Understanding Germanium met.

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo M.D. F.F.Hom. (Lon.) et al.

Suffering from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), dyslexic, feeling himself as if he doesn’t belong here and with an extreme lack of confidence and support – this is our Germanium met. patient.

Sherr’s proving brought to life the inner Germ-m. patient, with all his sufferings and longings, and the first aspect of this remedy that must be considerate is his relation with the world and its inhabitants. Germanium fells himself an outcast – different, not belonging, homeless – feeling as if he didn’t belong among the human beings. He himself is an “alien freak” using the words from the proving. This perception of his relationship with the word – or can we say, with reality – will grow on and on as the years passing by, up to the point when Germ-m. feels himself an outcast, an outsider, persecuted and chased as an outlaw. He is being chased by the police, he was taking in and he is happy with that - They thought I would get a month and a half (in prison). "That's sufficient for me to sleep and rest," I thought. 

There are several different aspects of his exile, and the prover says: I don't belong. I don't feel at home any place. Strong desire for finding a place to stay, to make a home for me and my kids. 

An also: I have an intense feeling of estrangement and isolation, with a desire to start my life again.

If we combine all these feelings and sensations - altogether with the impression Germ-m. have about himself – we will be able to build his personality.

How is his impression of himself? Germ-m. don’t like himself, in so many different aspects of his own personality. One word can better synthesize what are his feelings towards himself – a strong sensation of inadequacy. It means unsuitable, inappropriate, improper, unmeet, inapt and awkward, all these adjectives are represented in the prover words:

As soon as I wake up in the early morning, my mind is active and a feeling of inadequacy comes on strongly. 

I don't like to be me. Want to be different. Have a distant feeling to myself yet long for physical contact, a boyfriend. Not able to do something about it. 

It is difficult to describe the symptoms. Want to correct myself all the time. I am thinking too much. I get mad at all my thoughts. 

Everything is my fault. I asked for 'drubbing' (beating) and I have got it. (…)

Don't see why I am here. I can't bear it. I go mad. I hate myself. I want to beat myself and I do it. Tear my hair. Stop when it hurts too much. It is like hell!!!  

He doesn’t believe in himself or in his decisions and will rely solely on others opinions. Any criticism is breaking his heart. He felt as if he could not express his own opinions, afraid that it will offend the others.

Concern that people may not like me.  

(…) Feel envious of a colleague who I feel manages so well. When I compare with myself I feel worthless and nothing. (…)

On top of that, he feels of being a complete failure. It’s not a fear of failure like so many other remedies. We can see through the proving that this is an “end of the line” feeling because next step is a feeling of unworthiness and longing for death. He is such an alien in this world, his value is more than nothing to himself and to the others, he feels so lonely,  longing for love and attention from the others – as the prover says, longing for cuddling – insecure, unable to take his own decisions that there’s nothing left but die. 

This is a combination of feelings and impressions of himself, altogether with hopelessness and despair.

A very strong feeling of failure accompanied this. I felt I did not deserve to live. Better crying next day when talking to husband. This feeling of depression carried on for several nights. 

Feeling a total failure, I would prefer to die. Very unmotivated.  

If I were me, nobody would like me, so I try to be what I think others expect me to be. I don't think I can be loved with all the parts of me which are ugly and bad. Lonely feelings. Longing for love and understanding. Feel I am so unfriendly to myself. 

Woke up early 3.30 a.m. . Had strong feeling, like a visualization. I picture myself lying on floor in fetal position and being shot in the head like a horse or a dog. Almost welcomed it. Then thought my children still need me. 

Germ-m. is very critical to himself and it’s just another aspect of his impression about to himself – that he is not able to do anything right. Being irritable toward her children and husband,  - followed by an intense sensation of guilt – is just one aspect of the same feeling of doing nothing right, of being incapable and inappropriate.

Desperately angry. So intense that I could barely control it. I made noises like an animal, pushed my arms up and down -- instead of hitting my children, which helped. Want to just leave the house and the kids. Felt completely mad, afraid of what the neighbors heard and thought. Very bad conscience afterwards, but no relief. Didn't get the anger out. There are a lot of feelings inside that don't come out.  

Difficult to accept my own feelings, accusing myself for letting them out, especially anger. Felt a rage, had to use all my power to control it. Lost my patience because of something my son did. I got angry with him, but at the same time despised myself for not having patience with him. I did not want to report this, because I feel unveiled --now everybody can see what awful person I am. I go completely mad from all my thoughts; can't bear it anymore. Inside me everything is chaos. Feel no power. 

Music is present in some symptoms, providing the possibility that Germ-m. is someone longing or feeling better from singing and music.

Dream of singing with brother. 

Dream-- Playing guitar and singing nicely. (Birthday party for son next day and we planned giving him a guitar.)  

Some curative symptoms will tell us how the Germ-m. patient must feel after treatment. This symptoms are present in his feelings of wellness and balance, described by his sensation of being “calm and  clear”:

I woke up feeling fine. Had a good and relaxed day. No stress. Feeling positive.  

Felt calm in a meeting (evening) where I most probably would have been nervous before.  

Increased clarity with respect to remembering names, for the rest of the proving.  

Increased clarity in expressing himself with words, communicating, and mental clarity in general. 

Groups in Germanium met.

From J. Sherr proving

Dr. Claudio C. Araujo, M.D. F.F. Hom. (Lon.)

Humor

Calm and clear

Feeling in a rather poetical mood. 

I feel I can almost capture the essence of the feeling I have been going through. It's an eructation! 

Feel calm and clear. Diffused a potential quarrel by being calm and clear, not drawn into old patterns. Not angry at being woken early to make love. 

Felt that my life was very much on an even keel emotionally. 

Felt very quiet and calm. Almost detached. More patient and less irritable. 

Calm, happy, giggly, first day of period. 

Felt calmer and slower. 

Very busy, lots of work, but remain calm. Previous argument with friend resolved lovingly with no analysis. Didn't need talking about, it just felt O.K. inside. 

More subdued with students. 

Slight feeling of euphoria. 

I woke up feeling fine. Had a good and relaxed day. No stress. Feeling positive.  

Felt calm in a meeting (evening) where I most probably would have been nervous before.  

Cheerful

Was boisterous towards students at college by giving one a vigorous massage and tickling another. 

My childishness is coming out, a lower level of inhibition. 

Feeling clearer mentally and getting things done that I had thought of doing. Courage to do new things . 

I cleared my pantry which I had wanted to do for a long time. 

Mental clarity and lightness of head, 1-2 p.m.  (As if on a fast.) 

Increased clarity with respect to remembering names, for the rest of the proving.  

Increase patience with students, more lenient. Increased clarity in expressing himself with words, communicating, and mental clarity in general. 

Laughing

I was supposed to talk seriously, but started to laugh instead. I couldn't stop it, the laughter bubbled inside and had to come out. Laughing when supposed to talk seriously, nervous laughter, quite near weeping. Felt I held back something, tried to avoid an ugly noise; something which touched me deeply inside, something unveiling. 

Anxious

Slightly anxious because I feel things are happening and I'm not sure how to describe them.

Anxious from phone ringing in the night. Usually would be puzzled. 

Daughter had come home late which made me anxious. 

Feeling of anxiety and nervousness in stomach which lasted all morning. 

Irritable

Very irritable. 

Irritable first two days of period. This usually occurs before period. 

All the way through the proving irritable and averse to answering questions. 

Speediness, clenching teeth, irritable with the kids. 

Feeling of pressure, impatient, fed up.  

Anger

Explosive anger, quickly forgotten. 

Exploded with sudden anger which passed as quickly as it had come. 

Reacted very strongly to a very close friend. Something quite small sparked it off and I hung up the phone. Just felt I'd had enough. It's an issue/feeling that's been built up for months, but tonight I flipped inside. Only our third argument in 18 years. I still feel indignant and angry one hour later, even after going and working in the garden. Won't answer her calls. 

Reacted angrily to husband's demands.

Suppressed feelings, anger with guilt.

Other people do pleasant things. All my energy I use to keep an intense rage distant so that I won't hurt myself or the kids. 

Hate

I'm desperate. I want to die. Feel the power to kill. Feel like a wild animal locked in. It's strong, so intense. I hate so strong, feel a terrible disgust and I'm afraid of what I'm able to do. It's completely impossible to be in it and impossible to get out of it. 

Boredom

Bored with the proving. Can't be bothered to write anything down. 

Bored in the morning but creative in the afternoon, doing things which had been put off for a year. Couldn't be bothered to write down relating the proving. 

Sadness and depression

Sadness from the pains. Not irritable, just gently sad. 

There is an aching accumulation of feelings in the larynx and floods of tears.  

Depressed and over burdened, weighed down, worse cold, foggy weather. 

Hopeless, helpless, gloom and doom. Weeping and self pity. 

Sad, indifferent and hopeless feeling. Want to cry but it won't come. 

Difficult to feel joy, pleasure. It is more safe to be sad, unhappy, to suffer. Because joy doesn't last. 

Depressed, wonder how I would manage economically.  

Offended

Indignation. Think all falls on me. 

Weeping. Feeling very offended towards father who had objected because I had bought something expensive for myself. Felt anger because of my reaction, but also curiosity to find out why I reacted. Feel anxiety about all my responsibilities. Everything feels like too much.  

 I am easily offended by being told that I look strange. 

With Oneself

Light and space less

Sensation of being very slightly aware of having a brain. A kind of fuzzy sensation around the periphery of where I imagined my brain to be in my head, i.e. just below the surface. 

Felt not enough space in bed. It's a big bed. I felt spacey, out of focus, odd, slightly, not there. Maybe in a dream. 

While standing felt my spirit step backwards. The kitchen seems smaller and lower down. 

Feeling of being pushed backwards, floating backwards in space, as if weightless. 

While walking felt round-shoulder like a bodybuilder, worse after rising. 

Panic

Panic and worry associated with vomiting. 

Wake feeling anxious, increasingly. Legs tremble and shake. I have to get out of bed. I am scared that a heart attack is imminent and cannot be prevented. It's too late to do anything. I walk from room to room, thirsty, chilly and in turmoil. Accompanied by a desire for stool and flatulence. 

Felt closed in. My every movement and thought controlled . Didn't know where to go for help. Felt like a coward. Felt afraid of violence. I don't know who I am. 

Everything was heavy and felt impossible without meaning. Terrible anger. Bad conscience and crying afterwards. Could not do what I had planned to do, because I felt so terrible and everything was chaos. Was crying, but couldn't get it out -- no release in it. 

Hopeless

Feel like a prisoner. 

I am probably incurable and that's my own fault. The thoughts are repeating themselves again and again in my head. 

Hopeless. There no hope for me. My fate is not to get well. 

Woke up early 3.30 a.m. Had strong feeling, like a visualization. I picture myself lying on floor in fetal position and being shot in the head like a horse or a dog. Almost welcomed it. Then thought my children still need me. 

Feeling himself a failure

A very strong feeling of failure accompanied this. I felt I did not deserve to live. Better crying next day when talking to husband. This feeling of depression carried on for several nights. 

Feeling a total failure, I would prefer to die. Very unmotivated.  

As soon as I wake up in the early morning, my mind is active and a feeling of inadequacy comes on strongly. 

Very much in doubt whether I should take any more tablets. Whatever I do, I feel that somebody will criticize me, that I do something wrong. Difficult to make a decision. Afraid that other people will laugh at me or say, "Haven't you understood anything?" Crying. Don't want to get up. Don't want to bother the supervisor so early in the morning. I am a failure. 

Just want to cry. Feeling embarrassed. I do not believe in my own feelings and decisions. So afraid of what others think of me. 

If I were me, nobody would like me, so I try to be what I think others expect me to be. I don't think I can be loved with all the parts of me which are ugly and bad. Lonely feelings. Longing for love and understanding. Feel I am so unfriendly to myself. 

Blaming oneself/inadequacy

Feeling of lethargy and inadequacy at onset of menses. 

Blaming myself for having taken too many doses. Was afraid that I would not get the symptoms out strongly enough. Maybe I had spoiled the whole proving. Still accusing myself. I felt it does not matter how much I suffer - it's what others think of me that is important. I think that I ought to suffer a good deal. 

Everything is my fault. I asked for 'drubbing' (beating) and I have got it. The kids are afraid of me, and I feel insecure about what I'm able to do. I called my sister -- the only person I could talk to -- but she was not at home. With an enormous effort, with heart palpitations, pain in the stomach, trembling and aggravation of headache, I rang another prover. But I didn't get through. It was occupied. 

I have a guilty feeling if I get too much attention. I am afraid of bothering others. 

Felt uncomfortable if any one stood close to me. Felt uneasy and paranoid in class. Feel as if done something wrong.  

“I don’t like to be me”

I don't like to be me. Want to be different. Have a distant feeling to myself yet long for physical contact, a boyfriend. Not able to do something about it. 

It is difficult to describe the symptoms. Want to correct myself all the time. I am thinking too much. I get mad at all my thoughts. 

Don't understand anything, the meaning of life. Feel also strength somewhere inside. I wish a change could happen. I ought to bring myself together and change. It is silly of me to go on like this. I despise myself. I am hard on myself, but I don't deserve anything else. I think other people are silly, too. 

Don't see why I am here. I can't bear it. I go mad. I hate myself. I want to beat myself and I do it. Tear my hair. Stop when it hurts too much. It is like hell!!!  

Came in contact with very much hate and disgust within, and it made a deep impression on me. I have to be reconciled with those parts of me. I think that power can be used in a different way -- not so destructive. I am no person. Feel I have no power when I meet people. Sometimes I feel I disappear. I am not in my body. My hands feel gone. My feet are cold; I don't like them. Yet I feel I have great power inside, especially I feel it when I get angry or when I sing. 

Some persistent feelings coming up. Feel envious of a colleague who I feel manages so well. When I compare with myself I feel worthless and nothing. I feel like talking badly about her to my friends and I do this, even though she is not present. It takes a lot of my attention and energy. 

Concern that people may not like me.  

Nobody to talk to

Sometimes I say too much about myself to others. Cannot protect myself. Too much is coming out. 

Easily led by others' opinions, and provoked. Sensitive to others attempts at restricting me. Feel like a teenager, but I don't dare to protest. I just feel it inside. 

Feel I am in an impossible situation. Nobody to talk to who understands me. I can't say things as they are because I have to take others feelings into consideration. I need comfort and encouragement, but no one can give me. Weeping. 

Slightest criticism and I am broken hearted. Almost started to cry among all the people, very doubtful about relationships. It kills my confidence. Deep sigh. 

Drained

Restless on rising. Feeling drained, not capable of reacting emotionally. 

Feeling very tired of everything. 

Cannot feel pleasure or sorrow. Everything is Chaos. Cannot restore my energy. Totally meaningless. Feels like an empty battery. Cannot take care of the kids as I should. 

Longing for love

Feel lonely. I nearly always feel special -- always on the side/outside of others. Either better or smaller than others. 

Thought nobody understood me and cared for what I felt. Felt it was unfair.  

Felt lack of romance in my life. Desired romantic love, to be loved. 

Constant need for cuddles without sexual desire. 

Desire to have my haircut right now. I do. 

Unaccustomed pleasure and satisfaction in urinating. 

Sensation "feels bowel movements are finely tuned." 

Strength

Sometimes I don't want to show my strength. I keep it back. I am afraid that others will feel inferior and I don't want them to, because I feel it so much myself. 

Towards the Others

Heard voice of mother-in-law say hello twice. (They live a distance apart.) 

At night on closing the eyes I have a vision of a pair of eyes looking at me, then suddenly I saw the face very clearly. The face had an asking expression. 

Irritability. Worry about husband and our relationship. Feel am being taken advantage of. 

Family and sons

Heavy sighing in the morning. Critical and irritable with son. Feel I can't handle him.  

Desperately angry. So intense that I could barely control it. I made noises like an animal, pushed my arms up and down -- instead of hitting my children, which helped. Want to just leave the house and the kids. Felt completely mad, afraid of what the neighbors heard and thought. Very bad conscience afterwards, but no relief. Didn't get the anger out. There are a lot of feelings inside that don't come out.  

 Difficult to accept my own feelings, accusing myself for letting them out, especially anger. Felt a rage, had to use all my power to control it. Lost my patience because of something my son did. I got angry with him, but at the same time despised myself for not having patience with him. I did not want to report this, because I feel unveiled --now everybody can see what awful person I am. I go completely mad from all my thoughts; can't bear it anymore. Inside me everything is chaos. Feel no power. 

Carried out a threat to fold son's homework which creased it, but I didn't feel guilty.

 Feeling of revulsion for many people especially young parents with children, while wandering through town. Feel people are stuck in their lives. What a waste. 

Forgot to collect son. Can't get organized. Confused. 

 Feeling detached when involved in a row with husband. No guilt that I'm not pleasing him . 

Dream of ability to talk to and see sister who lives far away. Felt amazed. 

Dream that parents split up. Very upset about it. 

Music

Dream of singing with brother. 

Dream-- Playing guitar and singing nicely. (Birthday party for son next day and we planned giving him a guitar.)  

Outsider/outcast

Afraid of the police - of being caught and unveiled. 

Painfully aware of the feelings of being an outcast*.

Entertain myself with mischievous reflections and realize that these are more thoughts of an outsider.

A friend commented that she felt I was within and did not acknowledge her. Totally different from usual. 

Observe the world as being shabby* I feel separated from people and places. I feel an intense yearning for the feminine.  

Feeling lonely like an alien freak

Feel angry hostile and tearful easily. Someone says that I have behaved as if I am from another planet. 

I only want to cry. Don't know what to do. Feel terrible and lonely. Cannot describe how I feel. Want attention, but don't dare to ask for it. Soon there is no more energy left. 

Very thoughtful. I feel I have no real contact with people, I have no emotion at all except for a feeling of isolation and a concern that people may not like me. I wish someone would cuddle me. By 10 o'clock I have a definite aversion to people, especially certain people-- the stubborn or authoritarian kind. I become deeply involved in my own thoughts and can be very irritable and even angry when the thoughts are interrupted by people, but I don't show any signs of anger or irritation. The fate of other people leaves me cold, but I know this is not right. My mind is blank and I feel I could just sit and stare. I have no feelings, no emotions! I think a lot about my state of mind and try to understand it; it puzzles me. What is missing? Eating removes this thoughtful mood. By afternoon and evening I become gradually more involved with what I am doing but still feel isolated even when in the company of other people. I don't mind listening to people, but I contribute little to conversation.  

This state lasted for three days. 

I have an intense feeling of estrangement and isolation, with a desire to start my life again.  

 I don't belong. I don't feel at home any place. Strong desire for finding a place to stay, to make a home for me and my kids. 

People/Strangers

When outside and looking at people, thought to myself I know them. People were friendlier to me. Thought I could start a conversation with strangers. 

I see a stranger who looks so familiar.  

People seem friendlier in the streets in London. Felt like I'd made some sort of contact. People smile at me and were chatty. 

Threat

Dream of being in a foreign town being followed by old Chinese man trying get me. Hiding because I felt threatened. 

Dream of ex-boyfriend being violent. He was trying to destroy furniture. Our children and friends were there. We got him out of the house. I felt content, as if something had been resolved. 

Unpleasant dream. Husband locked out, and rang bell. Refused to tell me his name, so I called police. Electricity not working. Police came. 

Housebreaking

Dream about robbers. Two dark men had come into my bedroom. They sat in my bed and picked out things they wanted to steal. A friend and I came into the room and chased them out of the flat. Some minutes later I heard noises again. A boy with light-colored hair sat at the steps outside the flat and tried to open the door-lock. I chased him out. I was afraid. But I could not lock the door downstairs. The lock was broken. 

Dream about housebreaking. I was in the kitchen in my flat. I heard a click and went out to the hall. A man, tall and dark, with a black coat, black scarf, dark hair (he was maybe a black man) was in my bedroom. He had just walked straight in, shamelessly. He took a nip of my teacup which stood on the table. He had not yet picked up anything to steal. I went straight to him and told him to get out of here. I pushed him out of the door. He went downstairs and into the flat in the first floor. I went in after him and shouted, "There is a thief here." 

Dream about housebreaking. I was in a house. Two dark men (foreigners) had broke into the house and lay in a bed under the covers in the sleeping room. I was afraid, wanted to chase them out. Took off the covers. 

Nightmare -- man came into the house. I was on my own. He looked menacing. I went downstairs to ring police, but phone was cut off. 

Unpleasant dream of someone being chased. 

Arguing

I was presented with complaints about something others had done. Felt I was standing between two fighting parts. Felt awkward about it, embarrassed. Difficult to argue about such strong outburst. 

Thoughts about the day's arguing milling in my head all evening and night.  

Aversion to company

Avoid company. 

Aversion to people. Abrupt when obliged to speak. Had a consultation at 10 o'clock and really messed it up. I wish everybody would just go away and leave me alone. No contact. 

Want to sit alone in front of fire listening to music by myself. Fed up with people irritating me everywhere I go. Want to be looked after. 

With the Environment

AS IF a marble lands somewhere, chest, stomach, brain and sucks to it all the matter around it in a radius of 3-4 cm. and packs it tighter and tighter. It gets hard and brittle, then suddenly it grows with a zoomy feeling, steadily becoming less dense, and suddenly it bursts and spreads a cloud of relief. I think the remedy is Champagne. 

Twice while driving I had an illusion -- part of a stationery car on the right moved through my field of vision. 

Objects appear different. A short length of cotton on the floor at my feet appeared to me to be a hat pin.  

Fire

Small fire in the shape of a teepee.  

Dog on fire. Small blue flame around stomach. Two fireman dragged two dead bodies out of basement. Bodies covered in black skin. They were hoisted out. Prover felt indifferent but curious. 

Nature

Suddenly aware of my feet standing on the ground and feeling very connected to the ground through my feet. Rooted to the spot. Wanted to stay that way. Good feelings. Feet feeling at one with the ground. 

Feel more aware and connected looking at the sun, trees and sky colors.  

Contemplative, like nice things, sees beauty in stones and nature. Good at instinctive understanding, compassionate. 

Desire to use brown and green colors in painting. 

The last days I have had moments when I have felt I have been united to the world and people -- to humanity. Have felt more love and reconciliation towards myself and other people. Started to be more conscious about the environment and what I can do to our mutual benefit. Something is happening within me. I wish to get more contact with my feelings.  

 Being Abroad

Dream-- I was leaving from somewhere. Had been sharing room with some other girls. I packed my suitcase, made sure that I didn't forget any of my things. 

Dreamt late for flight, missed bus. Left clothes behind. Not meeting up with my travel companion but in the end I made my flight. Woke feeling exhausted from the struggles, but satisfied that I'd made the flight.  

Dream I sat around a table with some people. I looked in my wallet and there was a lot of money in it, but Swedish money. The people around were astonished. But there was only 100 Kr. in Norwegian money. (This was a Norwegian prover.) 

I don't belong. I don't feel at home any place. Strong desire for finding a place to stay, to make a home for me and my kids. 

Dreams of being in an elevator with another woman. Elevator has the bottom open. Have to stand against side and hold on. 

War

Dreams of the Third Reich.  

Dream of London under attack by planes. Prover felt detached. 

Dream - Sounds like gun shots. 

Vivid war dream with detailed close-up of guns. See portrayal of victims of violence.

Soldier whipping top of my head with a long black whip. Light green uniform. I was crying. I had done something wrong. 

Broken glass 

Dreamed he broke a large mirror by accident, then tried to rebuild it bit by bit. 

Dreamed of broken windows; of people who fell and broke their bones; of car collision, the cars scraping against each other and tearing the metal. 

Chased by the police

I was driving a car. Was stopped by the police. 

 "Oh, no," I thought. Don't remember the rest. 

 Dreamt the police were out looking for me. I had stolen some money, They caught me and I did not resist. They put manacles on my left thumb, but thumb was hurt and I had a bandage on it. So I asked to have it on the right instead. I admitted everything and wanted to go to jail. They thought I would get a month and a half (in prison). "That's sufficient for me to sleep and rest," I thought. 

Water

Dream of tidal wave*.

*maremoto

I was supposed to take a shower. I was looking for the bathroom. I was in a big house. I found a room with many showers in it, but it was a big sitting room with furniture. 

I was at meeting. People I knew were there. It was in the kitchen in my home, but I didn't live there. My ex-partner lived there. We made waffles, and water was pouring down from the table. 

Dreams of turtles stuck to my pullover. 

Dream - at work and attacked by father of a patient, then going outside into the grounds for a walk and creating a rumpus. Monkeys appeared so I went back into the house by a back way and after a huge detour, and a lot of climbing (scared, fear of heights.) I ended up in a remote waiting room surrounded by water.  

Work

Nervous and restless. Feel it in solar plexus when I think about my work.  

Engaged in my work and my music with fierce intensity. 

Increased firmness at work. 

Bored in the morning but creative in the afternoon, doing things which had been put off for a year. Couldn't be bothered to write down relating the proving. 

Aversion to mental work. Yawning, tiredness; desire sleep, but too busy fiddling with little things. 

Aversion to mental work. 

General lack of interest, aversion to analyzing last case taken. 

Male Sexuality

Very strong longing for excitement and some love adventure. I planned to go out, but thought I probably would be disappointed, so I stayed at home and was depressed instead. Feel like drinking to get away from myself and everything. 

Desire for sex with strong erection which remained long after emission, allowing further intercourse. In spite of this, enjoyment was diminished and the act performed without any inspiration in an almost routine way. 

Amorous dream. 

Erotic dreams. 

Desire absent. No sexual interest. 

Desire absent. No sexual desire, not even when seeing my wife naked. 

Female Sexuality

Intensely irritated at being woken by husband to make love. Total absence of usual guilt.  

Rape

Dream of a man who tried to have sex with me. He didn't succeed, but he had made a hollow in the area between the vagina and anus (perineum). 

Dream - about to be raped. In bed with friend's daughter on left. One man standing on bed with shirt on. One man lying by her with very large erection. She grasped the penis and wriggled it as she thought it would hurt. Woke screaming for husband. 

Again in danger of being raped. Very confused. Lots of naked men about. 

Intellectual

Woke up and could not relax. Thought about how to solve problems, found a plan at last. 

Mistakes on writing, reading, talking

I said, "Well that's not soon, is it," instead of saying," Well that's not long, is it." 

I had a note played on the piano for me to sing, and I sang the right note but an octave higher or lower. Realizing my mistake but still finding it very difficult to sing in the right octave. 

Normal mistakes in writing (all types) have become much more frequent. 

Wrote red instead of right. 

Said one word and understood another, husband said physician twice and twice I understood physicist. 

Talked about a patient who had a need for light and I thought photophobia. 

Wrote dylexist instead of dyslexic. 

Said amelioration occupates instead of occupation ameliorates. 

Quicked instead of quite. 

Said nerve underneath sciatica instead of underneath thigh. 

Said bladder, when meaning bowels. 

Thought 7 p.m.  was 8 p.m. . 

Mistakes in speaking -- mispronunciation. 

Confused over dates. Wrote wrong month. 

Can't remember what to say and do. Said words back to front, "healing of feet," instead of, "feeling of heat." 

Couldn't write properly, the letters wouldn't form, different size and untidy. 

Last few days very difficult to settle to mental tasks. Wrote wrong month for rest of proving. 

Mistakes in writing. Leaving out last few letters in words or putting different letters at ends, e.g. , BARNES, wrote BARNED. 

Wrote page 4 instead of 13. 

Wrote '99' thought '39'. Lots of mistakes in hearing. 'Fresh food' instead of 'fish food.'  

Had to count the number of playing cards in my hand twice to see if there were five. 

It's hard to explain but I feel as if I'm suffering from a general dyslexia on all sorts of levels, like my normal automatic pilot isn't functioning very well. Little things like opening a jar, I have to hesitate. I can still do them but I have to hesitate. I still do them but not automatically. 

Reverse letters ' chani' = 'chain', 'Natrue = 'nature.' 

Wrote 'feeling' instead of 'filling.' 

Mistakes in spelling. It worries me. Also say wrong word quite often. So tired, thinking of what I have not done. Calmness in evening. 

I repeat adverbs very close together. "Lovely music by this lovely musician. I think it's lovely." 

Lots of editing, I notice it when I'm reading it back. 

Tried to look up relationships of remedies to Lycopodium. Looked up Lachesis and Phosphorus instead. Realized I was looking up the wrong remedies. 

Can't decide what to buy. Don't know where to put things. Head in the clouds.  

Unsettled, searching for things unsuccessfully, lacking confidence and direction. 

Unfocused

Difficulty trying to focus my mind on what I'm doing. 

e.g.  Trying to gather my thoughts whilst preparing for my evening class. Trying to think of everything to put in my brief case. 

I'd see a bollard coming towards me and I'd have to focus my mind hard to remember what I have to do to avoid it. When teaching my class, it was difficult to focus on the logical steps while explaining. 

Unfocused feeling on waking, but by lunchtime it disappeared. 

Still felt unfocused today, getting more pronounced as the day progressed, progressively worse 1 p.m.  onwards. Continued for several days. Better after sleeping in the afternoon. 

Memory

Memory absent. Tried to spell Wimbledon, got to Wim and memory cut out. 

Recurrent rows triggered by my detachment. Felt despair and utter confusion about what was related to the proving and what was reality. 

Confusion, poor memory. 

Forget where I put things. Forget to take things with me. Don't remember whether I have locked the car or not.  

Forgot my scarf and handbag at home. I never forget my scarf. 

Driving

Difficulty focusing my attention while driving, with a sensation of gentle floating. 

Brief loss of consciousness while driving. My car in the middle of the road. Car horn returns me to consciousness. 

Loss of concentration. Lost my thoughts while driving, nearly causing two accidents.  

Can't do simple things. Driving erratically and don't care, though didn't feel safe, worse evenings. Felt threatened that a driver I cut up would follow me. Don't care.  

Accident prone at work because of not thinking about what I am doing. Close miss accident driving a forklift. 

Did not know which way to go on a well-known route.