpless, end-of-the-world feeling. 

 Dream that I was a sailor on a ship in wartime.  A woman has died, is laid out all wrapped up.  We move her, but on the way she starts moving and talking. 

 Revolting dream of ordering crepes with baby rabbits and kittens inside.  The tiny animals were whole and live in tomato sauce, but only moving a little.  I managed to finish my plateful as it tasted good, but it revolted me and I was relieved to finish, but my horror returned when my friend came in with a plate of the same which I had to help her eat.  My revulsion became worse when one of the kittens clung to my hand.  This dream occurred after feeling self-conscious about eating meat-filled crepes the previous night. 

Dream of the day before Christmas, the railway line past the bottom of the garden, trying to catch the last train to Scotland.  One minute to go - - trying to pack and get dressed, throwing everything into a case.  Still dark outside -- deep snow everywhere. 

 Dream of colours -- blue seas. 

 Dreams of colours. 

High places

Dream of swinging on a pendulum with my mother on my back.  I instructed her on what to do if we had to jump.  She managed to climb down from the scaffolding, but I could not. 

 Dream of mother flying a microlight round the world. 

 Wierd dream of three acrobats (or monkeys) swinging from trapezes.  The one that was me was quite erotic, calling '16, 16' at every swing.  It curtailed with sexual excitement which woke me. 

 Dream of trying to escape on an aeroplane by stowing away from underneath. 

 Two men were jumping twenty feet in the air from one level to another of an old concrete building.  They were squatting down and leaping up like a hare or a rabbit.  People were flying off roof tops like birds.  They were telling me I could do it too, but I was sceptical. 

Money

 Exciting and melodramatic dream of robbing a bank with two other women, pockets stuffed with $20 notes -- buying 1/4 pound of mushrooms and not having enough change in my purse.  Offering $20 note, but not sure because the number might be checked.  One of my fellow robbers reassured me -- we did it on Friday evening so it won't have been discovered yet. 

 Involved dreams about money and counting and stashing large quantities of money. 

 Anxiety about money and fear of poverty.

Humor

Incredibly happy

 Mood better in the evening -- more cheerful and positive. 

 Feels quite elated and bouncy. 

 Felt extremely good in spirits and health on waking. 

 Woke up feeling incredibly happy. 

 Husband commented that prover was more buoyant than for some time. 

 Great exhilaration -- was singing and joking with the children.  Even husband's anger did not dampen my enthusiasm. 

 Feel happy and bubbly inside while lying in bed. 

 Felt exhilarated. 

 Laughing -- thinking of and seeing balloons. 

 Everything seems funny.  Laughed at serious things. 

 Funny mood at lunchtime. 

 Things seem ridiculous and amusing, ordinary things like birds.  Laughing at them.  Everything seemed so absurd or futile. 

 Laughter wicked and voice seemed low. 

 Singing all morning and then laughing until I cry. 

 Tried to talk to someone who is afraid of dying and I wanted to laugh.  Thought I shouldn't talk to anybody in case I laugh. 

 Silly mood at 2:00a.m. , not tired. 

Relaxed, calm and clear

Feel relaxed, like a jellyfish -- no bones in my body. 

 At night, felt relaxed and in an elated mood. 

 Mood changed at 12:45a.m., to a peaceful mood -- exactly one day and 12 hours after first hit of high mood. 

 Feel relaxed and calm -- much more positive. 

 After the proving, feeling more peaceful and relaxed. 

 Generally feeling well.  People said she looked well. 

 Spirits uplifted by wonderful weather.  Felt strong, positive and adventurous. 

 Two months after beginning the proving, I feel more positive and self confident than before.  Relationship has ended, but inside I feel stronger than for a long time.

 Felt good this morning -- sense of well-being.

 Fellow students commented that I looked more relaxed, even 'radiant'. 

 After the proving, I have felt less impatient, hurried and irritable. 

More positive over the last week.  I feel as though something has let go inside -- more relaxed.  I have been able to let go of my relationship - - feels much better.  I have been able to get more done.  I feel better with myself.  With my relationship, It feels as though an inner conflict has been resolved. 

 Happier, more able to deal with negative thoughts and level of health and energy generally improved. 

 Full of calm, energy and I feel quite contented. 

 Felt extremely good in spirits and health on waking. 

 Felt clearer and more determined about her writing life.  She felt she was getting her life together. 

 Feel positive on waking.  Desire to reorganize house. 

Anxiety

Feel tired and slightly anxious -- aware of my heart beating sort of feeling. 

 Extremely nervous while playing bridge.  Began to shake all over -- lost my nerve and bid badly. 

 Slightly worried. 

 Anxiety about not studying, with weepy feeling. 

 Marked tendency to panic at little things that go wrong or small decisions to be made. 

 Usual tendency to bite and tear thumbs much better (curative). 

 Apprehension with a feeling of imminent change. 

 Feeling of nervous apprehension as if before a visit to the dentist or the excitement before going on holiday, with butterflies in the stomach. 

In a haste

 It felt as if I had been very busy at night. 

 Doing everything faster -- driving faster than usual. 

 Doing things in a rush in the afternoon. 

 During fever, mind working in a kind of frantic haste -- a sense of panic. 

 Less procrastination than usual (curative). 

 I felt better when driving the car fast with company and loud music. 

 I became silly and manic, rushing around. 

 Restless

While talking, restless, impatient and ill at ease, as if wanting to leave. 

 Felt intensely restless as if would burst out of myself. 

 Feeling of intense restlessness when sitting down, with throbbing feet and nausea. 

 Very difficult to keep still -- impatient. 

Slower than usual

 Walking slower than usual. 

 I feel quite resentful about having to hurry. 

 My general reactions are slow and I feel a slowness, a lack of desire to do things in a hurry.  While speaking on the telephone, didn't realize the other person was waiting for an answer, so that there were gaps. 

 Moving slower than usual. 

 Felt quite happy driving in friend's car which is slow and heavy and had been driving me crazy before the proving. 

 Feel very up and happy, although slowed down. 

Loquacious

Caught myself talking to myself. 

 Loquacious. 

 Felt good despite poor sleep.  Felt chatty, open to people and more relaxed.

 At college my colleagues were surprised to hear me offering my views on things. A couple of people said "What has happened to you?  You haven't said anything for four years and now you are talking openly". 

Sighing and weeping

 Sighing a lot, needing air -- restlessness. 

 Sighing a lot.  Disconsolate feeling.  Sighing deeply. 

 Felt very weepy before my exams, and very low after.  Wanted to be left alone in my lowness, not my usual exhilaration and chatter on how it all went.  Even refused to join others in the pub. 

 Feeling weepy and vulnerable -- want someone to "manage" things for me.  Feel so fed up of having to do it all myself. 

 Cried a lot -- generally feeling rough with loss of appetite – heart pounding and sunk feeling in abdomen though I can't eat. 

Indifference and boredom

 Very bored all the time, depression, have to force myself to enjoy myself. Haven't had a laugh for a long time. 

 Indifference, despair and hopelessness-- no way out. 

 Apathetic. 

 A feeling of boredom and depression at 10:00p.m. , whilst in company – very distressful.   I didn't talk at all, friends thought something had greatly upset me. 

 Felt as if I couldn't be bothered to breathe deeply or talk to anyone – felt cut off. 

 Feel despondent, indifferent, apathetic, separated from things and don't care. Deep sighing with sense of resignation.  Can't be bothered to do things. 

 Silent, morose and introverted, with headache.

 Not nearly as talkative as usual --just sitting and listening. 

Depression

 Feel a blanket of depression over me. 

 Felt less high, dull and happy to sit around. 

 Did not want to get out of bed in the morning, but felt better for getting out and moving around. 

 In the morning felt flat, low and fed up and wanted to lie in bed with eyes closed.  id not want to read in bed. 

 On getting up in the morning, I feel very angry and bad about myself. I feel I can't cope.  What’s the use of trying?  I feel like giving up.  I think for a moment I'd like to die. 

Dreamy

 As if in a dream, not there, difficult to stay with it all while driving home -- very conscious of the blackbirds flying across the motorway.  Better taking a nap and fresh air from opening the window.  Concomitant to finger abscess. 

 In the morning, had to lie on my back on the floor -- lost myself for twenty minutes. 

 Wife observed that he seemed dreamy. 

Irritability

Inclined to feel short-tempered and irritable with the continuing headache. 

 Irritable with the pain. 

 Growing irritability.  Anger below the surface if something is on the floor in my way or if something goes wrong. 

 Got quite cross with dog which wouldn't go into the river for a stick -- so I pushed it in. 

 Feel anger below the surface.  Don't know about what.  What's the point? 

 When having to do something for someone, felt irritable. 

 The instant I woke I felt angry, felt like throwing the clock at the wall. Didn't feel like talking to anyone and felt a desire to kick the furniture -- seemed the only way to let my anger out. 

 Charged around like a bull in a china shop. 

 My husband came home aggressive -- I felt really angry at first and then depressed about it.  I seem to have lost the guards I've built up over the years and feel it all as if new. 

 Felt very irritable going to bed.  Couldn't sleep for ages -- felt angry and frustrated. 

 Feel irritable.  Feeling of being put upon, with a desire to be left alone and not spoken to. 

 I'm irritable from the strong smell of vinegar. 

 Stormy and acrimonious row with girlfriend. Quarrelling continued throughout the day. A rather niggly and irritable mood crept up on me without explanation. 

 Had a friend to stay and lost my temper with her at lunchtime. 

 I was shouting down the phone, but dead quiet with friends.  I thought "Why are they talking?  They haven't anything to say".  I was very sarcastic. 

 Surprised how much less I react back to husband when he is angry -- not needing to respond (curative). 

 Nothing seems funny or joyful. 

 I'm not feeling playful. 

 I felt irritated and cross. 

 Emotionally cold and non-communicable with anger felt in stomach. 

 I feel nicely balanced, more able to think in the now.  I am generally more self-centred, less irritable and confused. Things are more in perspective (curative). 

 Looking back over the last few days, I coped with a lot of pressure really calmly (curative). 

 Although feeling very tired, not feeling irritable or snappy as usually would when tired (curative). 

 Felt emotionally 'stretched out', but calm.  Irritations don't make me so cross. The 'stretchiness' absorbed the daily irritations -- they didn't peak up enough to a point where 

 Dwells on past disagreeable occurrences. 

 Anguish. 

 Dream of acting cool and suppressing my emotions.  Had a headache in the dream and woke up with a headache. 

I feel life is a serious thing.  When putting children to bed, I felt serious and uncompromising.  I wanted them to do exactly as I said and, if not, threatened to hit them. 

 I'm afraid to go out because I think I frighten people. 

Swings of mood

  Experiencing swings of mood from one extreme to the other. 

 About two months after beginning the proving, developed an extreme range of mental symptoms that he had never had before.  These included severe depression with strong alternations of moods, ~high then low~, with suicidal tendency, desire to jump from a high building or cut wrist, confusion of identity (especially concerning sex and homosexuality ) and became more religious. He moved away from his parents home (which he had never before been able to do) and shut himself away in a small flat.  This condition lasted for another six or seven months and was finally antidoted by Phosphorus 200.  Before that, he had tried to antidote it with acupuncture, to no avail. 

 I felt I had gone mad, possessed, hysterical laughter, singing and a feeling of non-reality, as if in a dream, out of the body -- like my mind went out of the window.  High one minute and then low.  People asked if I was on speed.  After seven hours, in the evening (7:30p.m.) the feeling changed to an angry mood and very irritable with a dry furry mouth, my left eye twitched, sensation of a large lump in the left nostril and a constant piercing headache in the centre of the skull. 

With Oneself

Spaced out

 I can honestly say I'll never be the same again -- a bit like having a baby. Amazing how my whole perception seems to have altered one degree, which makes everything different. 

 Feeling spacey, lightheaded. 

 Feeling of being out of reality. 

 Felt numb and spaced out. 

 Started to feel spaced out --felt high, alert, centred and relaxed – together with wobbly feeling in stomach. 

 I feel a bit unreal -- like taking drugs -- a wierd spaced-outness.  The top of my head feels very clear -- seeing and hearing clear and remote, but from the sinus  down, I feel muzzy and warm. 

 Driving home I felt odd, as if I was hardly in my body.  Feel like my body's working on automatic but I'm not really there.  Driving along I kept forgetting where I was.  Now I feel I'm really more "absent" than normal and feel quite afraid of losing my mind or having an accident.  I feel my connection with the physical world is very loose, as though my soul was separated from my body.  I have thoughts that this is a bit like dying -- not unpleasant. 

 Sometimes I think there isn't much of me left anymore -- as if I left myself behind ages ago. 

 A feeling that I am being pulled downwards. 

 A hovering numbness hit with a sensation that my mind was being pulled from the top of the head downwards, like internal pressure being pulled down inside of me -- as after a fright.  Incredible sensation. 

 Feel as if I may have blown the proving because I can't switch in to being normal. 

 Generally felt dazed and vacant, together with acute hearing. 

 Feel more patient and accepting during my period.  When water poured through the ceiling from an over-full bath, I just sat there and let it flood the floor because I didn't want to disturb the cat sitting on my knee. 

In presence of Buddha/Religious

 I felt in the presence of a totally pure energy, like meeting God and feeling totally unworthy or like meeting a lover and feeling unworthy -- realizing all the mistakes of a lifetime.  This pure energy was around for some time protecting me.  I feel this unification cleared out lifetimes of symptomatology for me.  The joining with this energy was as if a male energy joined with me sexually, but with no desire, pleasure or pain involved.  This unification with the male energy lasted quite a few days -- I'm not used to seeing myself as a man.  The morning after this unifying with the higher presence, I collapsed in emotional overflow.  All my grief and pain came out.  I was doubled upon the floor and went into a deep state of catharsis.  It is not possible to describe where I went as there are no concepts applicable.  I felt overflowing love for humanity and wanted to give everything away.  My mind turned to the Buddha.  It was like seeing the complete picture instead of fragmented bits.  (These primary effects lasted about 28 days, then changing to a paranoia state). 

 There is a very fine line at this time between enlightenment and insanity – a split consciousness.  The dark side is horrendous, but the positive side of the proving has been well worth it.  The positive aspects are beautiful. It’s a shame we need to come down. I guess the price of going into the heavens is a trip to hell. 

 Turned to Christianity in which he had never had interest before. 

 Talking to God about the state of my heart and asking for it to be healed. 

 Greatly increased tendency to theorize and philosophise, especially concerning esoteric matters. 

 Dream of being in a Buddhist prayer palace learning to be a prayer leader. 

A crippled old man

Feel like a crippled old man. 

 Don't want to move at all -- want to be still and warm and lie around in a heap all day.  like what it must feel to be old.  I do feel old. 

 Feel helpless, as if I may need to be looked after because I don't feel I can do anything. 

 Wrote a letter to my son, 'to be opened after my death', not morbid, nor do I feel a premonition of death.  Its something I've always meant to do -- a sort of resolving.  Wept with emotion as I wrote it. 

 Feel grubby* even after a shower. 

*Melado, sujo, cheio de vermes

Self-doubt

 Persistent thoughts about whether I would pass exams.  Tried to let it go, but it was difficult. 

 Insecurity and self doubt. 

 Confidence improved before and during teaching (curative). 

 In the afternoon (during the full moon) I felt low and depressed, insecure and vulnerable.  Could not cope with work load and didn't want to be alone. 

 Felt extremely ill at ease and embarrassed when spoken to by male hairdresser.

In groups, not feeling the need to show to myself that I was 'in' or involved in the group and not feeling the need to assert myself or to show off to such an extent. 

 Resigned myself to not having finished college homework.(Normaly panicks) REMARK[She might normally have been panic stricken about it. 

 Developed a self pitying, very tearful depression through the morning.  I was unable to communicate any of these feelings and this led to a fierce row with girlfriend. 

 Feel a bit depressed and frustrated by present circumstances.  Feel like the unappreciated victim. 

 Felt vulnerable to criticism -- felt people were getting at me.  Felt people were not taking notice of poor little me -- over-reacting -- upset and hurt. 

"Oh God, what shall I do?  Where do things go from here?  What way shall I go? Feel I'm cracking up".  Emotional confusion.  Try to find a path to be happy, but unsure of what I'm doing. 

 Irresolution about what she is going to do with her life. 

Being larger x smaller

 Sensation of being larger. 

 Thought or vision that I was taller or stronger than I was. 

 Sensation of being smaller than normal, while making porridge. 

Fear

 During palpitations, extreme fear -- thought I was having a heart attack. Frightened the living daylights out of me. 

 Fear felt in the stomach. 

 Fear I may lose my mind, or even die.  Fear about the proving.  Feel I could bash the car so I have to make a real effort. 

 Apprehensive, panicky, with cold sweat on palms.  Feel extremely vulnerable emotionally -- like an egg that has just broken.  Frightened, anything can happen. 

 Fear that someone was trying to find out if I was home so that they could come and rape and murder me. 

 Dream that the mole I have beside my nose grew much larger and I was afraid I'd have to cut it out.  In the dream the mole was on the right side of my face.  In reality, its on the left.

Towards the Others

Love, benevolence and charity

 Falling in love on a very deep level. 

 I felt so much love I didn't know how to focus it.  Its like being in another state of consciousness.  No one can come near and its frightening me. 

 I felt I could see more deeply into people -- beyond the roles they were playing. 

 Less nervous with strangers (curative). 

 Elation -- too much good feeling in my heart, I felt overflowing.  Wanted to be with family and friends. 

 Felt benevolent -- wanted to do something for someone else.  Went out and spent a lot of money on food which I then gave to old people. 

 During the proving, developed a true sympathy for the weakness of others. 

 I feel more in touch with people, more sympathetic to the rest of the world. Feel more understanding. 

 While talking to friends, felt less weighed down by their problems.  I feel less absorbed into people, more able to let go of things that bother me.  (cured symptom). 

 More charitable and sympathetic than usual. 

 Generous in my feelings towards my husband. 

Want to be alone

 Desire to be alone. 

 Feeling I want to isolate myself -- want to be alone. 

 Feel that I could get on with everything alright if those around me would either leave me alone or help constructively. 

 Desire to be alone. 

 Aversion to being touched. 

 I feel I need to stay in bed because I can't face seeing anyone.  A very strong feeling to be alone and do nothing.  Feel averse to everyone and everything. 

 Dreamed of a man she had been involved with in the past -- felt she wanted to rid herself of him.  Dreamed of wearing many layers of clothes. 

Started thinking of ways people could help me, rather than me them all the time. 

Dead bodies, killing and suicide

Thoughts of dead bodies made me feel slightly sick. 

 I am aware of some ridiculous thoughts coming into my mind, odd unconnected sentences such as about killing a 13 year old girl. 

 The remedy "made me think of formaldehyde and dead things". 

 Thoughts of death -- thoughts went back to doing dissection as a medical student. 

 Dream that I was at work and saw the technician wire up the floor wrongly.  He turned on the switch and electrocuted everyone.  They all died.  I ran to the mains switch and we tried to put everyone back together.  When I woke up, I thought it had really happened.  I was frightened and shocked.  It frightened the living daylights out of me. 

 A frightening dream that someone I knew was in prison accused of a violent crime -- murder -- which I had witnessed.  Another innocent person had also been accused.  I had to decide if to tell the truth and send the person I knew to jail or to keep silence due to my fear of him and allow the innocent person to suffer.  I wanted to tell the truth, but was afraid and, therefore, wanted to avoid the issue and run away.  The police wanted me as a witness and it was likely I would be incriminated. 

 Horrible dream of killings, murders and suicides, all vaguely connected with me. It seemed to last for hours and recurred after waking at 3:00 a.m.  

 Thoughts of death and suicide. 

Distant, not involved

At the family celebration, I could not feel that I belonged. 

 Upset husband by telling him what I thought of the way he'd been behaving.  I felt curiously uninvolved.  Indifference to husband.  Felt a little 'dead', uninvolved, wasn't really responding in any way -- not in a good way or a bad way.  Didn't feel cross, affectionate or anything.  Very peculiar, like I was watching and its nothing to do with me.  Like looking at somebody else, almost as if I wasn't there.  Felt emotionally numb and unable to respond -- as if I wasn't there.  Like a living dead being alive and not being able to make the appropriate responses. Real total detachment. 

 I was in a car behind a white van. I wanted to overtake.  I realized I was in second gear and slid up to third and drove by. I felt that members of my family in the car were holding me back. 

 A dream about the study group.  In a city, everyone going to a wedding except me -- I had to stay behind with my son. 

 Feel distant and separated from things and they feel unreal. 

 I've experienced a lot more egotism in the last few weeks. I feel frustrated by the limitations of the ego. 

 Felt distant and detached. 

Mistrustful and paranoid

I was defensive and angry.  I thought my friend didn't understand me.  I had to apologize.  I felt vulnerable and deeply hurt by her. 

 Paranoid feeling with cold perspiration. 

 Feel I can't trust anyone -- 'paranoia'. 

 I felt mistrust, suspicion and paranoia. 

 I feel people are playing games with me.  Everything is out of balance. 

 While sitting in a restaurant, felt progressively more cut off from friends at the table.  I began to feel detached and paranoid.  I felt disliked by people. They seemed to look at me menacingly.  I became concerned that my lecture this afternoon had created conflict, mayhem and destruction, that my friends in the audience did not like me any more.  I became aware of a dull ache in my sacrum making me want to shift backwards and forwards.  At the same time, the people round the table seemed further away and smaller, as if I had moved four feet back from the table.  I felt very uncomfortable and wanted to get out.  I put my head down and rushed out without saying goodbye, feeling a sense of relief at getting away (all very unusual for me).  Outside, I felt relief and my mind cleared and I walked home alone. 

 I think that no one likes me.  I felt betrayed and everything went haywire*.

*out of control

 I think I'm dangerous to people and they can't cope with me. 

 A spark of a paranoid thought -- "maybe I'm being poisoned. 

 When shopping, felt people did not accept me as belonging to the community. Felt isolated in the shop.  Feeling unacceptable, 'as if I was a marked person' -- but later felt better on my own. 

 Very worried that people don't like me and can't cope with me -- that they will think I am insane.  I think maybe I am insane.  This is frightening me. 

 Thought someone was telling someone else that I was mad and asking what should be done about it. 

 Feeling suspicious all day.  Anxious and conscious of vulnerability.  (Asked husband to move out if he was thinking of being unfaithful). 

 Felt cut off from people and suspicious. 

Parents

Dream that father died -- very upsetting. 

 Dream of swinging on a pendulum with my mother on my back.  I instructed her on what to do if we had to jump.  She managed to climb down from the scaffolding, but I could not. 

 Dream of mother flying a microlight* round the world. 

* ultraleve

 Busy dreams of practically everyone I know doing weird things. 

 Hurrying, busy dream of postmasters and postmistresses. 

Dream of spies, resistance movements, excitement, suspense and avoiding being caught.

 Active, busy dream of a rally and speeches and confronting Margaret Thatcher. 

Work

 Feeling of great release -- catharsis -- my whole time scale has changed since taking the remedy.  Even my work on Homoeopathy has opened up -- boundaries have disappeared. 

 Lost a lot of boundaries on time.  All sorts of things have clicked into place since yesterday.  Feel wonderful.  Now I don't actually feel slowed down.  Didn't hurry, just did things in my own time.  Normally would have pulled out all the stops and rushed around.  It doesn't matter if I'm late. 

 Felt inspired that the potential within is so great and we have a possibility of becoming whole and suddenly it comes crashing down into a sort of mundane realization -- that the physical world would never reach the potential possible -- like losing a dream.  This is really bringing me down. 

 Have given up my normal planning and making lists.  I used to organise all the time (curative). 

 Decided to clean the kitchen floor and to move my things into the new study for the first time -- both unusual. 

 More efficient than usual.  Ready to fill in odd spaces of time with odd jobs (curative). 

 Dreams more active and busy. 

 Tired in the morning -- aversion to studying. 

 I couldn't concentrate at work. 

Lack of concentration.  I feel I want to be on my own.  Feel I can't be bothered to talk or move much with headache.  No enthusiasm for anything. 

 Feel very laid back, too relaxed, no incentive to work, easily distracted. Don't feel as sharp as usual. 

Felt as if I was being very slow while working. 

 I worked steadily through the day, but felt as if I was being very slow. 

Childhood

 Sudden thoughts of making love while cuddling child and listening to old song -- very vivid. 

 Feels is generally dreaming more about her children than ever before. 

 Dream of daughter being held by terrorists -- trying to find help to rescue her, but couldn't. 

 Dream of mischievous grandson leaping onto the tracks of the underground while she was rooted to the spot -- rescued at last moment. 

 Dream involving the children and also a sexual element, but not sure if they were connected.  There was a pole, like a maypole without ribbons, and a feeling that I had to put a stop to something. 

 Dream of grandson being rescued from a well, but slipping through the rescuer's hands and strangling on a rope.

 Dream of driving up a hill with son.  The hill got steeper and steeper.  Trying to reach the street that ran across the top -- very high and steep like a mountain, but covered in houses.  Too steep for the car, so got out and walked. The road became almost vertical.  I had to be handed up by a passer-by.  Looked out on the most fantastic view, like from an aeroplane.  Took a cable car down. The body of a woman fell out of a cable car going up at the same time.  I watched it fall on the tracks -- thought she was dead, then she got up and walked. 

 Dream of a girl at school who committed suicide, and of participating in a play about death. 

 Dream that the children and their friends came into a room I was in.  They were smoking.  I was aghast and was telling them they shouldn't.  I was with my friend (who had gone grey-haired in the dream) and she told me I was being old-fashioned.  I was about to get rather cross with her viewpoint, but my husband told her to 'buzz off'.  Then we switched rooms.  The house was like one I used to live in as a child.  I was bathing my daughter.  She was hot and feverish and seemed to be getting 'twitchy'.  I rushed over to her -- vivid. 

 Inability to control a class of children. 

 Dream of trying to organise an outdoor event.  There were youths interfering -- they were defecating enormous, phenomenal amounts on the grass where we were trying to set up a marquee.  I just felt resignation - - what a lot of mess to clear up, like when your baby makes a mess. 

Male Sexuality

Sexual desire for men (in a man). 

 Developed an aversion to the idea of sex -- confused about sexual issues and identity.  Became aware of being bi-sexual or homosexual ( in a man).  "I want to find out who I am.  I should know at 23.  I used to know.  What am I sexually?" Very confused.  This led to suicidal depression. 

 Feelings of vulnerability and anxiety about being masculine, both in looks and in behaviour/roles.  Hope it doesn't get more.  To counteract this, I have been stressing the feminine.  I spent lots of money on silk clothing and spent a lot of time making myself up, curling hair, etc.  People comment that I look softer, but I feel harder inside.  I feel confused about my sexual identity.  This is in contrast to my previous proving of the remedy, when people commented that my moustache disappeared and breasts grew. 

 I've been looking at other men in a sexual light. 

Female Sexuality

Fear and desperation about being pregnant -- period 16 days late – felt terrible all day.  So despairing. 

 I can honestly say I'll never be the same again -- a bit like having a baby. 

 Almost the impression that I am pregnant -- many old sensations and emotions from previous pregnancies recurred.  Like having another person inside of me. All physical symptoms of pregnancy.  Went for a test. 

 No desire to hurry or fuss -- like being pregnant.  Felt quite mellow and happy, with little inclination to insist on my own opinion. 

 Dreamed I was pregnant.  Mixed feelings -- felt ashamed to tell my family. 

 Weird dream of three acrobats (or monkeys) swinging from trapezes.  The one that was me was quite erotic, calling '16, 16' at every swing.  It curtailed with sexual excitement which woke me. 

 Dream of boyfriend exhibiting himself through a hole in his underpants. 

 Several erotic dreams about people I haven't really thought of sexually. 

Intellectual

 Confusion -- I feel a mess. 

 Her writing seemed messy to her. 

 Stopping in mid-sentence, losing drift of thought, difficult concentration on studying -- like blank spaces arising in thoughts, talking and writing so that I would just stop what I was doing. 

 Concentration lacking. 

 Difficult to focus on what I am writing.  I get stuck on something and have difficulty moving onto the next thing. 

 Feeling of having no mind -- no concentration.  Can't read for more than five minutes and nothing makes sense. 

 Concentration bad while reading at night. 

 Difficult to concentrate during exam, got into a muddle.  Found I was answering one question by looking up one thing, but writing it down as if it were something else.  Total confusion. 

 My head feels full of confused, disjointed and jumbled thoughts.  I have to make a strong effort to pull my thoughts together. 

 Muddled and forgetful.  Lost all confidence as I don't seem able to remember things.  I've discovered I've made a stupid mistake, an important mistake, which really upset me.  I wanted to cry.  I can't seem to focus my thoughts at all. Mistakes in writing. 

 Trouble making rapid decisions and am easily confused by choice. 

 Absent-minded and forgetful. 

 Very forgetful -- forgets about peripheral things. 

 Can't remember everyday words like "table" when talking It is almost as if thoughts going too fast for translation into words (when speaking or talking). 

 Left the dog in the car for six hours.  Forget things from moment to moment. Can't hold anything in my mind. 

 Forgets what he is going to do. 

 Tendency to lose things and blamed myself.  Became frantic searching for them. Tore open a friend's bag to find paper and wouldn't have cared if the bag had ripped. 

 Trouble finding the right word and explaining my mental state. 

 Confuses left and right. 

 Mistakes left and right. 

 Provers and supervisors notes on sides of symptoms conflict.  Possible confusion of right and left sides. 

 Confusion over left and right.  Couldn't remember which side of the road to drive on and actually drove over onto the wrong side. 

 Mistakes when writing numbers -- 4646 instead of 6464 -- and missing letters out of words and in spelling. 

 Instead of writing 'I don't feel need to ', she writes 'I don't need feel to' -- confuses order of words in writing. 

 I am making mistakes when writing: e.g.   "white" instead of "right". 

 Mistakes in writing; leaving letters out, confusing letters etc. 

 My mental processes are slower.  Difficulty adding up, counting, finding names for things, calling pets by their wrong names. 

 Very confused and muddled thinking.  Mistakes in writing.  Can't remember how to spell.  A friend said I seemed more forgetful and confused. 

 Mistakes in writing: leaving letters off the beginning of words; writing the beginning of one word and the end of the next.  It is as if the brain is going faster then my hand, and the hand tries to catch up by combining the words. 

 Much more one-pointed concentration on whatever I am doing.  Not thinking of more than one thing at a time.  Interior monologue much stilled -- connected to being slowed down. 

 Concentration better -- relaxed attitude to work I have to do (curative). 

 Concentration improved (curative). 

 Felt alert and mentally active in the evening and night. 

 Memory improved. 

Time

Its very fast when it happens -- You take the remedy and its quick, like time travelling. 

 I can't believe its only a week ago I took the remedy.  It seems like an aeon. 

 Time sense seems warped. 

 I looked at the clock.  I think it was about an hour clock time.  Time is different on this level, its moving very quickly. 

 Looking at my life from a distance and thinking probably only thirty or forty summers left to be around, and it looked like a short time and very unimportant. A lifetime is a very short space of time. 

 My whole time scale has changed since taking the remedy, I've lost a lot of boundaries on time. Don't hurry, just do things in my own time. 

 It seems as if all the days became one. 

 Confused about what happened when and where -- about what happened in the past. 

 I was having problems assimilating the notion of time, outside time seemed beyond description.  I couldn't differentiate between backwards and forwards in time.  Felt I had got stuck in time. 

 When I wrote the date I had to think "is this December or March?" Confusion and very absent-minded, better in the evening. 

 Confusion over days of the week. 

Generals

My senses seem very acute. 

 Senses acute -- especially of sounds.  Feel aware of my surroundings.